


An Intimate Alliance of Contradictions

by severity_softly



Category: Criminal Minds, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Little Miss Sunshine
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Biting, Bondage, Butt Plugs, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Dirty Talk, Double Penetration, Dubious Consent, F/M, Facials, Fantasy Sex, Finger Sucking, Fisting, Group Sex, Ice Play, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Object Insertion, Rimming, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Sex Toys Under Clothing, Sexual Roleplay, Smut, Spanking, Teacher/Student Roleplay, Wall Sex, Watersports, collaring, wanking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 08:15:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 61,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5701384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severity_softly/pseuds/severity_softly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was all written for pervy_werewolf's 2008 Lusty Month of May. Each chapter is a bit of smut, featuring Remus/Peter, Remus/Severus, and Remus/whoever the hell else I wanted to have him shag. There is 29 chapters, and I never completed the plot of this story, but maybe I will one day. And for now, you can just read it for the porn and kinks. :)  </p><p>Takes place between The Marauders' 7th year through Prisoner of Azkaban.  The Criminal Minds and Little Miss Sunshine crossovers are fairly brief. This is mostly a Harry Potter fic.</p><p>Title from the quote "It would take too long to explain the intimate alliance of contradictions in human nature which makes love itself wear at times the desperate shape of betrayal. And perhaps there is no possible explanation," by Joseph Conrad</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Peter wasn't sure when it had changed, but it had. And it was much, much worse now.

It was bad enough that he'd found himself watching Sirius in fifth year, studying the lean muscle of his arms as they played Quidditch, or they way he perched on his broom, the thin length of wood pressed against the curve of his arse. It was bad enough to return James' smiles too warmly, and stumble over his words on the rare occasion James deemed him worthy of a compliment, which was lately usually along the lines of "well, at least you didn't muck it up too badly, Wormy." Now it was Remus, though, and that was even worse. Peter wasn't sure when that had changed, except that James and Sirius had started putting him off a bit more now that they were older, now that James had Lily and Sirius was having one off with a different girl every night, it seemed.

It was never supposed to be another boy that caught his eyes, Peter knew, but if it had to be that way, he could at least fancy another Pure-blood, like him. He could at least fancy someone more popular, maybe someone who was a better Quidditch player, and not someone who spent most of his free time in the library. James and Sirius thought Moony was too much of a bookworm, too, didn't they? Even _they_ didn't think Moony was very cool. Though Peter knew, if he was honest, they thought even less of him. Moony would be a step up from him, as far as being shag-worthy. Moony was a good guy, too, as much as a half-blood werewolf could be, but he certainly wasn't the sort of bloke you were supposed to fancy, if you were unfortunate enough to be a bloke who fancied blokes

"You all right?" a soft voice cut through his thoughts, and Peter realised he'd been staring at the way Remus' hair had fallen into his eyes as he bent over the book he was reading. 

_Hogwarts, A History._ Who actually read that shite? ...Remus did. But Remus was a little strange, too, wasn't he? Not in any sort of bad way, really (unless you counted his furry little problem, though Peter had always sort of thought that was the only truly cool thing about Remus). He was just different.

"Um, yeah, just tired," Peter said, blinking and looking at the pattern on his bed clothes. His mum would kill him. She'd kill him once for fancying blokes, then resurrect him and kill him again for fancying _half-blood_ blokes. When Peter looked back up, Remus was smiling at him, a funny little smile that made Peter's heart skip sideways and then drop into his stomach. Had he noticed?

"It's late," Remus murmured. He glanced over at James and Sirius' empty beds. "I don't think there's much point in staying up for them, do you?"

Peter huffed. "They'll probably just skive off potions tomorrow morning." He wished he had a reason to be out late and skive off class tomorrow. It'd be better if he were out snogging some girl he didn't like than sitting here trying not to look at the way the small of Remus' back curved when he laid on his stomach like that.

Remus rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling at Peter. "They're going to fail all their N.E.W.T.s. They're not cheating off me, either."

"D'you think they allow cheating?" Peter asked, then flushed because he realised that was a stupid question. Remus laughed, but Peter didn't mind. Moony's laughter never had that cruel edge to it like the other Marauders. "I mean, you don't think they'll have anti-cheating spells on our quills or anything?"

"I'm sure they will," Remus conceded. He closed his book and pillowed his head in his arms.

The room went quiet for a while, and Peter sprawled back against his headboard, watching as Remus' eyes fluttered closed. There was something strange magically about Moony, sometimes, this weird air of calm, almost, of sanctuary. Peter sometimes wondered if there was a special sort of magic to him, a magic different from everyone else because he was a werewolf, but it didn't make a whole lot of sense for a werewolf to seem calming.

He shifted down in his bed and watched Remus breath, partly wanting to go put his hand on Remus' chest just to feel the gentle rise and fall of his breath, and partly chiding himself for looking while Remus had his eyes closed. It felt wrong and weird, but he couldn't look away. That was a problem that was happening a lot lately. He sighed, and drew his curtains along one side of his bed, then looked at Remus again. "Moony?" he whispered.

Remus sucked in a breath, but didn't open his eyes. "M'yeah?"

"D'you ever get jealous?" Peter swallowed, his mouth going dry. He wanted to ask if Remus had ever done the sorts of things he thought James and Sirius were probably up to right now. He told himself it wasn't because he wanted to think about Moony like that.

"Of what?" Remus replied, his voice heavy with almost-sleep.

"Of them. Of James and Sirius."

This time Remus opened his eyes and looked over at Peter, blinking at him, though he was wearing that funny smile that made Peter's insides do funny things again. "I'd rather be here with you," he said.

Peter felt his heart stop and then try to force its way out of his chest through his mouth. He swallowed to keep it from escaping. "Why?" 

Remus' eyes had closed again, and he only hummed a reply, a noise that sounded content enough that Peter couldn't help but smile a little. He drew Remus' bed curtains closed with his wand and then did the same with his own. He settled under the covers and tried to sleep, though after a moment it became clear that his mind was refusing to shut off. _I'd rather be here with you_ , Moony's soft voice kept telling him. _He'd rather be here with me than off snogging girls_ , Peter's own mind filled in, thought he told himself he would _not_ wank to the idea of snogging Remus. 

The longer he laid there, though, with Remus' voice playing in his head and the memory of that sleepy smile, it was becoming clear his body had other plans. "God," he breathed, and pressed his head back against the pillow, trying to ignore it, but in a moment his hand was pressed against his erection already. "Just once," he promised himself, his voice barely audible to his own ears. He could do this quickly, just once, and perhaps it would make him stop having these thoughts. He'd seen Remus naked before, after his transformations, though he'd never really let himself look too closely. He could picture in his mind the pale color of Remus' skin, the texture of the scars across his chest. This would be easy, fast, done. 

Peter shoved his pyjamas and pants down and gripped himself tightly, stroking himself with a quick jerky movement, then tried to think of the most graphic things he could about Remus, hoping he could finish faster. He could hear Remus breathing on the other bed and he imagined Remus' breath on his neck, which was good, but he needed more. He tried to picture Remus lying in his bed as he was, the curve of his back, the way his lean body would have looked just then without his pyjamas on. And then Remus was sprawled on his back in his mind, and some faceless person was sucking him. The imaginary Remus arched his back off the bed, moaning, and closed his fingers in the faceless person's hair.

"Peter," Remus moaned and then came in Peter's mind, and arousal shot through Peter like lightning. _He'd rather be here with me. He'd rather be here **fucking** me_ , Peter supplied for himself, and then the Remus in his head was doing just that. He was driving into Peter, making him whimper with each thrust. Remus' nails were digging into Peter's hips and his teeth were scraping the stubble of Peter's jaw. He was _big_ , too, and powerful. Peter thought Remus might be powerful like this, in a way he never was otherwise, in a way he only ever was when he was the wolf.

Peter twisted his wrist at the thought, then choked on a moan and came under his sheets. He shuddered as his release hit, and tried to keep his breath quiet as he collapsed back against the mattress. A rush of relief hit him, a warm satisfied rush, followed almost immediately by overwhelming guilt and shame. He shouldn't have done that, he knew. He was going to regret ever having done it. He did a quick cleaning spell and rolled over to bury his face in his pillow, though now his mind wouldn't calm for entirely different reasons.

Oh, God. This was much, much worse than just looking at James and Sirius.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

If there was one thing Peter Pettigrew wasn't, it was subtle. Of course when you were friends were James Potter and Sirius Black, who had no eye for subtlety, there really wasn't much need for it. It was useful, Remus mused, as he looked up from his breakfast to find Peter watching him. Again. For what had to be the tenth time across the Gyffindor table at breakfast this morning. 

It was useful because Remus _was_ subtle, and because it made his friends incredibly easy to read. He knew, for example, that Sirius had shagged Emmeline Vance on more than one occasion, in spite of his assurance that he wasn't interested in relationships of any sort, by the way he smiled at her in a completely different way than he did the other girls. He knew, too, that James sometimes cheated in Quidditch matches, charming the snitch to be easier to catch for him and not the other seeker, just so he could impress Lily, and drag her to some broom closet sooner than he would have had he played fairly. Remus had also known that Peter was queer for probably longer than even Peter had. He'd seen the way Peter had watched Sirius, leered at Sirius. He'd seen the sidelong glances at James when he stripped off his muddy gear after a match. James and Sirius had always thought it dopey, ridiculous idol worship from a friend they had to know would never be as popular as they were, even though he obviously wanted to be, but Remus knew what it was. He knew it was desire.

In the past couple of years, however, Remus had seen the thinly-veiled hunger in Peter's eyes die slowly. He'd seen James and Sirius' teasing start to take its toll in the way Peter didn't laugh it off as much as he used to. James and Sirius would say something they thought particularly witty, and Peter would frown and look at Remus. Remus had, at first, assumed this was only because Peter knew he would be frowning, too, but after a while it had become clear that Peter's attentions were shifting to him. It was surprising at first. Of the four of them, Peter hadn't ever really paid Remus all that much attention before. After a while, though, Remus had found himself sort of enjoying Peter's attention. He'd found himself encouraging it when they were alone, smiling a little too invitingly, sitting or lying in ways he knew would show off the curve of his arse. 

Peter was awkward, still, even though the other Marauders all seemed to have grown out of that. He said the wrong things all the time, and he was somehow gawky and still slightly round at the same time, but there was a strange charm to him. Not that Remus could be accused of being attracted to the sorts of blokes you were supposed to be attracted to, anyway. If he could, he wouldn't have been fucking Severus Snape for as long as he had been.

That was another thing his subtlety afforded him: an almost innate ability in keeping secrets.

Remus wasn't sure why tempting Peter had become almost a hobby of sorts. He knew Peter didn't want to be gay. He knew it by the blush that crept on his cheeks when Remus caught him looking too long. He knew by the way Peter sucked in a breath and stilled slightly every time Remus touched him. He knew by the way he'd known Peter was gay for years and Peter still hadn't told even his best mates. 

And he knew, too, by the way Peter had promised himself he'd only wank once thinking about Remus - Peter forgot how good Remus' hearing could be, sometimes - and then did it every night after that with the same promise. "Just once. Just one more time and that's it." It made Remus feel good every time; it made him feel attractive in a way Snape never made him feel, because Peter actually liked him. Some nights, Remus had listened and wanked with Peter, closing his hand around his prick and squeezing to the sound of Peter breathing his name in near silent whispers that Remus was sure only he could hear. He'd stroke himself until they came together, panting softly in their separate, curtained beds, Peter blissfully unaware Remus was listening, let alone joining in. 

Other nights, with the physical memory of Snape inside him, Remus could easily imagine letting Peter fuck him, too. He'd imagine Peter chewing his thumbnail like he always did when he was nervous as he pushed his trousers down, and moist, shaky hands fumbling with his cock. It wouldn't be demanding like Snape was, or rough, he didn't think. At least not at first, at least not before Peter had shagged a few times. In his guiltiest moments, Remus sometimes imagined taking Peter's virginity. He assumed Peter was still a virgin. Remus wasn't even sure if Peter had kissed anyone yet.

Remus would be gentle and careful in this fantasy. He knew what it felt like, after all, and he knew how it felt when his partner wasn't gentle. Peter might bite his lip and nod his head to give his consent, looking up vulnerably through his lashes at Remus, and Remus would push inside and watch Peter gasp, watch his face twist in ecstasy like he never saw on Snape's face, like Snape never allowed him to see. He shouldn't think things like that about his mates, but he did. It was Peter's fault, too. Remus wouldn't have ever looked at Peter like this if Peter hadn't started looking at him first.

Most nights, he would be smile softly as he approached orgasm, thinking of how awkward, boyish expressions of want, breathed against his neck, might be nice in place of waspish insults every once in a while.

Still, Remus was afraid to break the barrier between them, afraid to harm the safety Peter felt with him. Remus didn't know what might happen if he ever confronted Peter about his feelings, if Peter would be relieved, or lash out in fear. Remus never crossed the line. He never stealthily hopped beds in the middle of the night like he was tempted... and he never missed an "appointment" with Snape. Reality, as imperfect as it may be, was more reliable than acting on fantasy and gambling on the outcome.


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Three weeks passed after stepping off the Hogwarts Express before Snape summoned Remus this year. Their meetings had grown almost frequent near the end of the last, then Remus had predictably not heard a word over the summer, but they were becoming a more dependable release for Remus again. Remus wadded the note in Snape's scratchy handwriting into a ball and shoved it in his pocket, then swatted an origami bird when it hit him in the back of the head.

Peter giggled behind him and Remus turned a mock glare on him. "Oi," he said, but then he just grinned and snatched the bird out of the air. It flapped its paper wings uselessly under his thumb. "Who folded this?" he asked, glancing behind Peter for James and Sirius, and then realising belatedly that if James and Sirius were here, they would have been standing in front of Peter, not behind him.

Peter just shrugged and came to a stop in front of Remus maybe a little too close, then stepped back. "Dunno. It was floating down the hallway already, I just sent it your way."

"Thanks ever so much," Remus said, then let the wriggling parchment free of his grasp. It hovered in front of Peter's face for a moment and then flew off, and Remus found his eyes slipping to Peter's mouth while Peter was distracted. 

When Remus looked back up, Peter was eying him curiously. "What were you frowning about just then?" 

Remus blinked for a moment, trying to think back. Had he been frowning? He slung his arm over Peter's shoulders to walk them out of the corridor, and fought a grin at how Peter tensed for a moment. It wasn't as though they never touched each other before, but ever since Peter had developed his fascination for Remus, it seemed like Peter always had a little private moment of panic each time Remus touched him now. He would relax again, after a moment, but it was there.

Sometimes, Remus convinced himself he was helping Peter with the little things he did, trying to get Peter to just face that he was gay once and for all. Most of the time, though, Remus was all too aware of the way his hand on Peter's shoulder wanted to 'slip' lower, or the way he wanted to brush Peter's fringe away from his face in a way that was more than friendly. It was funny, but after their shared wanking (well, as shared as it could be when one partner doesn't know it's happening), Remus sometimes felt like he and Peter were already sleeping together, and he had to remind himself how to behave.

"I was frowning?" he asked, after Peter relaxed under his arm... and leaned into his touch.

"Yeah, just when I walked up. What was that note?" Peter asked.

"Potions notes. I was just thinking about potions," Remus said quickly, then smiled down at Peter. They were close. It wasn't like they hadn't ever been this close before, but Peter's hair smelled like cinnamon apples, and it felt almost natural to want to lean in and kiss him. He watched Peter's expression change before noticing his hand stroking Peter's shoulder. Merlin, he couldn't help himself!

"Why'd you crumple your notes up and put them in your pocket?" Peter asked, and though Remus had stopped his hand, Remus could feel that Peter had gone tense again.

"Oi, you two, where are you running off without us?"

In a matter of seconds, Sirius had his arm draped around Remus, who still had his arm draped over Peter, and James was standing on the other side of Peter, grinning. Remus hadn't even seen them show up, but he was equal parts relieved and disappointed. James started going on about Quidditch, but Remus wasn't really paying attention. He was watching the way Peter still tried to play along like he still really liked Quiditch, even though Remus didn't think Peter still did after he'd not been picked to be on the team.

They settled in their usual spot on the grounds and lazed about for a bit. Sirius lit them all cigarettes with a new spell he'd learned, and James bored them all with more stories about Lily's friends. After a time, Remus pushed himself up and grabbed his bag. "Runes homework," he said, which was his usual excuse to go see Severus. None of the rest of them had taken N.E.W.T. level runes, and none of them paid enough attention to each other's marks to notice if all of Remus' "extra studying" was paying off.

He was unsurprised, when he slipped into the empty classroom Severus had mentioned on his note, that Severus shoved him against the wall as soon as he closed the door.

"You smell like smoke," Severus whispered harshly.

"Hello, Severus. I'm fine, thanks. You?" Remus said, and managed to strip off his bag with Severus pressed against him. His fingers slid under Severus' shirt and vest to feel the cool, too-thin body he knew so well. When Severus didn't reply, unless you counted pulling Remus' shirt off over his head a reply, Remus said, "Perhaps you should take up smoking."

"Why? So I can stink like ash and give your friends another reason to make fun of me?"

Clothes came off quickly, like they always did. Remus often tried for small talk, but it usually didn't work, and for some reason Remus didn't have the energy today, and soon Remus' clothes were hanging open and Severus' trousers and pants were around his ankles. Severus pressed his length into Remus' hip and Remus gasped, his fingers squeezing Severus' arse.

"Tell me you want me to fuck you, Lupin."

Remus thought he knew why Severus did this. He thought Severus liked the idea that James and Sirius' friends would fuck their biggest enemy. That Remus would want to do that behind his friend's backs. It seemed the sort of thing that might get Snape going. Still, Remus couldn't deny he liked it. Part of him liked how dirty this felt. Even if he sometimes wished there was more to it, there was nothing for that.

"Fuck me," Remus breathed, and Severus hooked one of Remus' knees over his elbow.

"Tell me you want it," Severus whispered, his lips ghosting over Remus' jaw.

"I want it," Remus murmured. "I want you to fuck me." His eyes fluttered shut, and Remus felt Severus do a lubrication spell that made him shiver. He opened his eyes and met Severus' intense gaze. Merlin, Severus might not have been the most attractive bloke ever, but he was sexy like this, looking at Remus with hunger in his eyes.

"You want me to have you," Severus said, the head of his cock positioned almost against Remus' entrance.

Remus shifted, turning his hips to try to get the angle right, but Severus pressed him into the wall, and then lifted his other leg. Remus flung his arms back against the wall to brace himself, eyes flying open and breath going ragged, but Severus held him quite securely. He nodded, looking at Severus from under his lashes. "Have me," he gasped, and Severus sunk into him, taking him in one swift thrust.

Remus cried out, but Severus worked his hips into a driving rhythm that made Remus' toes curl and pushed whimpers and moans from Remus with every thrust. "Fuck!" Remus gasped.

"Not such a beast, are you?" Severus hissed, "Not very fucking impressive, letting me fuck you like you were a whore."

Remus groaned, incapable of speech, but he felt safer after Severus settled their bodies moving together. He reached up from the wall and took his cock into his hand, squeezing, and trying to stroke himself in rhythm with Severus' thrusts.

"You like it, too," Severus continued, and he bit at Remus' throat, hard enough to leave marks that Remus would have to hide with a Glamour.

Remus dropped his head back and bared his neck, whimpering a bit. "Don't want to be impressive," Remus finally whispered, but he didn't deny that he liked it. He loved the way Severus felt like this, even though it sort of felt wrong, too. There was no denying it when he kept coming back for more. There was no denying it when Severus' length was driving into him, and his body was tensing with release. 

"Fool," Severus groaned, but it was becoming difficult for either of them to speak, and even Severus was starting to make involuntary noises of need.

Severus shifted and hit that spot, and Remus cried out again and then he came between them, his body shuddering and clenching around Severus. A moment later and Severus was coming, too, slumping against Remus and panting hard against his neck.

Severus usually wouldn't talk afterward, and this time was no exception. He pulled out after he caught his breath and let Remus down to his feet, then started to pick up his clothes as Remus did a cleaning charm on them both. Remus always wanted to talk, but he was never quite sure what to say, so he usually just gave Severus a smile that was never returned, and said "goodbye."

 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

 

Peter didn't wank tonight. Or if he did, Remus didn't hear any whispered 'Moony's, like he normally did. In spite of his earlier orgasm, Remus couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed at that. Perhaps when Peter had promised himself it was the last time the night before, he'd meant it. Remus sighed and shifted, closing his eyes to welcome sleep that he assumed would be harder in coming tonight, without the aid of the warmth of satiation. He wasn't sure how long had passed, but his eyelids began to get heavy, eventually, and it was just before he fell asleep that he heard it.

"Moony?"

Peter was starting a bit late, but Remus only smiled groggily, eyes still closed, and hooked his thumb in his pyjama bottoms under the covers. He started to push them down and then the bed dipped. Remus' eyes flew open, and he jerked his hand out of his pants, trying to ignore his already interested cock. He looked up to see Peter standing over his bed, curtain drawn back a bit. He had his knee on the mattress and was wearing an expression Remus couldn't read, but thankfully, he hadn't seemed to notice what Remus was about to do.

"I can't sleep," Peter whispered.

Through the haze of almost-sleep, Remus was starting to piece things together. Peter looked hopeful and terrified.

"Budge over, would you?"

A thrill of panic washed over Remus, mixed with desire. Was Peter really about to join him in bed? It wasn't uncommon for the Marauders to kip on each others beds during the day, when study sessions turned to dream sessions instead, but never in the middle of the night. Remus obeyed right away and scooted until Peter had room to lay next to him. After some shifting Peter settled in a position that looked nearly uncomfortable, half curled in on himself, and started chewing his thumbnail.

It was obvious just from that that Peter was not here to shag, or even snog. "What's wrong?" Remus asked after a moment.

Peter made a weird shrugging gesture, and frowned to himself. "Do you ever wish things would stop changing? I mean, everything's changing. We'll be out of here for good in less than a year. But sometimes things don't change and maybe they should, and sometimes things change that you don't want to change." 

Remus wanted to hug him, and he suddenly felt overwhelmingly guilty that he'd been pushing Peter's buttons on purpose when he could see now how worried Peter looked. "Can't stop change," he said, and sighed. His fingers itched to touch Peter. "And sometimes things change for a reason, even if we don't understand it at first. And... even if it's scary..." Remus sucked in a breath, but finished before he thought better of it. Peter needed to hear it. "Even if it's scary, it doesn't make you a bad person."

Remus regretted saying it as soon as the words were out of is mouth, as Peter's brows drew together sharply. He looked at Remus, his expression somewhere between shock and anger. "What are you on about?!" he hissed, and Remus had to shush him.

"Nothing, sorry, still asleep," Remus backpedaled, even though he was obviously not asleep, then reached up impulsively to sooth Peter, brushing his fingers through Peter's fringe. 

Peter closed his eyes and froze, still frowning deeply. And then time seemed to stand still for a few moments, until Peter finally whispered, "How do you know?"

Remus blinked. Oh. Was that an admission? "Does that matter?" Remus breathed.

Peter was quiet for another moment, utterly still under Remus' gentle hand. "Are you... going to kiss me? I thought, earlier, when you..." 

_God._ Remus's heart skipped a few times, and it took most of his will not to lean in and brush his lips against Peter's. Except that if he was going to kiss Peter, he didn't think Peter should be frowning like that when it happened. He waited a moment, and when it seemed Peter had just stopped talking, he replied, "Do you want me to?" 

Peter made a funny squeaking noise, but then just fell silent for a long time again, and Remus just watched him, drawing his hand out of Peter's hair to trail a fingertip along Peter's jaw, hoping wildly that Peter would open his eyes and smile at him. After a while, Peter drew a shuddery breath and smoothed his expression out, though he still didn't open his eyes. "No," he whispered.

Remus' heart sank, but he ignored the squeezing feeling in his chest and withdrew his hand entirely. "I'm sorry."

Peter seemed to have clamped down, and he shook his head jerkily. "'m'sorry I woke you up." He opened his eyes, but didn't look at Remus, and when Peter pushed out of the bed, Remus knew he'd blown his only chance.


	4. Part Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Remus Lupin had clearly driven Peter mad. 

Clearly.

Or maybe it was virginity.

It was probably the combination of the two.

Peter wasn't sure exactly, but it was easier to blame Remus, because Remus had touched him. Remus had stroked his hair and jaw, and Peter couldn't forget it now, because no one had ever touched him like that before. Sure, he had thought, in one misguided moment, maybe if he let Remus kiss him, maybe if he let Remus touch him, that he might be able to just get past it once and for all. But then Remus had seemed to know, and he touched Peter, and it reminded Peter what it would mean if he let Remus do stuff to him.

The problem was, Peter reasoned, that because he'd never been touched, kissed even, his teenage hormones were going berserk. He would have been interested in anything from anyone, at this point, and, well, Remus was safe. Remus wouldn't laugh at him.

Peter shook his head, trying not to think about the fact that Remus seemed to want to kiss him back. Just because Moony was, apparently, a poof didn't mean he had to be one, too. It was the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year, the autumn wind was whipping around them, and Peter was going to get laid. With a girl. Even if he had to bribe one to do it.

It was easy enough to get rid of James and Sirius. James was off with Lily and Sirius had taken Emmeline Vance, which Peter thought was a bit odd, as he kept insisting he didn't even like her. Peter was left alone with Remus. Again. He couldn't get away from Remus, it felt like. Remus was showing up in his dreams. He was starting to resent Remus for it.

At least Remus had the decency to look awkward when they were alone now, for the first few moments, anyway. Remus was a good bloke.

"Did you get your eight inches done in Transfiguration?" Remus asked.

Peter wandered down High Street next to him, trying to come up with a plan for getting rid of Moony, too, and walking a safe distance away without being too obvious. He huffed a laugh. "It's Hogsmeade Weekend, and you're on about homework."

Remus smiled, and for all that they were trying to keep distance, Remus' smile was still disarming, and did funny things to Peter. 

"Right, right," Remus said.

"I suppose you'll want an educational tour of the post office while we're here instead of going to Zonkos?" Peter teased.

This time Remus laughed and seemed to relax a bit. "They ought to build a public library here," he answered, giving Peter a nudge.

Peter laughed then and tried to ignore the playful touch. That touch hadn't meant anything, he reminded himself. Remus was trying to act like nothing happened, so he could too. "You're so weird, Moony. Honestly."

Remus' smile went a little funny, but it didn't get any less warm. "Honeydukes is always a welcome trip."

Peter saw his chance, and blinked up at Remus. "If I give you some money, will you get me some Pepper Imps and Ice Mice? Maybe a bar of white chocolate, too?"

Remus wrinkled his nose at the last. "Sure," he said anyway. "Where are you going?"

"Scrivenshafts. Almost out of ink," Peter said. Remus wouldn't need to go. He was always well stocked.

"I have an extra bottle," Remus said, stopping where they were because they'd already passed Honeydukes.

 _Shite._ Peter stopped too, and stared at Remus for a moment, then his brain caught up, and he answered before he'd even processed the words. "I like a certain kind. Otherwise, my quill gets all scratchy."

Remus nodded and Peter felt relieved. And nervous. Because now he had to go find a girl, and he hadn't even considered how to do that yet. There were all sorts of people here on Hogsmeade weekends, students past and present, people who lived in the area. Surely he could find some Pure-blooded (hopefully) witch who wasn't too ugly to make him stop looking at the way Remus' eyes had an almost golden quality to them and wondering what the stubble on Remus' skin felt like.

He realised he was doing just that, and Remus was looking at him that way again. He shook himself mentally. "Meet you at the Broomsticks in an hour?"

Remus blinked. "An hour?"

"Shops are busy today," Peter said, and then handed over some money to Remus, trying not to let his hand linger on Remus' skin too long. 

 

 

An hour for Remus to go to Honeydukes and Peter to go to Scrivenshafts seemed like a lot longer than they needed, but Remus agreed so he wouldn't make Peter feel foolish. He picked up their sweets and shrunk the bag to fit in his pocket, putting a cooling charm on them to keep his body heat from melting the chocolate, and left the shop with a full forty minutes to spare. He wandered for a moment, then decided he was thirsty and stopped in a little cafe to kill time and quench his thirst. It was still thirty minutes until he was supposed to meet Peter again when he was done with his drink, and he wondered idly if Peter was trying to avoid him. It depressed him a bit, but he supposed he'd been a bit stupid the night Peter came to his bed. He sighed and went to use the loo before wandering back outside to try to kill the rest of the time he had left.

Remus was finishing up in the loo, ready to step out of the stall, when the door opened and he heard a woman's voice. He was just about to clear his throat from his stall and tell her she was in the wrong loo when a second voice joined the girl's. Peter's voice. 

"In here?" the girl asked. "Why in the loo? Why in the _bloke's_ loo?" She sounded vaguely familiar, and Remus tried to peek through the crack in his stall.

"Do you have money to buy us a room? You work at the Ministry now. I already bought you drinks," Peter said, and Remus' eyes went wide.

 _Oh, God._ He needed to make his presence known now before it was too late, but Peter had just said that, and, _Merlin_ , even that much would be embarrassing! What was Peter even thinking?! In spite of himself, Remus tried to get a better angle to peek out at them.

"I'm just a lackey. Just left school, you know; they don't pay me shite yet." The woman moved into Remus' field of vision and he had to swallow a gasp. It was Bertha Jorkins, who'd left school just the year before. Remus wasn't sure she looked happy to be here, but she didn't really smile a lot anyway. "Little Parker Pettigrew," Bertha breathed. Remus frowned when Peter didn't bother to correct her, and he saw Peter fight his own frown. "This is unexpected."

Peter shrugged. "I've always liked you, I guess." Bertha looked even more dubious, and Remus' frown deepened. That wasn't true. Peter had always rolled his eyes behind her back when she hung about James and Sirius when she was still in school. He'd called her a stupid cow in fifth year, in fact, after she'd reported him to a Prefect when she caught him smoking inside the castle.

But there Peter was, leaning in and kissing her, his hands fisting themselves awkwardly in the front of her blouse. She was bigger than him, taller and rounder (not that Peter was fat, no matter what anyone said; he was just... soft around the middle), and it might have been sort of cute except that Remus was sort of horrified.

Bertha turned up her chin to pull out of an uncomfortable looking kiss, and Peter kissed her chin and throat with closed-mouthed kisses, then pressed her up against the sink and into a wet spot on the counter. "Oi, watch it!" she said, but she didn't push him away. "Have you ever done this before?"

"Loads of times," Peter lied.

"Why here?" she complained again.

Peter looked annoyed, but his hand crept up to her breast and squeezed anyway. He ran his tongue over her jaw and started to shove her cloak off with his free hand. "Look, can we just fuck... and not talk?"

Remus looked away, having another momentary panic and wondering if he could cast a Muffliato on himself. He shouldn't be watching this. He shouldn't be listening to this. Peter would never forgive him.

Bertha muttered something and then her and Peter's feet shuffled a bit on the floor. The counter creaked, and she gasped softly, then moaned a bit. Peter wasn't making a sound. Remus couldn't look back. Clothing was being shifted, and Remus heard the zip of one of their trousers and Bertha huffed a breath. This seemed to go on for forever. Heavy cloaks dropped to the floor, and breathing grew quick.

"Put your fingers--" Bertha said, then moaned in earnest, and finally Peter made a funny gaspy sort of noise. "Keep doing that," she instructed, and her following soft whimpers echoed against the tile walls. 

For a moment, Remus forgot himself and wondered how Peter would touch him, if he'd let himself. He wondered what kind of sounds Peter could get out of him. His hand pressed against his soft prick for a moment, but then Bertha gasped, "Ow!" and Remus' mind snapped back to how he was just standing in a loo, listening to Peter lose his virginity. _God_. He didn't want to hear this. He jerked his hand away from his cock.

"Sorry." Peter's voice was a whisper.

"No, just... Here," Bertha said, "Just... let's just fuck." There was another great shifting of fabric, another pair of trousers unzipped, and then... nothing. Dead silence. "Hang on, are you going to fuck me or not?" The room went silent again for one long unbearable moment. "Is this some sort of joke, Parker? Make stupid, brainless Bertha think you want to fuck her?"

"No, no," Peter said, and Remus could hear a funny vulnerability and panic in his voice. "No, I just--"

"Just what?"

Silence again. This time it lasted even longer, and it wasn't broken by Peter answering her. It was broken by the sound of clothes shifting again and the zipper of a pair of trousers, then feet were shuffling and the bathroom door swung open and closed. Remus stood there, frozen, afraid to move. He didn't know what to think. He felt a bit dirty for not having stopped them to start, and guilty because part of him was glad it went badly. He was glad it ended. He was glad Peter was still a virgin. Even if he knew Peter would never let him take Peter's virginity, he still didn't want to have to hear it when someone else finally did. After a while, he turned to open the stall door, thinking he was probably alone now, until Peter proved him otherwise.

"FUCK!" Peter yelled, and Remus heard him kick the bin across the room and all the rubbish scatter across the bathroom floor.

Remus jumped, held a gasp, and then froze again. Peter was breathing heavily and Remus heard him pace for a moment, and then stop. For another few minutes, there was no sound, no clothes being shoved back on, no washing up, no door opening and closing, and then finally Remus heard Peter heave a sob that made his heart break. When he finally allowed himself to look back through the crack in the stall, Peter was slumped against the counter. His hair was messy and his shirt and trousers were still pulled open sloppily. Peter had his head bowed and his hands pressed to his eyes, and Remus could tell he was trying to pull himself together.

Remus couldn't look away. He wanted so badly to walk out of the stall and hug Peter, but that would only make things worse. Instead he watched until Peter finally moved to dress, then listened for Peter to leave.


	5. Part Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Severus was lounging on the dilapidated bed of the shrieking shack, looking smug. It had only been a few days since Remus had seen him, but they'd been long days. Long days of trying to forget the sight of Bertha and Peter together, long nights of hearing Peter curse at himself in bed and not wank.

Remus hadn't put it together while he'd been standing in the loo, but he realised what Peter had been trying to do now, and he wondered if there was a way to make it better for Peter. Preferably a way that would allow Remus into his pants. But if that wasn't possible, he still didn't want Peter to hate himself so much. 

He'd summoned Severus this time, which was rare, and he supposed that was why Severus was wearing the expression on his face that he was now. Remus leaned against the door frame, thinking vaguely about how this place used to fill him with dread, but over the years, after his friends had started to help him each month, it didn't bother him anymore. Now he was using the place for secret trysts with his... his _something_. He had no idea what Severus was to him, really. "Lover" was a weird word that seemed too intimate. They weren't friends, but he hoped Severus still didn't think of him as an enemy, no matter what he said. Actions spoke louder than words, after all, and Severus had been buggering him for nearly a year.

"Bed's dirty," he commented.

"And I'm about to fuck a werewolf. I obviously don't care much about filth," was Severus's reply.

Remus sighed and crossed the room, dropping to the bed to sit near Severus' thigh. This was where he was supposed to start stripping off Severus' clothes and suck him. Instead, he ran his hand along Severus' leg, over his trousers, and left it there, which caused Severus to frown. "What are we doing, Severus?"

That made Severus tense, and shift out of Remus' touch. Remus knew he should have never asked. He shouldn't have broken the pattern - meet, fuck, leave, or some variation of that - but Peter had sparked a hope in him. He wanted more than this, more than just sex, and he thought for a bit that he might get that if Peter let himself go, because Peter actually liked him on top of fancying him. But it was becoming clear that wouldn't happen, and Remus knew better than to ask that of Severus, but his heart had spoken without consulting his mind.

"Did I not just state the purpose for this meeting, Lupin?" Severus said. "What's wrong with you?"

Remus looked up at the tense lines of Severus' body. "Can we talk?"

Severus' frown turned into a scowl and he didn't reply for a moment. He just gave Remus a flat look, an expression Remus didn't understand and couldn't read, then set his jaw. "You may natter on if you must, wolf... for as long as you're capable."

Remus looked at Severus, momentarily confused, until Severus pushed him down into the mattress and pulled open Remus' trousers. Oh. Severus had Remus' cock bobbing freely in just a few seconds. 

"And you'd better be finished speaking before then, because I expect you to reciprocate once I'm through."

"Severus, I-- ohhh..." Remus' mind went momentarily blank as Severus' mouth closed over his prick. _Sneaky bastard_ , Remus thought, but his fingers were in Severus' oily hair anyway. _Merlin_ , Severus was good at this, and he just kept getting better. "Mmm, I just--" Remus tried to force his mind to work. "I just, it's just... that I, sort of... I--" Severus hummed, seemingly amused, around Remus' cock and the vibrations made Remus moan and press up into Severus' mouth. "Severus..."

Severus' fingers moved to yank Remus' trousers down a bit more so he could reach between Remus' legs, and he kneaded the spot behind Remus' balls with the back of his knuckles. His tongue snaked up the underside of Remus' shaft and flicked at the slit. Remus' body was molten lava and his mind was jam, and his fingers went tight in Severus' hair. "This isn't fair," he managed.

Severus pulled off him, and Remus thought he might reply, but then wet heat surrounded his balls and Severus tongued them gently. Remus gasped and tried to focus on his words again, but then Severus' hands moved, a lubrication spell was done, and Severus' finger was inside him, seeking out that spot that made Remus scream. "Fuck!" Remus cried when Severus found it, and white light exploded behind Remus' eyelids. 

This was a specialty of Severus', and after a moment, Severus just pulled back, his finger circling that spot, and watched Remus with hungry eyes. Remus knew he should possibly be embarrassed, but Remus almost liked the eyes on his body as he helplessly and wantonly writhed against the bed under the ministrations of Severus' finger. He liked the heat in Severus' gaze, even when he knew this was probably about power for Severus.

His body was thrumming with need, and he couldn't catch his breath. _Fuck_ , Severus could do this every time! Remus tensed and then came hard, with neither Severus' hand or mouth on his cock, come splattering his stomach. Severus' finger circled slowly a few more times, and then he pulled it out. Remus melted into the mattress, panting. He couldn't help but smile a little as the wave of satiation washed over him. He'd sent his note to Severus because he'd wanted a distraction, after all.

"Do you still hate me?" Remus asked after he could breath again, too relaxed to care as his mind lazily latched on to what he'd been trying to talk about.

"Yes," Severus replied, even as he shoved his own trousers and pants down and climbed up Remus to straddle his chest.

Remus lifted his arms a little and felt Severus shift, and then the length of Severus' cock was pressed against his lips. Remus opened his eyes and smiled up at Severus, then drew his tongue up the underside of Severus' prick. Severus was always so silent when they did this, but he always watched Remus do it intently. 

"It's just that I sort of like you, you know," Remus said, finally finishing what he'd been trying to get out earlier, and thinking maybe it was even better this way because it would be harder for Severus to flee if doing so meant turning down an already started suck job. "I always have. I don't think I've ever said that." If he was truthful, that was one of the biggest reasons this arrangement of meaningless shagging was starting to wear on him.

Remus was surprised that Severus didn't reply, not even to tell Remus to shut up. He just looked down at Remus, almost as if he hadn't heard it, but there was a more far off look in Severus' eyes now than the normal hungry one that betrayed that he had. Remus took the head of Severus' cock in his mouth and sucked lightly, wondering if Severus would run off anyway, but then after a moment, Severus only closed his eyes and shifted forward, pushing past Remus' lips to shut him up another way.


	6. Part Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Severus hadn't spoken when he left the shack. In fact, a week and a half had passed without a summons. Remus wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not, but he was fairly certain that Severus was even going out of his way to avoid him and the other Marauders, by the way James and Sirius weren't nursing any injuries this week.

"Oi. _Oi, Prongs_. Look at Snivelly."

Then again, maybe not.

Remus glanced up from his book to see Sirius eying Severus across the grounds. He wondered if maybe he should leave now or wait to see what happened, but James only glanced at Severus and shook his head at his friend. Sirius scowled and James pulled on a tight smile that wasn't directed at Sirius, and when Remus followed his gaze he could see Lily smiling back at him from a group of girls a way off.

Sirius stuck two fingers up at her when James looked away, and her smile faded and she returned an even ruder gesture that made Remus blush. _Merlin_ , Sirius and Lily fought over James' attentions as if Sirius were a jilted ex, sometimes. Remus hid behind his book, then tried not to dart furtive glances at Severus when the others weren't looking.

"Just because you're fucking her, doesn't mean you have to grow ovaries of your own," Sirius grumbled.

James scowled and kicked him. " _Oi_ , don't talk about it like that!"

"Well, you are!" Sirius retorted. 

That almost started a scuffle, but just then Peter ambled up to them and settled too far away for Remus' liking. Peter used to sit to close to Sirius, and then James, and more recently Peter had been sitting close enough to Remus that their shoulders might brush on occasion. Peter was sort of sitting with them _without_ them now, and Remus sighed.

"At least Wormy's not suddenly too good to hex Snivellus," Sirius continued, and now Remus was really tempted to kick him, too.

"Huh?" Peter looked momentarily confused, but then he followed Sirius' gaze and picked up where he was going. "What's 'e doing?"

"Breathing."

Peter grinned a bit. "Good enough. Yeah, maybe later. I just ate," he said, but he kept darting glances at Severus as if Severus might attack them. 

Remus glanced over his book again to give him a look, and Peter flushed and dropped his eyes to his hands, then started chewing his nails. Remus' anger over what Sirius had done to Severus that one dreadful night had nearly left Sirius and Remus' relationship in shambles (and had, oddly enough, provided the catalyst for Remus winding up with Severus' cock crammed down his throat the first time), but now that it was "old news" and Sirius knew he was back in Remus' good graces for good, Peter seemed to be the only one still truly ever bothered by Remus' baleful looks anymore. It was as if James and Sirius had simply forgotten how his temper could be if he was ever truly angry, and thankfully, Remus hadn't needed to remind them.

"Well, you lot are boring today," Sirius announced after a silence.

"Some of us have to get jobs after school and worry about our N.E.W.T.s," Remus said, flipping a page in his text.

"Merlin, Moony, don't you ever stop studying those stupid runes? Extra study sessions, and you're still sitting out here on a beautiful day with your nose in a runes book?" James asked.

Remus hoped he wasn't flushed, and shrugged, not answering because he was already lying about his "extra study," so he wasn't going to make it worse. 

"What can you do with that shite, anyway?" Peter asked, and Remus noted his looked genuinely curious. "Can you be like a Rune-ologist, or something?"

"Who cares?" Sirius moaned. "Look if we're not going to hex Sniv and my favourite shag piece is stuck in class, let's at least sneak down to the kitchens and get the elves to fry us up something monstrous."

Remus chuckled, because really, Sirius was almost amusing when he was feeling restless, even if it was only in the sort of way a friend could love. James sighed, but started to sling his bag over his shoulder. Peter fidgeted for a minute, then said, "I just ate," and darted a glance at Remus. 

Remus didn't know if that was meant to keep him here, or if it was a hopeful look for Remus to stand with them. Either way, when James and Sirius walked off, Remus stayed and closed his book. "Truthfully, I'm not sure what you can do with runes, but I enjoy them," he said.

"I think I need an exorcism," Peter blurted.

Remus' eyes snapped up to Peter's in a split second, and Peter's face had gone so red it was blotchy. "An... what?!"

"You're the only one I can say this to, Moony. I know it's--" Peter made a face and changed tack "I know that I'm not clever like you, or handsome like Sirius, and I'm okay with that. But I can't stop it. I tried to stop it. There's something wicked inside me," Peter said, and he was talking so quickly now that Remus thought he was probably forcing himself to say this before he chickened out. "I could be okay with everything, everything, everything but... I can't stop it."

"Peter..."

"You're a poof, aren't you?" Peter asked bluntly, and he looked up and met Remus' eyes even though he was still blushing.

Remus just stared at Peter, and then nodded. "I guess so. I like blokes."

Peter frowned. "You like me?"

Remus felt a little breathless, like the oxygen had been sucked out of the air, but he nodded again. 

Peter's frown deepened. "You don't think that's wicked? You don't feel like there's something inside you that doesn't belong there, something that's going to ruin you?"

Remus was still just staring. This was not what he was expecting, but he shook his head this time, which only made Peter huff a breath. "Pete," Remus said, then wondered just what the hell he was supposed to say to this. His mind quickly went through all the ways he could possibly dismiss the notion that Peter had some sort of horrible demon inside him without making Peter feel foolish, and maybe also get Peter to accept himself. "Maybe it's just a fascination," he said after a moment, even though he'd known Peter was gay for ages. "Maybe if you did it once, you could see it wasn't what you wanted and you could stop thinking about it."

Peter looked up at Remus, his expression dubious, and then after a moment he looked away again. He chewed the inside of his lip for a minute, and then shifted. "With you?" he asked after a long silence.

"If you want," Remus said gently, and then a jolt of nervousness went through him when he realised Peter was considering it.

"D'you think I'll go to hell for it?" Peter asked. "I don't want to burn forever. I don't even like how warm it gets in the summer."

Remus blinked at Peter for a moment, and then suddenly a smile bloomed on his face, because Peter was really adorable in a weird sort of way. "I don't think so. I hope I won't go to hell... and besides, if you're only doing it to stop it..."

Peter looked as though he wasn't sure if he should return the smile or not, and he kept shifting where he sat, like his body was so full of nervous energy that he couldn't contain it. "Wh-where should we go?" 

 

 

Remus had been here with Severus before, but he tried not to think about that when he tugged Peter into the small wooded clearing near the edge of the lake. Peter still looked nervous, but oddly expectant, and Remus thought maybe he really did believe doing things with Remus once would make him not want to do things with boys anymore.

"Behind a bush?" Peter asked, frowning a bit. "What if someone sees?"

"You said you didn't want to go back to the dormitory, even with the curtains pulled and silencing charm. And you said no to the prefect's bathroom, and everyone goes behind the greenhouses," Remus replied, watching Peter shift on his feet and eye the mossy ground. "Besides, most people don't come this far out, anyway."

"How'd you know it was here?" Peter was looking at him again.

Remus shrugged, but he felt a weird sort of jolt run through him. "Someone took me here once," he muttered.

"Who?" Peter demanded.

"It doesn't matter," Remus said. Peter was still sort of standing near the edge of the covering, and Remus watched him for a moment. It mattered to Peter who Remus had been here with before, Remus could tell, and after a moment, Remus sighed and said, "No one as important as you." It was the truth. Peter was his friend and had been for years, and Severus only fucked him and called him names and didn't talk to him, regardless of the irrational like he had for Severus.

That seemed to relax Peter a little. His shoulders dropped from where they'd tensed, and Remus stepped over and tugged him gently all the way into the clearing. Remus was nervous, but not as much as he thought he should be, considering he was about to kiss Peter. Maybe do more. Then again, he had felt like he'd been shagging Peter already before Peter stopped wanking and saying his name at night, so maybe that was part of it. 

"Sit?" he suggested, and Peter obeyed, looking oddly blank and Remus knelt beside him, facing him, and lifted a hand to Peter's cheek.

"This is just to make it stop," Peter breathed.

Remus nodded.

"I've never done this. I mean I've done it, but it didn't... I..."

"Shhh," Remus whispered, pushing the memory of Peter and Bertha out of his head. "I'm going to kiss you." Peter had been staring off as he talked, not looking at Remus, but his gaze snapped to Remus' at that. Remus could see the panic in his eyes, but Peter didn't move away from him. He just stared at Remus, and then nodded, the movement jerky and strange.

Remus smiled gently and leaned forward to kiss Peter's lips. It was chaste, and Peter was breathing hard through his nose. Remus pulled back just a little, a few centimeters in from Peter's lips. "We're still friends after this. It doesn't change you, and it doesn't change me," he assured Peter, though he knew their relationship had been changing rapidly, and this would _certainly_ change it more.

"It's supposed to change me," Peter said, his tone hushed because they were close.

Remus kissed him again, and again, and again, each time it was just a gentle, closed-mouthed kiss. He kept kissing Peter like this until Peter's breathing evened out, and then he drew his tongue along Peter's lower lip and Peter gasped fast, and his breathing went wild again. Remus slid his hand from Peter's face to his shoulder to steady him, and started trailing little opened mouthed kisses over Peter's jaw.

God, he was already hard, and when Peter made a whiney noise a moment later, Remus realised Peter was hard too. It wasn't difficult to tell through either of their trousers, and Remus wanted to run his hands over Peter's cock through the fabric but he was still trying not to startle Peter. He nuzzled Peter's nose with his own, then kissed it.

"Don't have to kiss my nose," Peter said, but he sounded a little like he was being choked, and Remus looked down to see Peter's hands grasping the twigs and leaves on the clearing floor with white knuckles.

"All right?" Remus asked. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed at how this seemed nearly painful for Peter. 

"I don't think it's working," Peter managed.

"Can I touch you?" Peter turned to stare at Remus again, and then shook his head. Remus had to try really hard not to frown. "Should we stop?" 

Peter shook his head again, more quickly this time and then blushed. "Can I... touch... myself... while you ki-- keep doing that?" Peter stammered.

Remus was dubious about continuing, but nodded after a moment anyway, since Peter had agreed and was suggesting they continue. He leaned in and kissed Peter again, and out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Peter shift and press his hand to the front of his trousers. Remus coaxed Peter's mouth open with his tongue, and Peter squeaked a moan when Remus' tongue brushed over his the first time and his hips jerked against his hand. Remus had to ball the hand that wasn't on Peter's face into a fist against his thigh, because that reaction rushed through him like a shock, but he was worried about what Peter might do if he touched himself too. His cock strained against his pants for touch.

Remus deepened the kiss, and Peter had no rhythm to the way he responded, but he seemed to like it, in spite of himself. At least he was finally responding, and his hand was rubbing his erection through his pants faster now. Eventually, after Remus kept his kisses regular enough, Peter matched the pace of Remus' tongue and lips, and Remus could feel the huff of Peter's heavy breathing against his skin. He finally pressed his hand against himself, because he was aching with need, but he just pressed and didn't stroke.

When he trailed his kisses over Peter's throat, Peter tipped his head back, letting it hang behind him, and Remus licked his Adam's apple. Peter moaned a little and Remus scraped his teeth over the skin, which prompted a gasp, and then Peter shuddered.

"Nnnnffffnnngg!" Peter's entire body spasmed as he came in his pants, and then he sort of froze, panting hard. Remus pulled away and watched him, shifting awkwardly to adjust himself, liking the satisfied sag of Peter's body.

Eventually Peter straighted from where he'd sort of sprawled out a bit, and his expression changed. He looked as worried as he had earlier, and Remus' heart gave a horrible tug. "Any better?" he whispered.

Peter stared at him, his expression going confused at the question, then he glanced at Remus' lap and his lips parted softly. Remus had no idea what that meant, but Peter tore his gaze away after a moment. "Th-thanks, Moony. For um..." Peter shrugged. "Helping me."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Peter," Remus whispered, desperately wanting Peter to believe him.

Peter frowned, and then got to his feet awkwardly. "Thanks, Moony," he said again.

He scurried out of the clearing, and Remus felt all the air leave his lungs, suddenly wondering if he would regret this later. He hadn't thought Peter would just leave like that. He'd half imagined, even, that Peter might realise that it really was all okay. Remus was still hard, but he didn't feel like wanking anymore just now, so he just pressed himself up against the nearest tree to wait until his body was calm enough to leave.


	7. Part Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Peter looked up and grinned, his eyes flitting over Remus' face. "Moony?"

"Yeah?" Remus asked. They were sitting in the library. He didn't think Peter had smiled at him like that since this year began. Peter's fringe had fallen into his eyes. Remus wanted to run his fingers through it. He wanted Peter so much it sort of hurt. Which was a rather unfortunate side effect of having kissed Peter, of having kissed Peter a lot, and tasted his skin, and watched him orgasm, and felt him shudder with release under his lips. _God_ , now it was Remus that couldn't put it out of his head. And Peter?

Peter was smiling at him like he used to. Had it really "exorcised" Peter's demons?

"Do you want to suck me?" When Remus' eyes went wide, Peter laughed and kicked him under the table. "A mouth is a mouth, right? It doesn't make me gay if I like your mouth. And you're a boy and a poof, so you'd know what it felt like. You probably would know better than me what I would even like."

"I want to suck you," Remus breathed. There were people in the library, but none of them seemed to notice the conversation going on between him and Peter. Oddly, Remus wasn't even concerned. In fact, he slipped under the table and crawled to Peter's lap, then undid his zip and pulled down his pants. Peter's cock popped free and it was beautiful. _God_ , it was truly big and beautiful. Remus thought he could easily worship it.

He drew his tongue up the underside of Peter's shaft, and Peter gasped. It was just how a cock should taste and feel against one's tongue, and Remus gripped the base and sucked the head into his mouth.

"Fuck, Moony!" Peter gasped, and Remus swirled his tongue around the head until Peter spoke again. "Put it all in, I need more!"

Someone walked by the table, but didn't stop and Remus blinked at that for a moment, but the swollen prick in his hand was immensely more interesting than asking Peter if he'd managed a distraction charm of some sort. 

"Do it," Peter begged.

Remus smirked to himself, relaxed his throat, and took Peter as deeply as he could. Fuck, it was amazing! Remus wasn't sure what had switched in Peter's mind, but he didn't care. He was being allowed to do this after the taste of Peter had left him wanting more. He worked his mouth into a rhythm over Peter, relishing the way Peter squirmed under his ministrations. Peter's legs kept shifting with pleasurable energy, and eventually Peter slid down in his seat and spread them wide, shifting his hips to shove his prick into Remus' mouth farther.

Remus was already hard, but that brought forth a moan, which made Peter shudder in response.

"Oh my God, oh God, Moony, Moony," Peter was babbling and his fingers fisted tightly in Remus' hair. So tightly Remus thought it should hurt, even thought it didn't.

Remus pressed his hand to his cock and shifted, craving the release he hadn't claimed last time with Peter, as Peter began fucking his face in earnest, the hungry push of his cock into the wet heat of Remus' mouth leaving Remus utterly breathless. He shifted once more, and again, thrusting against his forearm until he was tangled in sheets. The scene before him swirled to blackness, and it hurt almost physically. He gasped and opened his eyes to find himself frotting desperately against his arm, and froze immediately, though he couldn't stop the frantic pace of his breath.

_Fuck._

The dormitory was silent and dark, and Remus' bed curtains were drawn. His first impulse was to charge over to Peter's bed and tell him to take care of what he'd started, but after a moment his rational mind started to pick up and take over the haze of sleep and arousal. He pressed his hand to his erection and swallowed a groan, then slipped out of bed.

Severus hadn't touched him in over three weeks, and after his last encounter, with Peter in the clearing, Remus was starting to feel needy. He crept across the room, and climbed half under James' bed and started to dig, carefully so he didn't wake his friend, for the map. Once he was out, he spread it out in his lap. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he breathed, flicking his wand at it.

His eyes darted first to the Slytherin dormitory. Severus wasn't there. It didn't take long to find him though. Remus knew a few places to always check first, and he eventually saw the little marker for Severus sitting perfectly still in the Astronomy tower. "Mischief managed," Remus whispered, then quickly stuffed the map back under James' bed, trying to make it look undisturbed, and headed out of the room.

By the time he reached the tower, he realised he hadn't changed out of his pyjamas. He knew it would get him mocked, and honestly, he wasn't sure what to expect after not seeing Severus for so long, but he needed something. What that something was, he wasn't sure, but he didn't know what else to do anymore.

"Fancy meeting you here," he murmured, smiling faintly. His cock was soft now, but still aching from being teased, and he had to remind himself not to become over eager just looking at Severus and knowing they were alone right now.

Severus looked up and scowled. "Are you following me?"

"I haven't met with you for three weeks and you think that?"

Severus watched him, watched him so closely that Remus felt naked, then arched a brow. "Fancy a fuck?"

Remus felt himself tense and relax at the same time - tense because Severus was going right back to this, and relax because Remus really did need exactly what Severus was offering. It was odd, but Remus nodded. "Yes."

"Strip," Severus ordered, not getting up from where he was sitting.

Remus blinked at him. _Strip?_ He glanced over his shoulder then back at Severus, feeling his face heat even as his cock twitched to life again, which was probably the reason he lowered his gaze, letting his fringe fall in his eyes, and started unbuttoning his pyjama top. He swallowed, and let it fall from his shoulders once the buttons were opened.

He started to unlace the tie in the front of the bottoms, and Severus told him to go slower, so he did. Remus kept darting little glances up at Severus, who was watching him with barely contained lust in his eyes, and yet again Remus found himself enjoying being watched, even when he knew he should be embarrassed. Eventually he let the bottoms drop to the floor, too, which left him standing on the stone floor in just his pants. He looked up at Severus. "I meant it when I said I liked you."

Severus was still fully dressed, but there was a bulge in his trousers. His expression was blank. "My regard for your opinion on myself or anything else is quite low, Lupin."

Remus nodded and hooked his fingers in his pants and pushed them off, slowly, letting his cock spring free.

"You disgust me," Severus continued, though his eyes were still hungry. 

"That's not how it seems," Remus said, then gave the bulge in Severus' trousers a significant glance.

"You swallowed my prick to make sure I didn't tell the school your secret. You have no decency."

It was true that he'd sucked Severus the first time after going to him and telling him he'd do anything to keep Severus quiet, but that didn't mean he wouldn't have done it otherwise. Remus kept that to himself. "You hexed Fabian Prewett's cat so its insides were on its outsides. I have more decency than that," Remus said calmly, though he was starting to feel odd about just standing here naked when Severus wasn't. 

Severus' eyes raked his body for a moment. "Point taken, Lupin, I'll rescind that argument. It's self-respect you lack." He tilted his head at the way Remus was standing there naked, in a way that clearly implied this was a perfect example.

Remus' mouth fell open, but he didn't argue. He wasn't sure he _could_ argue. Except that he didn't think the fact that he was buggering Severus was all that degrading. Okay, this, right now, was a little awkward, and Severus wasn't very nice to him and he kept coming back. Still they both got something out of it, and Remus almost didn't hear Severus' insults anymore. "Th-this has-- this has been mutually beneficial," he finally managed to stammer in his defense, his hand going to his prick to cover it slightly because this was weird.

"Exactly, Lupin. Why would I wish to change anything about this arrangement?"

"Because I treat you well." _Even when you treat me like this_. "I like you." _Sometimes I wonder why._ "I--"

Severus cut him off. "Do you wish to end our dalliance?"

Remus stared at him for a moment, surprised by the question, then shook his head. It was only after that that Severus shifted and pulled open his pants, just enough for his cock to spring free, hard and lovely, and Remus felt his cock throb again at the sight, need surging through him.

Severus glanced up, his fingers curled around the base of his cock and his eyes glinting at Remus. "Then I suggest you stop spewing your _feelings_ about me," he said, the word "feelings" sounding disdainful, "and come over here and sit in my lap."

Remus felt oddly aroused and deflated all at once, and when he crossed the room and climbed into Severus' lap, Severus did a lubrication spell and guided him directly down onto his cock, and Remus gasped. He stayed in Severus' lap for a good half-hour, though, with Severus surging up into him, filling him with pleasure that made him forget anything else even mattered. He clung to Severus' shoulders and came with Severus' fingers curled around him. When Severus came too, he patted Remus' cheek in a patronising way, called him a "good wolf," then zipped up his trousers and left Remus there, naked and sticky.

Remus felt numb for a moment, coming down off his release alone, and when reason returned to him, a wash of emotion hit him all at once, when he realised something with stunning clarity: within a single month, he'd gone and mucked up two good things in his life, his friendship with Peter and his relationship with Severus... all because he'd tried to change them.


	8. Part Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

It was absolutely out of the question to go to Remus. It was a dangerous idea to try again, seeing if maybe letting Remus touch him would make Peter stop having the thoughts he was having. It obviously hadn't worked, just letting Remus kiss him and touching himself. Of course, when he'd had those damnable fantasies about Remus, Peter had never once fantasized about wanking himself while Remus kissed him. Maybe in order to rid himself of these thoughts, Peter had to actually do exactly what he thought about.

The thought made Peter blush and squirm and feel rotten. He'd thought all sorts of wicked thoughts about Remus since that first wank. It was weird that Moony had gone from being one of the most benign people he knew to becoming one of the most unsettling. 

Remus was a good kisser. Not that Peter had anyone to compare it to, besides... well, Bertha, who hadn't seemed to want to kiss him back. He wondered if that was because he was bad at it. Remus hadn't complained, and Remus had moved slowly enough that after a while Peter was able to imitate Remus' movements and kiss him back. It made his stomach do weird things when Peter realised, one afternoon, that Moony had taught him how to kiss. It made him think he ought to go off and try to snog another girl and see if he was better at it, but usually the thought of Remus' tongue on his had him simply ducking in the closest loo for a quick wank.

He was going to go straight to hell when he died. He hoped that wouldn't be anytime soon.

Remus had been looking down for a while now, and Peter felt a little guilty because it seemed to have started not too long after Remus had taken him to the clearing. Except he also didn't feel guilty, because maybe Remus should be miserable. _He's a shirt-lifter werewolf with dirty blood_ , he'd remind himself, and then invariably he thought next, _he's also sort of beautiful. He's the nicest person I know, and his lips are warm and soft and gentle._

Peter had just finished his Herbology homework alone. He'd been avoiding Remus, who was his usual study partner, ever since that afternoon in the clearing. Well, avoiding him to the extent of not being alone with him when he could help it. When he stepped into the dormitory, he was surprised to find Remus was the only one sitting inside, smoking and... dressed like a cat. Peter blinked at him for a moment, and Remus looked at him miserably. It took a moment for Peter to remember it was Halloween.

Remus never dressed up, but James and Sirius had insisted on it, as this was their last year, and said that they would even go to the trouble of getting Remus a costume. Peter ignored the fact that _Prefect_ Lupin was smoking inside, and tilted his head at Remus. "Bet they thought that was funny," he said.

"Oh yes, _hilarious_." Remus' enchanted cat's tail twitched irritably. "I talked them out of whiskers, at least."

"What are they dressed as?" Peter asked, telling himself he could not look at the way Remus' cat suit fitted his body snugly in certain areas.

Remus Vanished his fag and did a quick spell to get rid of the smoke in the room. "The Knights Who Say Ni."

In spite of Peter's hesitance with Remus lately, Peter laughed. Remus' eyes lit for a moment, but then he just looked back at his hands. Peter had to fight with himself over whether or not he should feel guilty, but in the end, he was. He walked across the room and sat on his bed, looking at Remus. He not only looked sort of miserable, but ridiculous on top of it. Peter felt a little flash of irritation at James and Sirius. They were always making people feel stupid, though he had a sneaking suspicion that the cat suit wasn't what was making Remus feel bad, since Moony never seemed to mind being teased. "How come you didn't tell them no?"

Remus shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. It's just a stupid costume, and if it makes them happy, I don't care."

Peter frowned, but only shifted to put his bag on the bed.

"I'm sorry. I fucked everything up, didn't I?" Remus muttered.

Peter's gaze snapped back to Remus. He stared for a moment. No matter what he'd been thinking about what had happened, he hadn't been expecting (or, to his surprise, wanting) an apology. "It didn't take anyway."

Remus laughed an unhappy laugh. "I didn't think it would."

Peter's frown was back. "What did you do that for, then? Were you having me on?"

Remus finally looked up, his expression worried. "No! No, I just hoped you... I just... I just wanted to... wanted... you."

The irritation Peter was feeling was replaced with a rush of warmth, as his face heated. No one had ever told him they wanted him before, he wasn't that sort. Not even Bertha had _wanted_ him. He'd _bought_ Bertha with a few drinks. "W-why?" he stammered.

Remus still looked concerned, and he shrugged again. "It's not like I haven't known you and liked you for seven years, you know, but this year you just... when you... I don't know, I just do, but I'd give anything to just make it go back to how it used to be, because I can't stand you avoiding me."

"I haven't been avoiding you," Peter said, but Remus gave him a look and he dropped his gaze because they both knew he was. He was silent for a long time, trying to ignore the traitorous thoughts in his head that kept telling him that no one else would ever actually want him. He told the voice several times that Remus only liked him because Remus was weird, which he already knew, but the little voice wouldn't stop. "You'd do anything?"

Remus tilted his head at Peter, a curious expression that Peter couldn't read crossing his face, but then he just nodded.

 _Don't say it_ , he told himself vehemently, but his stomach twisted and his mouth formed the words, "Maybe if you did it again..." Remus' eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open and then he just started shaking his head; Peter knew he should be relieved, but he just felt exposed and rejected, and irrationally angry. Remus said he wanted him and he wasn't even going to help him again?!

"No, no," Remus said urgently, "I really don't think that's--"

"You said _anything_ ," Peter snapped. "You said you wanted me!"

"I do!" Remus exclaimed. "I told you I don't think it'll work and--"

"It has to work, Moony, and you just said _anything_!" Peter was scowling now, but Remus looked completely floored. Floored and miserable... and cat-ish.

"I... I..." Remus looked back at the floor and shifted, then didn't say anything, and Peter was still scowling when Remus looked back up. "Are you sure?" he asked, and his voice was tiny.

"D'you think I would have said it if I wasn't?" Peter asked, still feeling irked. It was sort of making an implication that he wouldn't have, he supposed, which was a lie, since Peter had never been more unsure of asking that. He'd been more sure about it the very first time, but now he knew that time hadn't worked at all. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware that he wasn't so confident this time would make any more difference than the time before, but they were doing it now, and that's all there was to it.

Remus still looked unsure, but he stood, cat tail flicking around like mad, and made a few steps toward Peter's bed, and Peter stood abruptly and said, "Your bed." He couldn't do this in _his_ bed, where the memory might haunt him every night. Remus seemed to have the same thought though, as he looked mildly arrested for a moment before relenting and walking back toward his own bed.

In a matter of moments, Remus was lying next to him on Remus' bed and the curtains were drawn. Remus cast a silencing charm and eyed Peter cautiously. "Pete," he said softly, and cupped Peter's cheek with his hand. 

Peter only flinched a little, and then closed his eyes. A moment later he reopened them, because it occurred to him that, while it might be easier to not look at Remus while they did this, it also might not stop the thoughts if he didn't actually see that it was Remus doing this. "Go on, then," he said, because Remus was still just looking at him. "Take your ears off first, though."

Remus blinked, then laughed nervously and pulled his cat ears off. A moment later, Remus' tail was gone, too, but not before it moved to run up Peter's thigh and make his cock pulse to life just a little. _Merlin_ , it really shouldn't be so responsive to this!

Remus drew a deep breath then, and leaned in and kissed Peter, and Peter's eyes fluttered closed. Remus was doing that closed mouth kissing thing again, and Peter knew he needed more this time than last, so he poked Remus' lip awkwardly with his tongue. Remus gasped, but then kissed him properly, and Peter felt his body light on fire, just like it had last time. Actually, it happened faster this time, because he knew how to kiss Moony back now, so he was a little less worried about making an arse of himself.

 _Oh, God_ , he was kissing Moony again, he realised, and it was just as brilliant as it had been before. Peter knew it was wrong, but he couldn't deny that it felt amazing. He kissed Remus for a little while, whimpering softly at the way it made his cock ache for touch, but he didn't touch himself this time. If this was going to work, Moony had to do it. He pulled away just enough to breathe, "touch me." Remus paused, and Peter tried not to feel upset that Remus was hesitating again.

Remus pulled away and gave him a searching look, then murmured, "I really do like you. I meant that."

Remus really needed to stop saying things like that. Really. Peter's lips curled into a confused smile anyway, and then Remus' hands were on him, and Remus was kissing his neck, and Peter let his eyes flutter shut now, letting himself enjoy the way Remus' tongue felt on him. He'd already given in and let himself enjoy this last time, so he didn't see what the point in holding back this time.

"Can I touch your skin?" Remus murmured.

Peter held his breath as Remus' question sank in, the words hot against his skin, and then he nodded, a quick jerky move. Unexpectedly, Remus pushed himself up and nudged Peter back onto his back. Peter wasn't sure why, but there was a different look in Remus' eyes now, something that was more akin to the way Remus had looked the last time. Remus sat back a bit and started slowly pulling open Peter's shirt buttons. 

Something was wrong. Remus was slowly baring his chest, but he wasn't kissing Peter. He was supposed to be kissing Peter and not looking at him the way that he was. He wasn't supposed to be looking at Peter's chest like he was being given some great gift. He was supposed to kiss Peter and touch him, and _wank him_ , and then it would be over. _You're doing it wrong_ , Peter almost said, but then Remus swooped down and licked his throat, and his tongue moved over the top of Peter's chest. Remus had said 'touch' not 'lick,' and the unexpected pleasure caused a moan that Peter tried to stifle badly.

"It's okay to like this," Remus murmured.

"No, it's not," Peter breathed, mostly because Remus was screwing this all up. He couldn't tell Remus to stop now, though. He couldn't. It was too amazing.

"It is," Remus insisted, and then cupped a hand against Peter's crotch, and Peter's hips jerked against it. 

Peter's already erratic breath went wilder. Remus' hand was against his cock! Someone else was touching him. Peter couldn't even argue this time, no words would form, and then Remus' mouth closed over his nipple and Peter squeaked and fisted his hand in Remus' hair without thinking. "Ohhh..."

Remus licked and nipped across Peter's chest until Peter couldn't breath, and then his hand pulled at the top of Peter's trousers and he gasped in both arousal and panic. He should stop this. He should say no. He should close his hand around Remus' wrist and stop it, but he was paralyzed by want. It wasn't until Remus stopped and looked at him that Peter realised he'd literally frozen. 

Remus looked down at him with concern, and _damn it_ if Moony would stop seeming to care about him, this would be so much easier. But Remus just leaned down and kissed his lips, dipping his tongue into Peter's mouth tenderly and something inside Peter melted and froze and then melted again, and he moaned. Remus' hands started moving again, and Peter held Remus hair to keep him kissing him, because it was distracting from what Remus' hand was doing... until Remus' fingers curled around his cock.

"Remus!" Peter gasped, and Remus looked at him, a slow smile curling his lips.

Remus ducked his head, kissing Peter's chest again, only this time he was moving lower over Peter's stomach, which Remus nuzzled. "Shhhh..."

 _That_ Peter didn't understand, until Remus dropped another kiss below his belly button and swooped down to suck Peter's cock into his mouth. Pleasure erupted in him, shooting flames through his body, along his spine. "Fuck! Oh, oh, f-fuck," he hissed, but his mind had filled with static and he couldn't hold still and Remus' mouth moved over him. "Nnnnngh, oh, fuck," he babbled. It was the most amazing thing he'd ever felt, and it was weird, and the weirdness even felt good.

Remus moaned around him, and that sent new waves of molten pleasure through Peter, both from the vibrations around him and the idea that Remus liked the taste of his prick. The bed was shifting in a funny way, and Peter was suddenly aware that Remus really enjoyed it, because at some point Remus had started to stroke himself. There was a niggling feeling in Peter's mind that there was something wrong with enjoying sucking a cock so much, but then Remus sucked a little harder and cupped Peter's balls with his free hand, and Peter arched back against the bed, forgetting the thought as quickly as it came.

 _God_ , Remus wanted him, and was sucking him, and, in spite of himself Peter reached down to put his hand on the top of Remus' head. Remus made a satisfied noise at that, and Peter's hips jerked up, surging into Remus' mouth as the feel of Remus' head bobbing under his hand caused his balls to tighten and pleasure to coil low in his stomach, and then he came hard, spasming against the sheets. _Oh God_ , and Remus was _swallowing_ it, and moaning, and obviously coming, too, and it was _too much_!

Peter's eyes went wide as the last of his orgasm ripped through him, but then he just laid there panting. Remus pulled back, and looked up. The smile on Remus' face slid when he saw Peter's anxious look, and he quickly scrambled up the bed to lay next to Peter again. "Peter. Please don't panic. I really like you. I like you so much it hurts. I like you so much I'd do anything. Anything. But please don't freak out on me."

"I... could tell... that you liked..." Peter said, breathless and confused.

"You're gay, Peter." 

Remus looked a little desperate, and as much as Peter wanted to argue, he couldn't. He couldn't move any part of him, let alone his mouth.

"Or you at least like blokes," Remus amended, "And it's not some demon, and it won't ruin you, and you're only going to be miserable forever if you don't..." Remus trailed off and sighed. "I like you, but if you don't like me, I don't want to lose your friendship."

Peter stared at him. The world had turned upside down and Peter couldn't make sense of it. He started to stuff himself back into his pants, and pull his shirt closed. He'd asked for this, and liked it - _really_ liked it - but he didn't want anything Remus was saying to be true. None of it. "Thanks, Moony," he breathed, just like he had the time before, mostly because he'd asked for it, and it would be dreadful of him to make Moony feel bad about this, even thought part of him wanted to, and it was obvious Remus already did.

 _God_ , Remus was beautiful and caring, wasn't he? Peter swallowed thickly, watching the way Remus looked at him like he might burst with emotion, and then slipped out of the bed before he could do or say something stupider than what he'd already done tonight.


	9. Part Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Severus looked surprised by the words that had come out of Remus' mouth, for what was likely the first time since he and Remus had begun their private meetings. Both his eyebrows were raised, but not in that way they were sometimes when he was calling you a imbecile without using words. A moment later, the expression was gone almost as fast as it came. Severus tilted his head, and his lips quirked slightly. "Come again?"

"I want you to fuck me until I can't remember my name." It wasn't a desperate plea, breathed against skin as passion built. It was a simple request from a man standing calmly across the room. Remus watched Severus watch him, and after a moment, he dragged his shirt over his head and dropped it to the ground. "Do I need to 'beg prettily'? I will. I have no self-respect, remember?"

"I remember." Severus was looking at him as though he'd gone mad.

Remus might as well have. Peter hadn't been able to look him in the eyes for longer than a few consecutive seconds since Halloween, which felt like it was longer ago than just a couple of days past, and in retrospect, Remus had been a fool to think he could turn that entire encounter around. He should have just done what Peter asked and nothing more, like the time before, but in the moment, he had thought Peter would accept it if he'd shown Peter how good it could be and assured him it was all right.

And it had felt so good...

_Fuck it._

Remus knew now he couldn't change a thing. He couldn't get Severus to like him beyond sex, and he couldn't get Peter to come around where that was concerned either. He couldn't change anything. In fact, he had the feeling he'd irreparably damaged his relationship with Peter. But at least he still had this. As distanced as it might be, it was something, and he might as well just enjoy what he still had left, and maybe if he let Severus consume him, he could stop thinking about Peter's fingers in his hair and his name on Peter's lips.

He crossed the room and closed his fingers in the front of Severus' shirt, then started to undress him. "Are you going to fuck me, or just stare at me?"

"What the fuck is the matter with you, Lupin?" Severus asked, his brows drawn together. He closed his hand over Remus' and Remus looked up. 

He didn't really feel like anything made sense anymore. He froze for just a moment, staring at Severus and not quite understanding why what Severus said would strike him, and then he tilted his head. "I thought we weren't going to talk about our feelings."

Severus blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.

"That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" Remus asked, still looking at Severus, his gaze serious even as he brushed Severus' shirt off his shoulders and to the floor.

Severus nodded though, even if Remus still couldn't quite read the expression on his face. Remus leaned in and kissed his jaw, biting and licking at it, letting his lips trail down Severus' neck. Severus didn't stop him. He didn't block Remus' hands from undoing his zipper either, but he wasn't really responding, and eventually Remus pulled away with a sigh.

"What?" 

"Have you been cursed? You're acting strangely."

Remus made an exasperated noise and then covered his face with his hands. "No, I've just mucked my life up, but what do you care?" He sighed. "What then, Severus? Tell me how I'm supposed to act." When Remus looked back up, Severus held his gaze for a long moment, so long it did things to Remus he knew it shouldn't do, stirring exactly the things inside him that had got him into this mess in the first place, which really didn't help right now. Those feeling were exactly what he didn't want to think about, and even though Severus looked unhappy, there was a funny sort of softness to his gaze which wasn't normally there that tugged at Remus.

But then Severus said, "On your knees, wolf," and pulled open his trousers, and Remus was glad of it. 

He dropped to his knees right away and pulled down Severus' pants to reveal his erection, sucking the head into his mouth slowly. The wasn't exactly what he wanted - he'd wanted Severus to make him scream until he was hoarse - but it was nice and it would do. Severus' prick was warm and hard in his mouth, and Remus took Severus as far back as he could, grasping Severus' hips and pulling them forward as well until the head of Severus' cock hit the back of his throat.

That was enough to make him moan, and Severus rested his hand on the top of Remus' head as Remus reached down and pressed his hand to his own cock. Remus sort of wished Severus would call him names like he always did; it would have been easier to forget himself in this. Part of him wondered why Severus wasn't. But most of Remus just wanted to not think about anything but the flesh between his lips and the man standing above him who didn't like him, but at least enjoyed what Remus knew how to do with his tongue.

He pulled off Severus and working his tongue along one side of Severus' shaft, sucking his way to the base where he ducked down and teased Severus' balls with his tongue. His hand went to his own cock and fisted it, squeezing and pulling, and by the time he moved back to swallow Severus' cock again, Severus' fist was clenched in his hair.

He looked up to see Severus was watching him as usual, and Remus could fill in the insults for himself under the intense gaze of those dark eyes. _Wolf, whore, slut. You have no self-respect._ Always quiet, always watching him, eyes always hungry, just like they were on him now, as Remus locked his gaze with Severus and sucked. He knew what Severus was thinking, even if he was choosing silence. His mind filled in all the blanks, and after a while Remus nudged Severus' hips to encourage him to thrust.

Remus was starting to feel weak with arousal when Severus obeyed, and his hand crept around Severus' arse, but Severus swatted him away. That only spurred Remus on, his head dipping furiously to meet Severus' thrusts, even when they were a little too deep, the hand on his own cock moving to match his rhythm. _Dirty, filthy._

The echo of Severus' voice was getting louder in Remus' head. If Severus said he had no self-respect and Peter thought he was a pervert, why should he bother trying to _not_ be those things. He moaned around Severus cock, sucking hard, and Severus gasped and made a strangled noise. Remus felt a flash of lust run through him; he wanted to feel every bit of what those words implied. He pushed Severus back a few inches, slipping his mouth off Severus' cock to fist it in his face.

"Fuck, Remus!" Severus gasped, and then he was coming, white streaks of come hitting Remus' cheeks and lips.

Panting hard, Remus stroked Severus until there was just a bare strand of pearly fluid still clinging from Severus' cock. Remus had lost rhythm on himself when he started to stroke Severus, but his hand was still squeezing himself, and when he felt Severus' come drip off his chin and hit his chest, it took only one jerky movement of his hand for Remus to groan and come between his fingers.

He collapsed back on his heels, panting and feeling spent. He didn't bother to clean his face right away, and he heard a shifting and opened one of his eyes, the one that wasn't dangerously close to come. Severus had dropped to his knees in front of Remus and Remus sat forward again.

Severus' eyes were wilder than Remus had ever seen them, in spite of his expression being mostly flat, but Remus' sated brain couldn't think, and before he knew it, Severus was leaning in to him and licking the come from the corner of his mouth. Remus moaned automatically, his breath going erratic and his heart beating wildly, and before he could stop either, Severus kissed him, a slow, almost tender kiss. Severus never did anything intimate after sex, but Remus returned the kiss enthusiastically, barely able to process what was happening until Severus pulled back.

Nothing was said for a long moment, but there was that funny, unhappy expression again on Severus' face. Then it was gone, and Severus let his gaze wander from Remus' eyes to the mess on his face. "You're filthy," he said.

Remus blinked, feeling overwhelmed. By what, he wasn't sure, but after a minute his lips quirked, and he knew it had to have been the high of orgasm that caused it, but he suddenly realised something. "You wouldn't want me any other way."

Severus pursed his lips, looking more like Severus was supposed to look, then stood up and yanked his clothes back on. "Wash your face," he muttered, then left the room.


	10. Part Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

The dreams might have been nightmares if they weren't so fucking beautiful.

They'd started just after Remus had let Severus come on his face, and they were welcome, considering he was dreaming about Severus again, and _not_ Peter. Not that he really understood where he stood with Severus after that kiss, but at least Severus seemed to enjoy Remus' "perversion". He wasn't in danger of Severus freaking out on him.

The dreams started where the reality had ended, with Remus slumped back on his ankles covered in Severus' come, except when Severus leaned forward to lick the corner of Remus' mouth this time, Severus didn't pull away. He climbed into Remus' lap and lapped at his skin, licking the fluid off Remus' face until Remus was clean again, then kissed Remus, expelling the still warm come in his mouth. 

Remus realised something after leaving Severus that night. Severus had never really _kissed_ him before then. Not properly, the way you might kiss a lover. Remus had later dismissed it as the newness of the moment overwhelming them, when Severus went back to using insults as foreplay the times they'd shagged since then. Remus had to start using a silencing spell at night before he went to bed, because every night, invariably, Severus would crawl on top of him in his dreams and clean him again, drawing his tongue over the bridge of Remus' nose and along his cheek, high enough for the edge of it to brush the tips of Remus' eyelashes. Then they'd kiss, the sticky semen gliding between their tongues until they were hard again and frotting against one another.

Those dreams were fine. _Brilliant_ , actually.

But then Severus had gone home for the hols, which was a disappointment, and Peter, for the first time ever, had stayed in the castle, since his dad had died last year and his mum had decided to spend Christmas with some aunt or uncle Peter hated. The combination of more uninterrupted time with Peter and no time with Severus only made the dreams worse, made them both the most amazing things Remus had ever imagined, and the most confusing. Because Peter walked into them.

The first few times it happened, Remus had bolted upright in bed, out of sleep, ready to have to duck out of a crossfire of hexes naked.

After that, Remus' mind relaxed enough to the idea that he started staying asleep. His fantasy Peter would push him to the bed, smiling kindly down at him as he leaned in to kiss him, while the fantasy Severus shifted lower. They never acknowledged each other, Severus and Peter, and in Remus' waking moments, he was mildly amused that even his fantasies knew better than to actually interact with each other. The imaginary Peter would draw his tongue along Remus' and maybe splay his hand over Remus' chest, and the imaginary Severus would push Remus' legs up and open roughly, and draw his tongue around Remus' hole until he gasped and moaned into Peter's mouth.

Peter would be sweet and awkward, and Severus would dip his tongue inside Remus, making him whimper and cry out against Peter's lips. Then Remus would sift the fingers of one hand through Peter's hair, holding him in their increasingly hungry kiss as Severus drove his pleasure higher, and reach his other hand down to where Severus' hand was on his thigh, curling his fingers around it and squeezing in a way he wouldn't dare in reality.

He'd usually come without being touched, splattering his release over his stomach, and then Peter and Severus were gone and he was lying in his bed, sticky.

They were beautiful dreams at night that turned to nightmares as soon as Remus got out of bed the following day and had to face Peter. Remus tried to make himself stop wanting Peter, but he couldn't. _Oh God_ , he couldn't.

Remus wasn't certain he'd ever been as grumpy during Christmas as he was by the time the first week of this year's break ended, which seemed to be in direct contradiction to the smiles on everyone else's faces, the green and red garland that lined the staircases, the Fairy Lights that flitted around the castle...

 _Even the castle's mocking me_ , he thought, as he settled in a squashy armchair in front of the fire, near where Sirius and Peter were sitting on the rug. James had gone home for the hols too, but that was hardly unusual.

Sirius glanced up at him, his expression oddly discerning, but then he turned his attention back to the fire. He tossed an Exploding Snap card in and cast a shield charm to block the flame and soot that came exploding back out of the fire. Peter wasn't as quick. He got pelted with a bit of flaming debris and had to do an Aguamenti on his trousers when some of it landed there, as Remus drew his wand and extinguished the rest of it without a word.

"What the fuck, mate?!" Peter exclaimed, but Sirius laughed and Peter's angry expression melted into a sulky frown. When Sirius nudged him, the best apology he would get, Peter didn't respond.

Remus wanted to touch him, to put his hand out and comfort him, to brush his fringe back and kiss his forehead to soothe him. The feeling of intimacy with Peter wouldn't leave, no matter what, and it made Remus' chest ache.

Sirius shrugged and leaned back on his elbows, poking his wand through loops of the carpet, and looked between Remus and Peter. It was funny how lost he sometimes looked when James was gone, the way he looked at Remus and Peter as if he wondered whether he could convince them to join him in some plot and then thought better of sharing it. He seemed to think Peter was only good on his own when they were off hexing people, and Remus had tried to avoid most of the "mischief" after Sirius' attack on Severus. It was no small wonder Sirius disliked Lily so much. Remus slumped in his seat.

Peter had begun to unconsciously mimic Sirius and pick at the carpet, when Sirius suddenly looked up at Remus again, his lips pursed. "All right, let's have it. Do you think we're going to let you sulk forever?" he blurted.

Remus turned and blinked at him, and saw Peter freeze out of the corner of his eye. "Sulk?" he asked, "I'm not sulking."

"You look like shit and you're even less fun that usual. Out with it."

Remus watched as Sirius sat up and fixed him with interested eyes, and Remus almost groaned when he realised that he was what Sirius had decided would occupy his James-free time this afternoon. Oh God, what was he going to tell him?

"It's nothing. Really. I'm just worried about N.E.W.T.s, is all." Remus let his fringe fall into his face.

"You fucking liar," Sirius said, but he was smiling a little. "You're going to take Os in all of them and become the Minister for Magic. You know, you're just stodgy enough for it."

Remus laughed darkly, knowing it was meant to be a joke, but also knowing the Ministry would never hire him for anything. "Right."

"So. Spill," Sirius said, tilting his head at Remus and watching him.

"I'm-- I just..." _I'm shagging Snape and he's making me crazy in ways that have nothing to do with sex? I can't look at Peter without my heart tugging funny? I sucked him and now he hates me?_ Remus grimaced. Beside him, he couldn't tell if Peter looked about ready to faint or strangle him to make him not say anything about him. "I'm just... I'm queer," he blurted. He felt a bit like he might throw up, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Peter's jaw drop. "And--"

"Right," Sirius replied lightly, "So what, bloke trouble? You know, Lily's friend Michael is bent, maybe we could..."

Sirius was still talking, but Remus got lost in thought. _Merlin_ , bloke trouble? _Sirius doesn't know the half of it!_ Remus thought, and then his mind ground to a screeching halt when he suddenly realised Sirius was talking about this like he'd known all along that Remus was gay. Remus turned to stare slack-jawed at him, and saw that Peter had done the same. 

Sirius kept talking until he looked up from the bit of carpet that he was gouging with his wand, and suddenly barked a laugh at the way his friends were staring at him. "What?" he asked, amused.

"You-- you..." Remus stammered after he'd finally managed to stop gaping.

"I know?" Sirius filled in. "Prongs and I've known for ages, Moony. _Merlin._ "

"You didn't tell me?!" Peter asked, and Sirius gave him an exasperated look, but something oddly sympathetic flashed in his eyes for a moment before he looked away. Remus blinked at that, noting the funny look Peter had missed and absence of a verbal reply, and suddenly realised with a shock that his friends were much more perceptive than he thought. James and Sirius, it seemed, knew they were both gay. Peter just frowned and started inspecting his nails for a spot to chew that hadn't already been chewed off.

Remus wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. He mostly felt exposed. And silly, because they'd known and he thought he was good at keeping those sort of secrets. They'd _known_ and hadn't said anything. "How'd you know?" he asked quietly.

Sirius' eyebrows peaked, and he took on a serious expression, then reached up and squeezed Remus' knee, as if his next point was of great importance. "Moony. You let us put you in a _cat suit_ on Halloween. How could we _not_ know?" Remus blushed and Sirius grinned again immediately.

"You both knew?" Peter squeaked, but Sirius ignored him completely this time and Remus was more focused on not falling out of his chair. Or throwing up. Or fainting, or punching Sirius (not _hard_ , but just enough), or looking at Peter.

That was the worst thing he could do, look at Peter. Mostly because he was having a hard time controlling the sudden impulse to blurt out something about it being _okay to be gay, and look, Sirius doesn't care, and there's nothing wrong with you, and I want you._

"Honestly, mate, you're the poofiest bloke I know," Sirius said, "We were half hoping we'd get you all tarted up and you'd finally get laid, and learn to relax a little."

Remus' mouth dropped open yet again, but his expression went half-way between horrified and amused. Okay, mostly horrified. But it was finally starting to hit him that they didn't care. In the back of his mind, he'd always known that, considering they didn't care that he was a _werewolf_ , but it had still taken all this time to admit.

He ignored the way Peter was bright red. He didn't have to ask to know what the thought of Remus in his cat suit was doing to Peter. "I'm not poofy," he muttered finally, feeling his cheeks were still a little too warm. 

Sirius regarded him for a moment before his grin went wicked. "Have you _seen yourself_ throw a Quaffle?"

In spite of himself, a nervous laugh bubbled up in Remus, and he smiled even though his brows wouldn't lower from his hair line. " _Oi, fuck off!_ " he breathed.

Sirius was laughing when Remus kicked him lightly in the ribs.


	11. Part Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Peter couldn't get Remus' words out of his head. _I really like you. I like you so much it hurts. I like you so much I'd do anything. It won't ruin you._ They'd played so many times in his head, Peter was starting to think that as long as Moony really liked him, and he _seemed_ to, Peter might be able to get away with letting Moony touch him some more. As long as they were quiet. As long as no one knew. As long as it was only their dirty secret.

Peter knew he wasn't anything special. He knew as much as his mum might want it, he was never going to marry some Pureblood witch that would make her proud. On top of that, he'd already let Moony suck him, so maybe he was already ruined. If that was the case, Peter was starting to slowly persuade himself that if he was already dirty, what would it hurt if he did more with Remus? It had been terrifying, yes, but it had felt good too, and nobody else wanted him anyway.

Maybe there was no use fighting his wickedness.

It was bad enough that Peter's thoughts and dreams were betraying everything he knew was right and normal, but then Sirius had gone and acted like it was _okay_ for Remus to be queer. Sirius and James, who affirmed that he knew about Remus and didn't care, just like Sirius said, when he came back from hols, clapped Remus on the back and congratulated him for admitting it.

"It's about bloody time, Moony," James had said, and he and Sirius had set about a plan to get Remus laid, which Peter knew wasn't necessary, though Remus didn't protest. 

Remus had dropped his head to let his fringe fall in his eyes, bit his lip, and blushed bright red, but didn't protest one bit. 

He was so fucking adorable it made Peter angry sometimes, because in moments like that Peter wanted Remus. Peter had seen how tender and gentle Remus could be with him, and every time he saw Remus be cute, it made Peter want to have that all to himself.

 _Oh, God_. He was thinking of Remus as cute. Maybe there was no use fighting Moony.

Peter wasn't sure it made sense, when he really thought about it. James and Sirius were Purebloods, _normal_ Purebloods, and Peter usually agreed with the way they thought, except perhaps where Sirius was concerned. The Pettigrews weren't high society, old money Purebloods, and Peter sort of thought if his family were anything like Sirius', he would have used it for all its potential, rather than walk away from it. Otherwise, for all of Peter's many misgivings about his friends, they usually knew what they were talking about, especially where friendships and enemies were concerned.

Peter had been exasperated at first. First Remus was a halfblood, then a werewolf (which had been hard to accept at first, even if he had grown to think it was rather brilliant), and now a _poof_?! What was next? Where would his friends finally draw the line?!

It was vexing that Remus was better than all of them put together, because Peter knew there'd never be a line, where Remus was concerned. And also because Remus was what he was and he _shouldn't_ be better than all of them, and yet he still was. He was the best person Peter knew and he liked Peter. So much it hurt. And James and Sirius thought that was okay, for Moony to like blokes.

Maybe it was okay for Peter to like Moony too. He clearly did, in spite of himself. It didn't make him gay if he just liked one specific bloke, did it? No one had ever looked at him the way Remus did. No one was ever so kind to him. In Peter's darker moments, he could sometimes convince himself that Remus had taken advantage of him on Halloween, but Peter knew better than that. Peter knew Remus was the last one of them that would ever hurt one of the others.

Christmas had come and gone, and Peter had finally given back in to his fantasies, had given back in to wanking and thinking about Remus' lips on him. That only made the desire for Remus more persistent. It only made James and Sirius seem more sensible. Peter started letting himself sit closer to Remus, like he used to, after a few weeks had passed, and to his amazement, Remus seemed happier because of it. His smile went more natural again and his shoulders lost the tense lines he'd been carrying around for months.

Peter felt oddly powerful, for perhaps the first time in his life.

It wasn't as though he'd changed. He knew he wasn't really powerful. But he could hardly believe that he had the power to make Remus happy, when even James and Sirius' attempts had failed. Making Remus happy was the one little aspect of his life that Peter had complete control over. It was amazing. He found after a while he craved it, and one day he sat down close enough to brush Remus' shoulder with his own and relished the way Remus sucked in a breath at it.

"Hi," Peter said, smiling at him, satisfied at Remus' reaction.

"Hi," Remus said softly, and he looked surprised by how suddenly close they were. In fact, he looked to be debating whether or not he should shift away from Peter or not. "Um, hi." 

Remus didn't pull back, but he looked away and so did Peter. There was no one out on the grounds in January, but Peter had noticed the past few years that Remus always liked to go out and sit when it was snowy.

"I meant it when I called you weird before." Peter shifted and pulled a packet of fags out of his pocket and lit one, then offered one to Remus, who took it from him and lit it wandlessly. "It's freezing and you come sit out here without a warming charm. Is werewolf blood hotter than ours or something?"

Remus snorted, taking in a lungful of smoke. "Doubtful."

Peter inched closer to Remus and told himself it was for warmth, though he sort of liked the way Remus tried to pretend he didn't notice. "So why're you sitting out here? You did it last year, and the year before."

Remus looked at him and smiled, and Peter thought he knew it was because the other Marauders hadn't probably noticed Remus did this. He took a drag, and watched Remus as he exhaled.

"It's nice, isn't it?" Remus said, fidgeting with his fag. When Peter snorted, Remus amended, "Not the cold. But... look at it."

Peter looked out at the grounds, blanketed in white, and the frozen lake, and then back at Remus. There were a few strands of silver in Remus' hair that hadn't been there the previous year, and in the light reflecting off the snow, they shone just a bit brighter. Peter hadn't been this close to Remus since Halloween, and then it had been dim behind Remus' bed curtains. Remus really was beautiful. He wasn't typically handsome, like Sirius, but if Peter were going to be queer with anyone, Remus was nice to look at. And he was safe. Discreet. Peter leaned in against him a little more.

"When did you decide to be gay?" he asked absently, still staring at Remus' hair.

Remus turned his head, and then his lips parted softly. For a moment he just stared, then he finally breathed, "I don't remember deciding." He Vanished his smoke before it was even half gone, almost as if he anticipated where this was going.

"How many blokes have you had sex with?" Peter wasn't sure why he wanted to know these things. He hadn't intended to ask them; he'd, in fact, never considered them before, but they suddenly seemed important if he was considering letting Remus touch him again.

"Pete!" Remus gasped, pulling back a little, his breath fogging the air.

"No, honestly, Moony, I want to know!" Peter pulled back enough to give Remus an earnest expression, though he was still sort of pressed to Remus' side, and Vanished his own fag. "A lot?"

"No," Remus said automatically, but he was still looking at Peter like he'd gone mad.

"More than five?"

"No!" Remus exclaimed. "Pete--"

"More than three?" Peter pressed.

"No," Remus said again, though the surprised expression was starting to slide and his cheeks were starting to colour instead.

"Two?"

Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. " _Oh my God_ , why?" he asked, sounding miserable.

"It's two, isn't it?" Peter asked. He wasn't sure why he was grinning, but he was.

"Like... all the way?"

A jolt of something funny went through Peter, because he hadn't considered he could possibly be one of Moony's numbers until then. His grin slid a bit. "Um... yeah."

"...Yes."

"Two?"

Remus nodded.

"Who?"

"This is weird, Pete," Remus said.

Peter realised he was leaning in close enough to easily drop his head to Remus' shoulder. When had he moved again? He reached up to brush at Remus' hair before he could stop himself. 

Remus' eyes fluttered shut, and for a second, Peter was sure Remus had leaned into the touch of his fingers. But then Remus opened his eyes again. His eyelids were all droopy and his eyes kept darting to Peter's lips, and Peter thought it was quite possibly the sexiest thing he'd ever seen, which was a bit of a shock. So much of a shock that his body responded. 

"You can't keep doing this," Remus murmured. "I thought we were going back to normal."

Peter shook his head slightly. "Tried. Can't."

Remus shook his head in return. "You can't keep doing this."

Peter frowned. "Yes, I can." _I'm a Pureblood. I can have anything I want, including you_ , he thought, feeling slightly irked. Now that he'd decided to do this, Remus was trying to tell him no when he so clearly wanted Peter back!?

Peter quickly went through a few things to say when Remus didn't reply other than to shake his head again, then dismissed them all and pressed his lips to Remus', still frowning. He thought he was a fairly quick study in kissing. He thought he was doing it right when he urged Remus' mouth open with his tongue. He was rewarded when their tongues slid together, feeling searing hot against the icy air, and Remus made a little whimper and closed his hand in Peter's shirt.

Remus pushed him back a little when the kiss ended and stared at him, looking breathless and well-kissed, but dubious. "You're suddenly okay with being queer? How'd--"

"I'm not queer. Don't say that. It's you. You mucked everything up," Peter snapped. The kiss had been very nice, and Peter's body was tingling in all the right places, but he still hadn't stopped frowning.

Remus' expression matched now. "I mucked everything up?!" he asked, his voice rising, even though he hadn't pulled away.

"Yes, and you can't just make me queer for you and then stop wanting me! That's not fair!" Peter breathed.

"It's not about that, Peter, I do want you--"

"Then shut the fuck up and kiss me again."

Remus blinked at him for a moment, then exhaled a shaky breath. "I swear, if you go all weird on me, I'll never do it again."

"I won't," Peter insisted. _Merlin_ , he hoped it would be true. Now that he'd said it, he wasn't sure, but then Remus' lips curved into a shy smile and Peter was reminded of how adorable he was.

A moment later, Remus' lips were against Peter's again, and Peter felt his frown slowly melt off. He was more than happy to let Remus control the kiss. He wondered if they ought to put up a distraction spell, but reminded himself that no one but Moony was crazy enough to be out here in January, and anyone looking out the castle windows at this distance wouldn't be able to make out who they were.

Remus' hand moved to Peter's hair and he sighed and leaned into it. Kissing was nice. It was wet and messy, but it made his stomach jump and his cock harden, and then Remus' hand was stroking down his chest. Peter remembered the way Remus' mouth felt against his skin, which was better than this, but it was still nice to be caressed so gently. Remus' hands moved almost reverently over the top of Peter's shirt, and Peter unconsciously moved into the touch as Remus' lips ghosted over his jaw, scalding the wind-prickled skin there. 

"Moony!" he gasped, as the burn of Remus' mouth moved and left a damp trail for the wind to freeze. "C-cold!"

Remus pulled back a bit, chuckling, and cast a warming charm around them. He was hard too, and Peter wondered how Remus managed to do magic when he was his prick was full.

"You can touch me too," Remus whispered. "It's okay." He resumed the gentle licking and nuzzling of Peter's jaw, and Peter's mind went all fuzzy around the edges.

 _Touch him? Oh God._ Peter reached out and placed his hand awkwardly on Remus' shoulder, stroking across it to Remus' upper arm, and he felt a little dizzy. It was just an arm, and it wasn't like he hadn't touched Remus' shoulder before, but it was difficult to believe he was doing it in this context. Remus pushed off their coats now that it was warm around them and his hand moved over Peter's chest again. Peter mimicked him, sliding his fingers over the taut skin hidden beneath Remus' shirt.

It was doing things to him he didn't think touching a boy's chest should do. Bertha's chest had been squishy and not at all appealing, but Remus-- Peter suddenly wondered what it felt like to lick Remus' chest like Remus had licked his, and nuzzle Remus' stomach, and wrap his lips around...

"Oh fuck!" Peter panted, remembering that first fantasy of Remus and replacing the faceless man who was sucking Remus in it with himself. He decided suddenly that sitting side by side on the bench was awkward for touching, and nudged at Remus, hoping Remus might kneel in front of him and give him a repeat of what happened last time, but to his surprise, Remus slipped into his lap, straddling him on the bench.

"Pete," he whispered, and pressed down.

Peter cried out as Remus' length pressed against his own, and his hands wrapped around Remus to pull him down. He needed more of that. Remus wasn't pressing hard enough, and Peter shifted up against him, drawing a moan from Remus' lips.

It occurred to Peter that maybe he shouldn't like the way Remus' cock felt against him, or the nice curve of his arse (which he noticed suddenly, with a flash of heat, was what he'd grabbed to pull Remus down with), but there was nothing for it now. Remus was pressing down and rocking and leaning Peter back just enough to move while keeping them both from falling backward off the bench, and all Peter could do was moan and cling to Remus and push back.

Remus kept murmuring Peter's name, over and over against his neck, and Peter whimpered when Remus moved to kiss him again, a hungry, desperate kiss that set all the nerves in Peter's body on fire. Peter exploded with pleasure, coming inside his pants, and Remus wasn't too far after him, shuddering over Peter's body and then melting against him in a sated heap.

"Mmm, Peter," Remus whispered, and kissed Peter's neck softly, and Peter felt the familiar guilt start to surround him.

He was _gay_. He hadn't touched Remus before. He hadn't thought about what might happen if he touched Remus back instead of just letting Remus touch him, or what it might do to him to feel Remus' cock against him. Even through layers of fabric, Remus' body made more sense to him that Bertha's had; it felt like it fit better.

Remus pulled back to smile at him, looking giddy with release, but his smile slipped when he saw the distraught expression that had formed on Peter's face.

" _Shit_ ," Remus breathed.

"No, no," Peter said quickly, trying to flatten his expression. "I'm not running." Now that he knew what if felt like, the way Remus' body could truly move against his own, he knew it was too good to walk away from, no matter what his (rather large) reservations were. "Look, Remus," Peter murmured, his eyes resting on Remus' shiny lower lip, because he couldn't look at his eyes. "Let's not say anything. It'll be our secret, all right?"

Remus stilled a little in his arms and didn't answer, though his brows drew together in an unhappy knit. Eventually, he slid out of Peter's lap and back onto the bench. "Do you have another fag?" he asked, doing the charms to clean them up.

 _Oh Merlin_ , Moony was unhappy again. "No, I don't," Peter lied. "Look... it's just. It's just... mutually beneficial," he said, then nudged Remus' knee. "I mean, I'm not _queer_." He couldn't have anyone think that. At least not until he sorted this all out in his mind.

Remus nodded quickly. "Mutually beneficial," he said, his voice flat. He sighed and turned to give Peter a sidelong look that was a little too full of need for Peter. Peter had to look away.

"Let's get in out of the cold."


	12. Part Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Mutually beneficial. Later Remus had wanted to tell Peter to _fuck_ Mutually Beneficial. He was already getting Mutually Beneficial, and he wasn't even convinced it could work between friends. Surely James and Sirius would notice. He'd decided to tell Peter just that, without mentioning his other... arrangement, but then a few days later, Peter crawled into his bed at two in the morning and snogged him and touched him until Remus forgot that Mutually Beneficial wasn't what he wanted anymore.

Peter had gone a little strange when they were around other people again, sitting too far away, looking away from Remus a little too quickly, but after a few more uncomfortable rounds of rubbing against Remus while Remus rubbed back, Peter had eventually become an eager lover, in the sense that he had taken a keen interest in letting Remus touch him. Remus supposed, given Peter's virginity and previous level of repression, that was to be expected. Peter did not, however, take to reciprocating very quickly. He'd ask for a suck and Remus would do it happily and wank himself, or he'd ask for Remus to kiss him and wank him and Remus would frot against the bed. Remus wasn't sure what the root of Peter's behaviour was: nervousness, seeing as how Peter still claimed he wasn't gay, or selfishness. Remus loved all his friends, but he wasn't blind to their faults. Selfishness was one of Peter's biggest faults, right along with his desire for people to pay attention to him. Remus was lavishing attention on long-neglected parts of Peter's body, as well as Peter's ego, when they were alone.

Unlike his arrangement with Severus, calling the arrangement that developed between Remus and Peter "mutually beneficial" was actually a bit of a misnomer.

Still, Peter slipped into his bed about twice a week, and Remus did enjoy touching Peter. He liked watching Peter go from nervously giggling to wantonly squirming under Remus' mouth. Peter was becoming a better and better kisser too, and he was a nice contrast to Severus, when Remus allowed himself to compare the two. Peter was sweetly awkward where Severus was demanding and so bloody sexy.

It took a good month before Peter stopped looking dubious upon climbing into Remus' bed. And it took about that long for Remus to be bothered that Peter wasn't returning as much as Remus was giving. He enjoyed making Peter happy, but he supposed somewhere in his mind, he'd decided Peter's comfort level should have improved a lot in that amount of time. He enjoyed pleasing Peter, but not so much that he was going to just be Peter's personal sex toy in this so-called "mutually" beneficial relationship, and it was clear that Remus was going to have to push a little.

They never talked about it, but Peter seemed to come on regular days, usually Wednesdays and Fridays. Remus didn't know why, but when he heard Peter pull his curtains open and stalk across the room one Friday night, he wasn't surprised. Peter climbed onto the bed on his knees and closed the curtain, and Remus set up a silencing spell.

"How did you do on your potions exam?" Remus asked softly, stroking his fingers through Peter's hair once he laid down next to him.

"Probably about as dreadful as you did," Peter murmured, leaning in and kissing Remus.

Remus grinned against Peter's lips. "If Sluggy would stop playing favourites, I'd be brilliant in it," he said. He tried not to think of the other reason potions classes distracted him, and slid his tongue into Peter's mouth.

"If you'd start paying attention..." Peter countered, shifting closer until their bodies were touching. 

Peter was already hard, which was expected, even if Remus was only just getting there. Remus wondered sometimes if Peter got hard just thinking about doing this before he crossed the room. Remus slid his hand down Peter's side and under Peter's shirt. "There's only so much I can ignore. Still Sluggy's fault."

"Oh, right, you're brilliant in everything else and you have to be a poor sport about the one thing you're not," Peter goaded, even as his breath started to hitch at the way Remus was tracing shapes on his stomach.

"Don't be bitter because I don't let you cheat off me." Remus smiled against Peter's jaw, then nipped at it, and caught Peter's mouth in a kiss. He slid his tongue along Peter's, enjoying the slightly sweet taste that meant Peter had probably eaten more rice pudding with his dinner than he should have. It was wonderful, how good kissing felt. He didn't get a lot of it from Severus.

He slid their bodies together as they kissed, shifting his now-hard cock against Peter's and drawing out the kiss until they were both breathless.

"Bitter," Peter breathed finally, as Remus divested them both of their shirts.

"Yes, bitter," he said, pressing Peter back into the bed and rubbing his length against Peter.

Peter gasped and arched up against Remus' hips, his hands pulling Remus down. "Will you suck me?" he asked.

Remus held in a sigh, and nuzzled Peter's neck. "Yes. I'll do more than that."

"More than--"

"I'll make you feel better than you ever have before," Remus promised, kissing Peter's jaw and curling his fingers against Peter's hips. He rocked down again, a shallow thrust that made Peter cry out with need and their pyjamas bunch between them.

"H-how?" Peter asked.

Remus pulled back a little and looked a Peter, his eyes traveling Peter's face. Peter looked so innocent sometimes, even though Remus had known Peter for years and knew Peter had his own demons. But there was still a sweet side to Peter that Remus wasn't sure he'd seen in anyone else he knew since they were still children. "Do you trust me?"

Peter's expression clouded over for a minute, and he looked warily up at Remus. "I--" Peter snapped his mouth shut, then nodded.

Remus smiled, then rolled off of Peter and onto his back. "Could you maybe suck me first?"

Peter watched him roll away, his eyes going a little wide in surprise, and then his jaw fell open at what Remus asked. He stared for a moment, his eyes searching Remus' face, then roaming down his body to the bulge in Remus' pyjamas. Peter bit his lip. "I've never..."

"I know," Remus whispered. He pulled Peter toward him and kissed him again, and Peter followed his tug and splayed his fingers over Remus' chest. They kissed for a while, and Remus relished the way Peter's body went from taut to melty again. "I want you to. You're a very good kisser," Remus said, and a smile bloomed on Peter's face.

"Thanks," Peter said. "Um, can I take my pants off too?"

Remus grinned. "I was hoping you would."

Something funny flashed across Peter's face. That happened sometimes, when Remus said things like that, when he wanted to look at Peter. Remus didn't know if that was because Peter didn't think he was much to look at, or if things like that suddenly reminded Peter that they were, in fact, both quite gay.

Remus ignored it, and started to push his own pyjamas and pants off. Peter followed his lead and did the same, then shifted down the mattress. He'd kissed Remus' chest before, and Remus was hoping for more foreplay, but Peter was noticeably nervous now. He settled on his knees between Remus' legs and tentatively ran his knuckles along Remus' shaft.

Remus' eyes fluttered shut. It wasn't much, really, but it was Peter touching him, and Remus wanted more.

"It's bigger than my mouth," Peter murmured.

Remus' lips curled. "Yours's bigger than my mouth too."

"Yours is bigger than mine," Peter pressed, but then his hand curled around Remus' cock.

"Longer, not thicker."

"You compared?!" Peter blurted.

"You did too, didn't you?" Remus cracked his eyes open in time to see him blush, and then closed them again and whimpered as Peter started to hesitantly stroke him.

Peter continued his hesitant movement for a few more pulls, then whispered, "How do you not choke?"

Remus reached down and laced his fingers with Peter's, stroking with him, mostly because he thought it might calm Peter. "You don't have to take me too deep," he managed to breath.

"What if I'm bad at it?"

Remus thought there was something in Peter's tone that implied Peter wasn't sure he _wanted_ to be good at sucking Remus. Remus opened his eyes and looked at Peter, then dropped his hand from his cock and held it out to Peter. "Come here." Peter moved quickly over Remus and kissed him, and Remus sighed at the feel of Peter's body fully naked against his own. "You won't be bad," he promised, and kissed Peter again. "You don't have to do it at all, but I love the way your lips feel on me. I wish you did it more," he murmured. Peter drew a deep breath, and returned the kiss more enthusiastically this time. 

When he moved away, he kissed Remus' neck and chest too. He settled again between Remus' knees, and his hand was a little more firm on Remus' cock this time. Remus hummed his approval and Peter started to stroke slowly, his hand moving easily over skin, squeezing a little just under the head. Remus let out a breathy sort of noise and shifted a little, widening his legs a bit. Peter seemed to take that as the invitation it was, because his hand slowed and the bed dipped strangely, and then Peter's lips were on his cock.

It was so sweet it made Remus' heart melt, the way Peter just sort of kissed the head, his lips mostly closed. It felt oddly good though, and Remus thought that mostly had to do with the fact that Peter was doing it at all. "Pete," he whispered, and reached down to stroke Peter's cheek. "Thank you."

Remus' eyes were closed, but he could feel Peter's smile against his hand, and then Peter dragged the flat of his tongue over the head of Remus' cock. Remus made a strangled noise and fought the way his hips wanted to jerk and push up into the moist heat. The dampness on the head of his prick cooled in the air and then Peter did it again. And again. And then Peter's hand started to move again.

"God, Peter," Remus gasped, because it wasn't perfect, but it was teasing enough to get Remus worked up, the flat of Peter's tongue dragging over him like that. Peter wasn't truly sucking him, but a moment later he closed his mouth around just the head of Remus' cock and swirled his tongue around it, like Remus had done to him many times. "Ohhh, yes!" Remus opened his eyes to watch, wanting to see Peter's head bent over his prick, working to get him off, but when he looked down, Peter was staring at Remus' face. There was a fascination there, mixed with hunger, but when their eyes met, Peter looked away quickly and faltered over his cock. Remus closed his eyes and dropped his head back again.

"Feels so good," Remus whispered, stroking Peter's cheek again. After a moment, Peter responded, taking Remus into his mouth again, sucking lightly around the head. "More," Remus encouraged, but Peter made a funny sort of squeak, and Remus decided not to push. This was a good start and it certainly felt good. The teasing sensation of it left Remus just on the edge of pleasure, and then Peter's hand started to move again.

Remus moaned and his toes curled into the sheets, his fingers going into Peter's hair. It took a lot longer before Remus reached orgasm than it usually did with Severus, but there was also something nice about that. There was something more methodical and thoughtful in that. It left Remus open to think about what was happening and how amazing it was, how much he cared for Peter. When orgasm overwhelmed him, he came over Peter's hand, calling out his name, then slumped back to the bed.

He'd warned Peter first and Peter had pulled away, and when Remus opened his eyes finally, Peter was sitting on his heels, letting his eyes travel Remus' body, the way he was slumped there, relaxed and content. "Brilliant, Pete," Remus whispered, and Peter's eyes flicked back up to Remus' for a moment before he moved to lay down next to Remus again. Remus rolled his head to the side and looked at Peter from under his lashes, still catching his breath.

Peter was looking at him now with this strange combination of awe and expectation. Remus grinned and pressed Peter back against the bed and moved between Peter's legs. He leaned down and took Peter's cock in his mouth without preamble, knowing how long Peter had been hard now and that he was probably aching. Peter gasped and then fisted his hand in Remus' hair. "Oh, Moony," he moaned, but then tensed when Remus brushed his fingers over his entrance. "I don't--!" he gasped, and Remus pulled away and interrupted him.

"Just my finger, and I'll use lube, and I promise if you don't like it, I'll stop." Peter stared at him. "You said you trusted me." There were moments that Remus felt a little like he might be taking advantage of Peter, given the obvious discrepancies in their experience and levels of comfort, but then he'd think that Peter was anything but innocent in reality, and Remus really cared for Peter. It was better for Peter to do these things with someone who cared, than do them for the first time with someone who might not be so patient and would possibly ruin the whole experience for Peter. Remus supposed he only really felt guilty because he thought that it would be better if they were in a real romantic relationship.

Remus' heart tugged at that thought, but he brushed his fingers over Peter's arse again. Peter closed his eyes and nodded, but his breathing had gone shallow. It only took a few swipes of Remus' tongue over Peter's cock to get Peter sprawled open for Remus again, and Remus moved slow, loving the way he could take Peter apart like this, and making sure Peter didn't get too close to coming. Once he was sure Peter's mind was back on the way Remus' lips were playing him, Remus did a lubrication spell that made Peter hiss.

"S-slow," Peter panted, and Remus nodded around his cock before pressing his finger inside of Peter. Peter choked out a funny noise, clenching tightly around him, but didn't complain.

Remus worked the tip of his finger in a circular motion, trying to get the tight ring of muscle to release its tension, while he told his body not to become excited again. Severus never let him take. Remus had done it before, but it had been some time, and feeling that clench around his finger was starting to make him hungry for it. God, he wanted to fuck Peter. He'd thought it before, but now he had to force his urges aside in order not to do anything stupid that might hurt Peter.

When Remus felt Peter's body finally give, Peter was whimpering and pulling Remus' hair as Remus continued to suck him. Remus pushed his finger in a little more, to the first knuckle.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Peter whined, but it sounded more needy than not. "Remus, _God_ , you have-- fuck!"

Remus tried not to snort around Peter's cock, but his lips curled up anyway, and he slid his finger in deeper, moving as slowly as he could. Peter moaned again, this time a low, scratchy sound that drew out until Remus' finger was fully inside him. Remus could see the beads of sweat that had broken on Peter's brow, but Peter just lay there panting. "Burns," he whined.

Remus pulled off Peter's cock again. "Bad?"

Peter panted. "N-no," he said after a pause.

Remus nodded, then licked over the head of Peter's cock, watching as his breath just went wilder, then he crooked his finger inside of Peter, seeking out that spot to make Peter scream. 

"Oh my God," Peter breathed, wriggling a little, but Remus knew that was just at the new sensation of movement, and then a moment later: "OH FUCK! FUCK, MOOOONY!"

Peter's hips jerked a few times, thrusting into Remus' mouth, and then Peter was coming with a force Remus had never seen him come with before, twisting and spasming wildly. Remus pulled his finger out to avoid awkwardness when Peter was relaxed again, and when Peter did collapse, he was still moaning with residual pleasure. 

Remus smiled and moved up to nuzzle Peter's neck while Peter was still too dead with orgasm to respond, then, for the first time, he wrapped an arm and a leg around Peter and snuggled up at his side. "I told you you would like it," he breathed, kissing Peter's neck.

Peter smiled lazily and didn't pull away.


	13. Part Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

It was difficult balancing two lovers, especially when those lovers were sworn enemies. Peter was easier to manage, but that was mostly because he and Remus shared the same dorm, wore the same house colours and kept a similar schedule. Severus was another story. Severus would send him a time and a place, and then Remus had to dance around his friends and his own schedule to make the meetings. Remus had never missed a meeting before he started messing around with Peter.

"You've been neglecting me."

"I wasn't aware there was anything to neglect," Remus countered. For a moment, he wondered if Severus was really bothered. It was always hard to tell.

He had really only missed two summons and those had only been recent. Excuses wouldn't work here though, Remus knew. There was a gusty spring breeze whipping through the clearing by the lake, but Remus started to strip anyway, the wind sending his shirt flying open once he finished the buttons.

"There is me, Lupin," Severus said, and Remus' eyes snapped up to Severus'. "There are my needs."

For a moment, Remus' heart skipped, but then Severus finished speaking. _Oh_. It _was_ just about sex. Remus was getting tired of his heart making leaps even where his head told it not to.

"Are you fucking someone else?"

That was another cause for Remus to still, but a moment later, he pushed his shirt from his shoulders and let it flutter to the ground. He couldn't quite look at Severus for a moment, but then he reminded himself that Severus was the one who hadn't wanted to bring feelings into this, and forced away the guilt.

"You behave enough like a whore when you're with me, I would not be surprised." Severus' eyes traveled over Remus' chest and stomach, and Remus closed the distance between them and pressed his lips and nose against Severus' skin, nuzzling just under his chin.

"I behave how you allow me to behave," he breathed against Severus' skin, curling his fingers into Severus' shirt for a moment before starting to pull it open too. He drew his nose along Severus' jaw, then kissed him. 

Severus had been more experimental since that night before the hols. It was strange, Remus thought, that he somehow felt closer to Severus because of it. Remus was a trusting person, but he wouldn't let just anyone tie him to the top of a desk, spread open, in an empty classroom. Remus wouldn't have even let Peter do that. Mostly because he didn't think Peter would know what to do with Remus once he was tied up. He wouldn't let just anyone fuck him and then bury their face in the crease of his arse to suck the come back out while Remus wanked or put their wand in places wands were not meant to be.

Severus didn't seem to mind the more affectionate touches and stolen kisses, though, so Remus supposed that either the trust was growing both ways, or Severus was just tolerating what he surely saw as Remus' peculiarities.

"The word 'allow' is an interesting one," Severus said.

Remus had been busy pushing Severus' shirt off and drawing his fingers along Severus' sharp collar bones, and it took him a moment to remember the conversation they'd been having. "Is it?"

"You're allowed to do as you wish, Lupin. I simply choose what behaviour I will tolerate." Severus moved to take Remus' wrists and push him back a little.

"And I choose to give you what you want," Remus said.

"Because you're weak. Lie down." Remus obeyed, but he didn't take his eyes off Severus', and once he was settled on the ground, he shook his head. He opened his mouth to reply, but Severus flicked his wand at Remus, and a moment later, Remus was stripped of his remaining clothes and his wrists were bound together above his head. The magical bindings wrapped around his wrists, then between them, so the restraint was tight, then looped around the tree nearest his head.

Nothing bound Remus' legs, and his full cock pulsed with the jolt of want that partial freedom sent through him. He watched Severus strip off, and for the first time this evening noticed that Severus was acting differently tonight. Severus was slowly pulling his trousers open and pushing them off, and Remus couldn't take his eyes off the way Severus was meticulously baring himself for Remus, slowly, inch by inch.

"Not weak," Remus whispered, "I just know what I want."

"Sex," Severus said, lowering himself to the ground and lapping just enough at Remus' cock to make him twist in his bindings a little. They were secure, but not painful, and Remus panted as Severus slid a hand up his stomach and chest.

"No, to know you. However much you would let me."

For the briefest of seconds, an expression akin to anger flashed in Severus' eyes, but then it was gone and Severus was kneeling by his shoulders. He didn't say anything, he just ran his hand over Remus' chest to twist a nipple. Remus gasped and arched into the touch, and then Severus shifted, twisting the pinched skin even more and Severus moved to straddle Remus' shoulders. "God!" Remus panted, feeling a line of sweat break out across his forehead. 

He first thought that Severus was going to suck him while Remus sucked Severus, but then Severus' hips shifted back so that Severus was sitting back on his face. Remus automatically responded and lapped at the tight pucker pressed to his lips. He moved to run his hands over the tops of Severus' thighs and then remembered his bindings and moaned, liking the way Severus' body trapped him against the ground.

"Good wolf," Severus whispered, and Remus could hear a certain strain of weakness in his voice that mean he was enjoying this. "You missed our last meeting," he added. Remus paused slightly, but he could feel Severus start to stroke himself, and Remus closed his eyes and laved his tongue against Severus' hole again. He was rewarded with a mostly repressed shiver that he could feel in Severus' thighs against the sides of his chest. "Did you think that would go unpunished, beast?"

It was Remus' turn to shiver. _Punished?_ "MmmMmm," he hummed, which was all he could do to indicate he didn't expect his absence would go without some punishment, then pressed his tongue inside of Severus. Severus pressed back, his body still moving rhythmically as he stroked himself, and Remus wished he could see it, but was distracted by the feel of something binding itself around the base of his own cock with another wave of Severus' wand.

It was strange, but it sort of felt good too, the way it was just tight enough to trap the blood in his cock. It made him feel bigger, and added to the heady sensation of giving away control to Severus, of trusting someone else to do this to him. He moaned, and Severus sucked in a breath. Remus started to lap at Severus in earnest, licking trails from his perineum to his pucker and driving his tongue inside as deeply as he could go. After a few swipes, Severus was pushing back, moving in little circular patterns over Remus' lips.

Remus couldn't stop lifting his hips, pressing up for friction on his cock that wasn't there, save the teasing band of pressure around his prick. The circular movements of Severus' hips stopped, and he pressed back as hard as he could without hurting Remus. Remus sucked a little around the tight ring of muscle, and then it was clenching against his mouth and Severus' hot come was spilling over Remus' chest and stomach.

The clearing went still for a moment as Remus and Severus both panted to catch their breath, and then Severus was licking the come from Remus' body. He seemed to have acquired a taste for that, though Remus had not been brave enough to share his fantasy yet. Remus nearly blurted it out as Severus slithered down his body, but then Severus spit against his cock, and Remus gasped, "Fuck!"

The come and spit trickling over his prick was friction, at least, but not nearly enough, and Remus whimpered. Severus shifted again and straddled him so that he was facing Remus now, then shifted back and...

Remus' eyes when wide and his jaw fell open as Severus adjusted to position himself over Remus' cock, and then sank down on top of him. Remus cried out, the tight heat surrounding him, and then jerked at his bindings. Severus had never let Remus fuck him before, and Remus suddenly needed to touch Severus if he was was going to be doing this. After the initial shock of lust caused Remus' eyes to flutter shut, Remus had opened them again and couldn't take his eyes off Severus, even as he tried to pull free from the tree. Severus looked perfectly wanton and yet still in complete control the way he was sitting there, and it made Remus want to grab his hips and fuck Severus until his mask fell off. "Severus," he panted, "Please, please, let me touch you."

To Remus' surprise, Severus' lip curled, but he didn't answer. Remus waited a moment for Severus to remove the bond, but he didn't, and Remus gave into his needs, rocking his hips up into Severus. It had been a while since he'd been on the giving end, and the angle was weird, and Remus hoped and prayed that he was going to be good. He worked his hips into a steady movement, as steady as he could with his feet slipping underneath him on the clearing floor.

Soon Severus' face twisted in pleasure and he was pitched forward against Remus by a forceful push of Remus' hips. Severus' fingers curled against Remus' stomach and he moaned. It shot through Remus like an explosion and his hips worked faster, frantically, until he felt his balls tighten... and then the ring around his cock that he'd forgotten was there tightened. And then he was not coming. His whole body suddenly ached with the orgasm he couldn't have and he whimpered, "Severus, Severus, please."

This was his punishment. He'd forgotten. His hips were still moving slowly, and he forced them to stop so he wouldn't make it worse, Severus looked up from where he was still leaning forward, his hair hanging in his face. There was a gleam in his eyes Remus hadn't seen before, and Severus started to move, inching slowly up and down Remus' cock. It was exquisite and agonising at the same time. 

Severus reached up and hooked his finger in Remus' open mouth. Remus sucked automatically.

"Does your other lover fuck you like this, Lupin?"

Remus drew in a sharp breath, a cold wash going through him, followed by a wave of heat because Severus was still moving and Remus was still so close to coming. _God_ , he needed to come!

"My-- my--" Remus stammered. "Please, let me come!" he gasped. "You're so g-- please!"

"Answer my question." Severus licked his lips and kept moving, that tight ring of heat making its way over Remus' cock.

"I don't--"

Severus sat down hard, wrenching a cry from Remus as his body sank quickly over more of his bound cock. "You've been noticeably absent from your little group lately, you smell like someone else's cologne, and you missed our last meeting. Does he fuck you like this?"

Remus clamped his eyes shut. He couldn't watch Severus. Severus was so gorgeous. It didn't matter who was inside of who, Severus had every bit of the power, and if Remus looked at him like this anymore, he might explode with need. "No," he admitted breathlessly. His binding loosened. He moved a little, his breath ragged, and whimpered. "Please."

"Tell me," Severus whispered. "Look at me."

Remus opened his eyes again, and they were full of want as he looked at Severus. "He doesn't do this to me. No one does this to me." Remus' bindings loosened again, and he pushed up into Severus. He could barely breathe. "Please, I need to come. I need to come inside you. I've never let anyone do this to me but you."

That last part did it. Remus' bindings fell away and he surged up into Severus. It only took a couple thrusts before Remus was spasming, feeling like his body was coming apart with the pleasure that swept through him, and then he collapsed in a heap against the ground, panting hard.

It took him some time before he was able to open his eyes, but when he did, Severus was staring down at him. He hadn't moved off Remus, but the gleam was gone from his eyes. Remus' lips parted softly, and he wondered if he should apologise, but then reminded himself this was just about sex for Severus.

_Wasn't it?_

After a moment of shared silence, Severus slipped off Remus and started to dress, then undid the binding around Remus' arms almost as an afterthought. Remus sat up and watched him, rubbing his wrists a little. "I'm... mm, sorry I missed meeting you last time." He didn't get a reply, so eventually Remus stood and brushed himself off, shaking off the evidence of having just had sex on the ground, and sighed. "Are you angry with me?"

"Why would I be?" Severus said, tugging on his trousers.

"You know why," Remus mumbled, but he couldn't meet Severus' gaze as he started to dress himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Severus look at him. He seemed to want to say something, but then just finished what he had been doing. After a moment, Remus saw Severus shake his head. "Don't flatter yourself," he muttered, and headed out of the clearing.

Remus watched him leave and couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever have another "meeting" with Severus again.


	14. Part Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

It was actually a spicy sort of aftershave, not cologne, that Peter used, Remus thought later, that Severus must have smelled. Remus had taken to ambushing Peter after his morning shave, as he'd liked it so much. Although Peter had completely frozen up on him the first time Remus did it, afraid someone might walk in, Peter eventually resigned himself to being near molested in the loo each morning. 

Remus had taken for granted that no one but him would have been able to smell the aftershave lingering on his skin, but Severus had. In fact, Severus had noticed that Remus had been spending more time away from James and Sirius as well. Well, Remus and Peter both had been around less, but Remus doubted Severus paid Peter any mind. Most people didn't.

Remus was starting to get the impression that Severus liked him more than he let on, and he didn't really understand why Severus was resisting so much. In spite of Severus' favourite "insult" being "wolf" or "beast," Severus obviously had no fear of him or any aversion to touching him. And aside from the obvious problem of Remus' friends hating Severus, there was no denying that Remus and Severus were compatible. At least as far as being lovers.

That was another thing. Severus said "other lover." Which implied he thought they were lovers, which Remus thought was a very strange way to describe what he thought he and Severus were to each other: shag pieces.

More surprising than realising all that was that Severus didn't end their meetings. Severus summoned him the next day, and then the day after that... and the day after that. Each time, Severus teased until Remus relented and told him how much better a lover Severus was than Peter (though he never gave Peter's name). In spite of how Remus did enjoy what he had with Peter, it was a true assessment, even if unfair. After a week of these meetings, Remus was amazed his prick wasn't ready to fall off, between Severus and Peter.

He'd finally had to start protesting James and Sirius' plan to get him shagged, because if they succeeded, Remus' prick might really do just that. He wasn't sure he'd know how to explain that to Pomfrey.

Remus slipped into an empty classroom after dinner on the eighth night in a row of Severus' invitations. Sometimes he was sure Severus knew the castle better than even the Marauders did by the way he always knew which classrooms would be empty. He was early, but James and Sirius had dragged Peter away for something, so Remus had just been reading in the corridors anyway. He settled in a chair and flipped open his book, and then the door opened and Severus slipped inside.

"You're early," Remus said.

"Says the werewolf who's already made himself at home." 

Severus shut the door and walked over to where Remus was sitting to draw Remus out of his seat. Remus let the book drop to the floor and just let Severus lead him. He couldn't help smiling, planting soft kisses on Severus' lips that he was certain Severus wouldn't have allowed months before. Severus pressed Remus onto the desk at the front of the classroom and pushed his knees open, leaning against the wood as Remus kissed his jaw, nibbled an ear.

"I've been meaning to ask you something, Severus," Remus whispered against his skin, and Severus just pushed open his shirt and drew his nails down Remus' chest, hard enough to make Remus gasp. Remus wrapped his legs around Severus and locked his ankles to keep Severus from pulling away, and Severus automatically rocked against him.

"You've never required my permission to ask questions before." With a flick of Severus' wand, Remus' ankles were pulled apart again and bound to the legs of the desk. Severus drew his wand along the outside of Remus' trousers, the hard wood pressing into Remus' cock beneath the fabric.

It was difficult for Remus to concentrate when Severus was touching him. Severus roughly pulled Remus' hips forward and and tilted them up, and Remus had to throw his arms back to catch himself so he didn't wind up flat on his back. The wand drew down between Remus' legs to his arse, and Remus felt the lubrication spell inside his trousers. Remus drew a sharp breath and his arms felt a little weak. "Severus," he murmured, his legs automatically pulling at his bindings.

"Forgotten your question already?" Severus tapped his wand and Remus' trousers came open. His pants were drawn down until his cock was exposed, standing proudly out of his pants before Severus. "Beg me to fuck you."

"Why do you resist me?" Remus managed, though his voice was laced with need.

Severus glanced up and met Remus' eyes, but he wrapped his fingers around Remus' cock as he did. "You have an interesting idea of what resistance means." Severus' fingers stroked up to squeeze the head of Remus' cock, almost enough to hurt, but not quite. 

"Gah!" Remus managed, squirming a little. It was amazing how the little bit of lubrication at his entrance could be so exciting, the absence of friction like the promise of more, but the clothes that still mostly covered him felt like restraints in their own way. "I think-- you know what I mean," he said.

"Beg," Severus said, ignoring Remus and stroking his thumb over the head of Remus' cock, smearing the precome over it.

"Fuck me," Remus breathed.

"I didn't say give me orders, wolf." Severus' hand stroked down once again, cradling Remus' balls through his bunched trousers, then lower still to grip his arse.

"Please fuck me," Remus murmured, sliding a bit more toward Severus. "I need you to fuck me."

Severus slid his hands back farther and curled his fingers into the top of Remus' trousers, but the rush of lust he felt was replaced with cold as the next words spoken did not come from Severus.

"Get the fuck off him, Snivellus!"

_Peter._

Remus gasped and struggled against the bindings for a moment, shoving himself back into his trousers quickly before Severus turned around. Remus did a quick spell to untie himself, and then jumped off the desk just in time to grab Severus' wrist to keep him from raising his wand, but when he glanced up, Peter already had his drawn.

He was standing across the room, and as soon as Remus grabbed Severus, the angry line of Peter's brow faded to confusion for a moment.

"Peter," Remus whispered.

Severus wrenched his hand away and glared at Remus, then he threw a hex at Peter that made Peter yelp. Peter raised his wand, the confusion in his gaze melting back into anger, but Remus jumped between them. "Stop!"

"What the fuck are you doing, Moony?!" Peter shouted, his gaze going over Remus' strewn appearance. "What the fuck are you--"

"Your powers of observation are profound, Pettigrew."

This time Remus had to take a stinging hex intended for Severus, and Peter grimaced when it hit, but there was no less anger in his gaze. "Peter, please, calm--"

"Calm down?!" Peter shouted. "Sod you!" He turned and stormed out of the room, slamming it so hard behind him it made Remus' ears ring.

"Fuck," Remus muttered, pulling his zipper up and casting a spell to re-button his shirt. He knew had to go after Peter, because he wasn't exactly sure what Peter might do. And because he knew Peter would not take this well, regardless of his insistance that he wasn't gay and that he was only queer for Remus. Remus' chest seized. Maybe that would make this worse.

By the time Remus turned around, Severus was standing frozen. His gaze was harsh and seemed almost warning.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Remus panted, but that didn't seem to make it any better. In fact, Severus was scowling now. Remus was backing towards the door anyway. "I have to get him, Severus. I'm really sorry." And with that, he turned and bolted from the room.


	15. Part Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

Peter wasn't sure where he was going, but he had to get away from Moony before he hurt him. Merlin help him, he wanted to hurt Moony. How could Remus make him queer and then turn around and fuck _Snivellus_?! It was disgusting, first of all, but second, Remus was _Peter's_. He didn't know when exactly he'd started to think of Remus as his, but apparently he did now. 

He'd never imagined Remus would be the sort of person to suck Peter's cock and tell Peter how wonderful he was, and then go off and fuck someone else too. It was so... un-Remus-like. Remus seemed the sort to want love and all that nonsense attached. Peter had honestly started to warm to the idea of allowing Remus be more to him than just a release. Remus did things to him no one else could do, and he was kind and fun, and in spite of what his mum would think if she ever found out, Peter had overlooked Remus' dirty blood and furry little problem in the past. And that had been before Remus had taken to giving him orgasms that made his toes curl and left him hoarse from screaming! What could Remus possibly see in _Sniv?!_

_At least I'm nice to him! I've never hurt him! I've never called him names!_

_Remus betrayed me._

His feet were moving faster than he remembered telling them to move, but he was still half-inclined to transform into Wormtail so he could move even faster. He'd heard that classroom door open again from the end of the corridor behind him, and he knew Remus was faster than he was, so he pushed himself. He wasn't quite sure where he was going until the grass under his feet told him he'd headed for the grounds. After he was halfway to the lake, he could hear Remus' feet trampling the grass as he ran after Peter.

"Peter!"

"No! Stay the fuck away from me, Moony!" Peter cried. He didn't stop or turn around, and his brows were drawn together so tightly they hurt.

Remus was right behind him now. "Please, stop, Pete," he panted, and reached out to touch Peter's shoulder.

Without thinking, Peter growled and turned on him, then shoved Remus hard. "Don't fucking touch me!"

Remus fell and landed sprawled out on his back in the grass.

 _Fuck._ Peter was so angry he was nearly shaking, but the shocked expression on Remus' face sent a wave of overwhelming guilt through Peter. No one hurt Moony. No one hit Moony. Despite all the angry scuffles that had broken out over the years between the Marauders, no one ever laid a hand on Remus. It was an unspoken rule.

Remus was staring up at Peter with disbelief painted all over his face. The tension in Peter's mouth and brow didn't ease, but his eyes prickled, and he reached out a hand to pull Remus up. "Sorry," he murmured, even if he didn't feel so sorry. Remus eyed the offered hand for a moment before taking it and letting Peter pull him to his feet.

Peter paced away a few feet, then turned back. He felt a little deflated now that he'd shoved Remus when he knew he shouldn't have, but there was still plenty of angry left. "How could you be _fucking Snivellus_?" he demanded in a low voice.

"I just... I just... have been."

"You just have been?! What sort of answer is that?!" Peter shouted, and Remus winced, then glanced around them.

"Shh, Pete, please, let's go somewhere else," Remus pleaded.

Peter glared at him for a moment, then looked around the grounds. A few people were looking their way and Peter viciously wished he'd said the part about fucking Sniv louder. It would serve Remus right. "Where?"

Remus glanced around again and muttered, "Come on," then started back toward the castle. He kept darting glances back at Peter to make sure he was still there, and Peter followed, wishing he didn't still feel so much like hitting Remus again. Once inside the castle, Remus ducked into a hidden passageway, and Peter knew exactly where they were going. There was a room off this passageway, a little one the Marauders had found in fourth year.

When they both got inside and shut the door, Remus turned to look at Peter. "Why were you following me?" he asked.

Peter's jaw fell open. "I wasn't following you! Vance and Evans showed up and Sirius and James left me, and I went to find you and saw you go into that classroom. And then Sniv-- I thought he was going to hurt you!" he yelled. Peter had to clamp down on his anger all of a sudden because it was threatening to dissolve into tears. James and Sirius had their birds, and Remus, who was supposed to be Peter's Remus, was off messing about with Snape! Peter didn't really have anyone, did he? He looked up to see Remus staring at him as if he didn't know what to say. "How long?" he demanded, trying to force the unexpected hurt aside.

Remus shook his head, but answered anyway. "A while."

"A while?! Longer than you and me have..?"

Remus grimaced, and Peter knew the answer was yes, even without Remus saying it. 

"Why does it matter?" Remus asked.

"Because of me! Because I let you-- you're with _me_!" Peter said, feeling awkward and angry and hurt all at the same time.

Remus glanced up, looking a little desperate, but Peter couldn't tell if Remus was confused or worried. "With you? You said, Pete. You said 'mutually beneficial.' I didn't think you _wanted_ to be with me."

"I know what I said, but now things are different and you're mine. You can't be his if you're mine," Peter snapped, keeping a surly gaze on Remus.

He watched Remus for a moment, seeing the way Remus' expression changed, the confusion replaced slowly with lines that looked akin to mild outrage. "Hang on a moment, Peter," Remus finally said. "I'm not your personal property. I was only playing by your rules!"

"Rules have changed," Peter snapped.

"Unless you tell me that, I can't be held accountable for breaking them!" Remus turned and paced a few steps, then looked back at Peter; Peter watched him from across the room, chewing viciously at his thumb nail. 

"I wanted more, Peter, but you were the one who didn't. You said you're not even gay!"

"I'm not! I'm only queer fo--"

"For me," Remus finished for him, shaking his head. "Merlin, at least Severus isn't afraid of being queer," he muttered.

Peter's mouth fell open, and his rage was suddenly back. How dare Remus compare him to Snivellus, like Snivellus was better than him?! If there was one person in this entire bloody school that Peter knew he was better than, it was Snape! "I could be a better queer than Sniv," he said through clenched teeth.

Remus snorted, and Peter's brows ached with how tight they went. He stalked across the room toward Remus. "I could! Was his mouth just on you?"

Remus' eyes went wide when Peter started to pull open his trousers. "No, Pe--"

"Good," Peter replied savagely, then dropped to his knees, tugging Remus' trousers open and pulling down his pants. Remus' prick wasn't hard, but he was certain he could fix that, and he took the soft member into his mouth.

"Peter, this isn't--"

When Remus reached down to stop Peter, Peter swatted his hand away, shutting him up. "Nngh!" he mouthed around Remus' prick angrily, started to suck. Remus' breath had gone shaky, and he was still trying to protest, but he wasn't managing to get out coherent sentences and he wasn't pulling away, so Peter ignored all that. He focused on the way Remus' cock didn't feel so threatening when it was small like this, and how it was actually sort of amazing the way it started slowly filling with each swipe of Peter's tongue.

There was that lovely powerful feeling again, making its way through his anger as Remus' cock swelled in his mouth. It didn't feel so dangerous to take Remus in deeper than he had in the past, once he had closed his mouth over Remus' prick entirely when it had been limp. After a moment, Remus' fingers fisted themselves in Peter's hair, and it felt like another victory.

"You're mad," Remus murmured, and Peter reminded himself to breathe through his nose. He took Remus in as deeply as he could manage without choking. "Ohhhh, fuck, Pete... this won't... fix... anything."

Peter frowned more, but dipped his head again, tracing the vein that ran along the underside of Remus' cock with his tongue and feeling his saliva go all sticky with Remus' precome. _It will fix it. You're mine_ , he thought, then flicked his tongue at Remus' slit, mimicking something Remus did to him.

Remus gasped and jerked his hips, and for a moment, Peter thought he might fall, but then Remus just widened his stance. That made him a little lower, which made it easier for Peter to suck, and he cupped Remus' balls like Remus did to him a lot, hoping he wasn't too clumsy or hard with his grip. God, he was really sucking Remus' prick! It might have excited him, if he wasn't still so angry. _I'm better than Snivellus. You want me_ , he thought at Remus, and then Remus' balls were tightening, and Peter made a face at what he knew was coming.

"Pete!" Remus warned, but Peter made himself take it, hot come shooting into his mouth. He coughed and pulled away too soon though, Remus' release dribbling down his chin as he sputtered. He was sure it wasn't normal to like the way that felt, so he didn't, even if he did. He debated whether or not to swallow. Remus always swallowed. Peter couldn't. He spat and then wiped his chin.

When he glanced back up, Remus was sprawled out on the little camp bed in the corner of the room with his eyes closed. He hadn't bothered to cover himself, and a small smile was tugging his lips. Peter glowered at him, and after a moment, Remus opened his eyes again. His grin went wider and more affectionate. "You can't expect me to keep fighting with you now, can you?"

"No more fucking Snivellus," Peter demanded.

Remus' smile slid off. "Pete."

"Don't _Pete_ me. I don't want you fucking him when you're fucking me." A jolt of something went through Peter at that, because he and Remus hadn't actually fucked yet, but he ignored it. "He's probably one of them, you know. He believes all that Pureblood shite," Peter said, ignoring the tiny voice inside him that reminded him that he did too. Mostly, anyway. Remus could be an exception. "He'd turn on his own friends, if he had any. Actually, he did! You heard what he called Evans!"

_Remus sat up, frowning. "He's all talk, Pete, honestly, and Evans could have tried a bit harder with him. She was trying not to laugh at the way James and Sirius were torturing him."_

_It was funny_ , Peter thought, but thankfully swallowed the words before they slipped out. 

"You saw how he was after he said it, the way he begged her to forgive him," Remus continued. 

"I don't care. He's one of them." 

"He doesn't have the Mark," Remus countered. 

"And Glamours aren't that difficult," Peter snarled. "Anyway, I want you. I want you, and he can't have you. He doesn't deserve you." 

Remus turned his gaze on Peter again, looking as though he wasn't sure what to say, which must have been the case, because he didn't speak for a long time. Then finally, after the silence started to drag out, he said, "You want me. Not just like a dirty secret, you actually want me." 

It was a question, even if Remus hadn't stated it that way. Peter could tell Remus wanted him to confirm the statement, anyway. Peter set his jaw and looked at Remus, then just nodded. To his amazement, a small smile reappeared on Remus' face, and a moment later, he reached down to tug Peter onto the camp bed and pull Peter against him. 

Peter complied and wrapped his arms around Remus, while Remus stroked his hair. He felt a little better, but he was still frowning, and he couldn't help but wonder how Snape was going to react. Would Snape somehow convince Remus to keep shagging him? Could Snape convince Remus to lie to Peter? 

After a while, his thoughts left Snape, and he started to think about the way Remus was holding him, the way Remus was soothing away most of his anger right now, and how nice it felt. "Did you know being a shirt lifter is a mental illness?" he asked after a while, hating how small his voice went. 

Remus' hand paused for a moment, then resumed its gentle touches. "It isn't anymore. They used to think that, but not anymore," he murmured, and kissed the top of Peter's head. 


	16. Part Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

There were at least a half a dozen reasons that Remus could think of to explain why Severus might have not come to meet Remus, when Remus sent his note two days later. None of them he particularly liked, but he supposed there was no avoiding that. 

He'd specifically not given Peter a yes or no answer about whether or not he consented to be 'Peter's' the afternoon Peter had caught him and Severus and then made his desires known. There was far too much that needed to be discussed and settled, and Remus had been intending to try once again to get Severus to talk to him about it, before just chucking him. He did like Severus and he was more and more certain Severus liked him. But then, he liked Peter too. As indignant as Remus might have initially been at Peter's reaction and claiming of him, he knew Peter. He knew that was really the sort of reaction he should have expected, especially given the object of Remus' other secret desires. He expected the anger and the petulance, but it hit him that night that Peter had fallen for him, perhaps even unbeknownst to Peter. Peter wanted him so much that he was willing to face up to his "mental illness." Peter was so confused and fragile in a way he didn't let on, and Remus felt an obligation to protect him, now that he had sort of started this whole thing.

Peter said he wanted to be with Remus, which was something Remus had wanted in the first place, from both Peter and Severus, and something Severus staunchly refused to give him.

Still, it felt unfair to simply chuck Severus without giving him one last shot to have more, and without also clearing up what "having" Remus would really mean for Peter. Severus was first. Remus waited for a half an hour in the empty classroom before giving up on Severus showing up, and then gone about with the rest of his day.

He went to Herbology, then sat with his friends during supper. Peter was quieter than usual, but he had been since they'd lain together on that little camp bed off the passageway. It wasn't a gloomy silence though, and he was sitting next to Remus and smiling more, so Remus didn't think much on it. It wasn't until after they got back to the dormitory that rumours started to hit their ears. The Marauders had listened with barely contained excitement at the rumours while Remus tried not to turn green.

_Someone finally tried to rid us of Snape for good._

_Wanker, serves him right._

_Said they had to rush him to hospital wing. Lost so much blood._

_What'd he do this time?_

_What's he have to do he hasn't done already? Little greaseball._

_Summoned his wand and snapped it right in half. Someone should have done it ages ago._

Remus thought he might faint, but he had to hold himself together. He wandered up to the dorm and flopped in bed, staring at the ceiling, just to be away from all the gossip in the common room. Severus had a lot more enemies than he did friends, and it wasn't as though he'd never had his life threatened before, but Remus still couldn't understand the sort of inner hate someone had to have to inflict someone with so much pain.

He glanced at Sirius' bed.

Then Peter's.

No. Peter had motive, recent motive, and Peter had anger... but Peter was also highly fearful, and Severus could be frightening. Peter was no match for Severus, and even if Peter had a nasty streak, it wasn't anywhere near as long as Sirius'.

Remus decided not to consider it any longer. Instead, he lay there for a long time, and then pushed off the bed, and slipped out of the common room, heading towards the hospital wing. He took the winding staircases until he reached the right floor, then quietly moved towards the end of the corridor. The halls were mostly empty at this time of night, so his footsteps echoed on the stone floor, but then a door was flung open, and a resounding " _SOD YOU, SNAPE_!" reverberated off the walls.

Remus froze in his tracks as Lily stepped out of the hospital wing and slammed the door.

Damn it. Remus knew right away that he was going to have to detour. "Shining example, Head Girl," he said, but she looked like she was fuming.

"Where are you going?" she snapped.

"Left my book in Muggle Studies, I think. Just going to check."

"Wrong answer," she said, and Remus blinked at her until she finished. "You're going to the kitchens with me for chocolate pudding and sympathy, the latter to be provided by you."

Remus blinked again, but after a moment, a smile broke on his face. "Well, you did say the magic word."

 

 

It was nearly two hours later that Lily finally let him go. They didn't really talk about Severus, save for her telling Remus that Ollivander had already been up about getting Severus a new wand, but Lily didn't say much about her old friend anymore, anyway. Remus didn't push either, because where Lily and Severus were concerned, Remus still harboured some resentment toward her after the way she'd just left Severus begging forgiveness outside their common room.

He went back to the dorm for a while, just long enough that no one would suspect he was up to anything, then excused himself to go do rounds. He didn't really have rounds tonight. He knew none of his friends would check that, though.

It wasn't long before he'd traveled the same staircases as before, and was heading down the same corridor. This time, the hospital ward was dark. Remus slipped inside and peeked silently around privacy curtains until he found Severus' bed, then slipped behind them.

"Severus?" he breathed.

Severus cracked an eye open to look at him. He obviously hadn't been asleep. "Had no idea I was quite this irresistible to you," he murmured.

Remus could hear the slowness in Severus' normally snappish cadence. It was inviting, but Remus wondered if it was sleepiness or medication that caused it. Severus looked pale, but otherwise much better than Remus expected. But then, having been under Pomfrey's care many times since entering school, he knew he should have expected Severus to look better than what rumour stated.

"You didn't? You should have had some inkling," Remus whispered, then perched in a stool next to Severus' bed. Severus just stared at him. "What happened?"

Severus arched a brow.

"Who did this?" Remus pressed.

This time Severus closed his eyes and resituated on his bed. "Never saw it coming," he said, then grumbled, "Cowards. Probably your lot."

"When have they ever hid their faces from you while they hexed you?"

That single eyebrow rose again in acknowledgment, then fell, and Severus held out his hand to Remus without opening his eyes. Remus stared at it for a moment, and then took it. _Severus was holding his hand_?! Remus' heart did a dance in his chest, but then Severus just pulled Remus' hand under his covers and over his already hard cock.

"This isn't why I came. I wanted to talk."

"If you insist on talking, I insist on getting off." Severus opened his eyes and fixed Remus with an expectant gaze. "I'm sick."

Remus stared at him again, and then sighed, and pulled up Severus' hospital gown. He tugged down Severus' pants and leaned over to spit against the head of Severus' cock. After working the saliva down over his shaft, Remus spit again for good measure and started to stroke. Severus sighed and laced his fingers behind his head.

"I told you before that I like you," Remus said. Severus licked his lips. "I really do, Severus. I think you like me more than you want me to think, too." Remus slid his hand up Severus, circling his thumb over the head of Severus' cock, and Severus rocked his hips into the rhythm Remus was beginning to build, then winced.

"Are you okay?" Remus whispered.

"Yes," Severus said quickly. Remus resumed stroking and Severus drew in a deep breath. "Must we go over this again, wolf?"

Remus pursed his lips. He wished they were having this conversation a different way, but then he just leaned down and licked the head of Severus' cock. Severus' hips jerked, and Remus left more spit dripping over Severus' now glistening prick. Remus twisted his wrist and Severus arched again. Remus' fingers traveled over the heated flesh, squeezing the head, then loosening his grip so that it brushed against the slick skin feather soft.

"I want more."

Severus bit his lips and tried to control his breath, fisting his fingers in the sheets, and then he was rocking against Remus' palm again.

"My... other..."

Severus' rhythm faltered, but Remus squeezed his hand and dipped down to drag the flat of his tongue over Severus again. Severus gasped and resumed his thrusting. 

"He... wants me. I want--" Remus broke off for a minute when Severus looked at him suddenly, brows drawn, and curled his fingers into Remus' shirt. 

"I need you to-- Is this all you want?" Remus finally stammered, but Severus was pulling him closer until their lips touched. Remus dipped his tongue into Severus' mouth as his hand worked steadily, and Severus made a little noise against his lips before Remus felt his body tighten. Severus held him in the kiss until he was spent. He collapsed against the mattress, panting, and rolled his head away.

Remus wasn't sure what to think, so he pulled back just enough to do a cleaning charm on Severus and his hand, and watched Severus. After a few moments, Severus shifted and pulled the sheets over himself again. "He can have you."

 

 

Remus could still feel the tingly sensation on his hand from the friction of Severus' cock when he slipped into Peter's bed that night, though the sting of Severus' words had gone numb almost immediately. Peter's eyes went a little wide, but he scooted over for Remus anyway. Remus wrapped his arms around Peter, and Peter, as usual, hesitated before returning the gesture.

"Pete?"

"Yeah?"

Remus frowned, but asked anyway. "You didn't do that to Severus, did you?"

There was a long silence, and Remus went cold, then he pulled back to see Peter scowling at him.

" _Pete_."

"Whoever did that almost killed him!" Peter hissed. "You think I would do that?!"

Remus blinked at Peter for a moment. Well, Sirius had nearly killed Severus, but Remus still couldn't imagine Peter attacking Severus on his own, or inflicting that much damage. Or doing it all without Severus ever seeing him. Peter was clumsy most of the time. Remus' lips parted, then he shut them again and shook his head.

Peter's scowl faded just a bit, and after a moment, Remus snuggled up to Peter again, tucking his head under Peter's jaw. The tense lines of Peter's body faded after a while, and then Peter's hand was moving lower, over Remus' hip to his arse.

"Pete... can we just... do _this_ tonight?"

Peter didn't say anything, but he eventually moved his hand higher, and Remus snuggled against him and closed his eyes.


	17. Part Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in 7th year.

It was with a sudden seizing terror that Remus woke up in a tangle of limbs.

"Oi, Moony!"

Remus jerked awake, then a soft mass shifted under him. A warm, moist hand pressed to his mouth, and he looked up to see Peter's expression was as alarmed as his own.

James and Sirius were up and looking for him, their feet plodding heavily across the floor. The next bed over, Remus heard his curtains pulled aside. "Time to get--! oh."

"Must've gone down without us," James said.

There was a pause, and Remus' heart hammered in his chest, waiting for them to come to Peter's bed and expose them. Finally, Sirius muttered, "Wormy's probably with him."

"When's he not lately?" James asked, and the footfall grew softer until it was out of the room.

"Merlin," Remus breathed when Peter withdrew his hand. He wanted to tell James and Sirius, but discovering Remus curled up against Peter was probably not the best way for their friends to find out.

Peter still looked worried. Remus reached up and smoothed back his fringe. "Good morning," he whispered. "I must have fallen asleep." Remus' stomach fell suddenly at the memory of how he wound up here last night. He'd just sort of numbly accepted Severus' rejection last night, and it had been nice to let Peter hold him, like he had held Peter before, but he suddenly realised as he looked at Peter that his relationship with Severus was over. Completely. And the way Severus had just dismissed Remus' implicit offer of more stung all of a sudden in the morning light.

"What's wrong?" Peter asked, and Remus realised his expression must have gone a bit off.

Remus shook his head and pulled his smile back on. "I just thought that they were going to find us like this, is all."

"God, I know. That would have been horrible."

Remus frowned, and Peter caught it and let his eyes fall to the mattress. "Horrible?" Remus sighed and rolled onto his back, closing his eyes. "You said you wanted me for more than just having one off," Remus muttered.

"I do. I do, Moony," Peter whispered. "I'm just..."

Remus waited a few moments before looking up at Peter, whose face had gone anxious. 

"I'mjustscared," Peter blurted, almost so quietly that Remus had a hard time hearing him.

Remus sat up enough to kiss Peter, and then pressed him back into the bed. For a moment, he had to force away the memory of the way Severus had kissed him the night before, _really_ kissed him, and then just rolled his head to the side and tossed Remus. He drew out the kiss, focusing instead on the slightly off-rhythm swipe of Peter's tongue from how he was still just waking up, and the softness of the body beneath his, which was anything but similar to Severus' sharp angles. When he pulled back, Peter looked expectant, but dubious, and Remus wasn't really sure what that meant. He almost looked as if he were wanting direction, rather than soothing.

"You don't have to be scared with me. You've known me seven years." He stroked a hand over Peter's cheek. "I just... I just don't want to hide this from James and Sirius, okay? We don't have to tell everyone. And James and Sirius won't care."

"What if they--"

"I'll stop them. If they have a problem with it, I'll fix it."

Peter snorted. "Right, the all-powerful Moony. Because they listen to you so well. You never stopped them making fun of me before."

Remus frowned, then chewed his lip a little, letting his hand drop from Peter's face. It was true. He hadn't ever stopped the other Marauders teasing of Peter, even as he watched it take its toll over the years, but he just kept thinking it would be better if Peter were the one to stop it. "I didn't think you'd want me to." When Peter frowned, Remus added, "I didn't want you to think I thought you couldn't take care of yourself."

Peter's frown tightened in confusion for the briefest of moments, but then his expression shifted into one of pleased surprise. After a moment, Remus' lips curled a bit at the way Peter's entire face had brightened.

"Merlin, Moony, when I saw you and..." Peter's expression went muddled again, and he worried a lip, then seemed to shake it off and looked back at Remus. "I... I'd do anything for you to be just mine. Is Sni--Se--Snape--? Mmm."

Remus frowned again. "What?"

Peter shook his head. "You haven't said if he... you and..."

Remus looked at Peter for a moment, realising that Peter had cottoned onto his avoidance of saying specifically whether or not he would end things with Severus. Remus lifted his hand to resume stroking Peter's cheek, then ducked his head to kiss Peter, his lips parting Peter's thinner ones in several languid kisses. "If you want me, you can have me, but if you want me with strings attached, then I have my own strings, and I won't be just your dirty little secret."

Peter stared at Remus, his eyes darting nervously between Remus' for a moment, and Remus wildly wondered if he was going to change his mind. But then Peter swallowed hard, and nodded. "I... um. W-we can tell them."

If wasn't as confident as Remus might have wanted it to be, but he nodded and kissed Peter again, sifting his fingers through Peter's hair.

 

 

James and Sirius exchanged glances when Remus told them he and Peter were together, but they didn't look surprised. Peter had agreed that they could tell them that Peter was with Remus, _not_ that he was queer, and Remus wondered if Peter really did believe that he was only gay for Remus. 

Sirius got his fill of calling them both nancys, for which Remus kicked him several times, harder each time Peter's face got redder until Sirius yelped and relented and slapped a surly looking Peter on the back. Which was good because Remus was going to start hexing him next.

After dinner, Remus spent some time actually doing Runes homework, and when the room was settled in silence, he pulled the covers over himself to sleep. It didn't come, though. He couldn't help that bubbling feeling of happiness in him. Peter wasn't perfect, but Remus liked Peter and Peter was trying to make an honest go of a relationship, even if he seemed to keep having little stutter starts and spasms of fear. Peter knew what he was and liked him anyway, and now their friends knew.

Remus waited for as long as he could before pushing out of bed, but he was cut short by the sound of Peter walking over to his bed instead. Peter slipped inside and Remus automatically cast a silencing charm.

"Told you they'd laugh," Peter said, his tone unnecessarily hushed.

"Told you I'd stop them." 

Remus kissed Peter and pulled him close, and Peter kissed back, sliding his arms around Remus' waist. Remus' fingers were in Peter's hair, and stroking his side, crawling up under Peter's shirt in a way that always made Peter squirm. Peter drew a sharp, soft breath and returned the gentle touches, his kisses growing hungry against Remus' lips. He pulled back, panting a little, just far enough away to whisper, "You could... tie me up... if you want."

Remus froze for a second, and then pulled back to look at Peter. Even in the darkness, Remus could tell there was colour in his cheeks. "Why?" he asked.

Peter bit his lip. "Mmn. You... Sniv is... he's still al-- I don't want you to go back... and you were tied... your ankles... when I walked in..." He stammered.

Remus' brows drew together. "I'm not going to go back, not now, so long as you keep trying."

Peter nodded, but only looked a little less worried. "I don't... I don't want you to lose interest."

Remus kissed Peter, feeling slightly bad that Peter was worried that Remus might get bored and leave, but also feeling like it was probably a good thing to push Peter out of his comfort zone a bit, or he might never leave it. Remus had been trying to be patient, but ever since Severus had let him inside him, all Remus had wanted when he was alone with Peter was to drive into him. He refrained, though, because he didn't think Peter was ready. "Do you _want_ me to tie you up?"

"I want to do whatever you did with him."

After a moment, Remus nodded, and started to divest them of their clothes. Once they were both naked, Remus rolled Peter onto his back and crawled down the bed to kneel between Peter's knees. "You sure?" he asked, and Peter nodded. A moment later, Peter's hands and feet were bound to the bedposts, and he squirmed a little and jerked at the bindings. Remus could see his chest rising and falling rapidly. He ducked his head to kiss Peter's knee. He licked a trail up Peter's thigh, the backs of his fingers stroking between Peter's legs. Peter gasped and jerked again, and Remus hoped the silencing charm extended to the bedposts.

"Moony!" Peter gasped, and Remus' head jerked up at the tone. Peter was pulling the bindings around his arms taut. "I don't think I like this very much," he whispered urgently, and in a second the bindings were gone.

Remus held a sigh, but didn't say anything. He only crawled up Peter's body to kiss him. "It's okay. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do," he assured Peter, then a thought occurred to him. He kissed Peter again, smoothing his hands down Peter's stomach. "Do you want to tie _me_ up?"

Peter drew a breath but just let Remus kiss his throat for a moment. "Do you want me to?"

Remus nodded, then rolled off to Peter's side, stretching out on his back and grinning at Peter. Peter looked at him for a moment, smiling, and then letting the smile slip off, then smiling again, as if he wasn't sure he should like the idea. Remus nudged him and Peter moved between Remus' knees. 

It was a little surprising that Peter knew the spell to bind Remus to the bed, but Remus squirmed happily at the restraint, biting his lip and looking down at Peter from under his lashes.

"What should I do?" Peter asked.

"Whatever you want," Remus breathed, but when Peter didn't move, he added, "You could suck me, or touch me like I touch you sometimes. You could tease me, or... put your wand inside of me."

Peter's eyes went wide. "Merlin, in your _arse_?"

"Or... my prick," Remus murmured, then wondered if it was safe to suggest that to someone with no clue what they were doing. Peter's jaw fell open though, so Remus wasn't too worried about him trying it.

" _Oh my God_ ," Peter breathed, but now Remus couldn't read the expression on his face. He still looked unsure, but his eyes were roaming the way Remus' body was spread out before him, open and at Peter's will. "What did he do?"

Remus pursed his lips and shifted, his hips lifting in need without his thinking. He didn't answer, though, and after a moment, Peter amended, "What do you want me to do?"

"I want... I want you to come on my face," Remus said, which was tamer than what he really wanted, but Remus watched Peter blush anyway.

"You'd like that?" Peter said, sounding disbelieving.

Remus nodded. "Come here," he said, and jerked his head up to indicate he wanted Peter to move up the bed. Peter obeyed, and when he was close enough, straddling Remus' chest, Remus looked up at him. "I want you to fuck my mouth and come on my face," he said.

" _Oh God_ ," Peter said, his breath shaky, but Remus just opened his mouth, sliding his tongue out over his lower lip and closing his eyes, silently begging. Peter's breath went ragged, but a moment later, Remus felt the head of Peter's cock against his tongue.

"Moony," Peter whispered, and kept moving forward, and Remus hummed his approval around Peter's cock as it slid into his mouth. He did his best to bob his head over Peter's cock from this strange angle once Peter was as deep as he could go, sucking and tracing shapes against Peter's skin with his tongue. Peter moaned, and Remus heard him grip the headboard above him. "I won't hurt you?" Peter whispered.

Remus shook his head and Peter started to move, slowly at first, but Remus encouraged him by moaning around his prick, his breath going heavy through his nose. Merlin, Peter was doing this! Peter was thrusting into his mouth! Remus squirmed, wishing he could touch himself and loving how it teased and excited him that he couldn't. He moaned again, and Peter's hips jerked forward, sending a jolt of lust through Remus.

His fingers curled into fists where they were tied, trying to keep himself from jerking at the ties in need, and soon Peter's thrusts were growing faster. Remus whimpered around him, each noise cut off with each down stroke of Peter's cock against the back of his throat. Peter's fingers curled in Remus' hair, holding hims still, and then Peter was groaning, "''r'ou sure?"

"Mmmhmm," Remus whimpered. Peter pulled out, fisting himself in Remus' face until he came, moaning as milky release spilled and clung to Remus' lashes and cheeks. "Touch me," he begged when Peter was through, and Peter reached back and curled his fingers around Remus. Remus bit his lip, focusing on the way Peter's come dribbled down to his lips, and he licked it off, his body spasming with release at the taste and the feel of Peter's hand on him.

He fell back against the bed panting, and Peter stayed where he was for a few moments before sliding off to Remus' side. "Merlin, Moony, you must really _like_ being queer," he whispered.

Remus choked out a laugh, squirming at how he was still restrained, spread open. "I do," he panted, his eyes still closed under the mask of thick fluid (Peter would eventually learn where not to aim, he hoped). "God, Pete. I like you."

"I like you too," Peter breathed.

"If you keep me like this, I might be ready to go again in a bit."

Peter was quiet for a moment, then Remus felt Peter trail a finger along his stomach. "Do you want to?"

Remus laughed again. "I wouldn't mind... but could you wipe my eyes?"

Remus felt Peter shift to look, and then Peter laughed too. "I suppose I could."


	18. Part Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set at the tail end of 7th year.

For a while, Remus' daily life felt like it had a giant void in it, an empty spot that had been occupied by Severus for over a year. But, eventually, Remus learned to stop looking for him in the corridors and stop watching the way he brewed in potions class. It wasn't the same with Peter at all, which wasn't bad, and he'd gotten what he'd been wanting all along, but he missed Severus still. 

It was nice, though, to have a real relationship, and Peter was warming up now that their friends knew and didn't seem to care.

N.E.W.T.s were looming just next week, and there was a funny sort of silence that had settled in the common room and in the dorms. Everyone was studying, or worrying about the exams, and Peter wasn't any exception. He and Remus had been going over and over the subjects that Peter had the most trouble with, but two days before exams started, Remus wandered into the dorm just in time to see Peter chuck his Herbology text across the room.

Remus blinked for a moment, and then leaned against the door frame. "What did Phyllida Spore ever do to you?" he asked.

"Who's Phylidia Spore?" Peter replied, frowning.

"Phyllida," Remus corrected. "The person who wrote our text."

"You know her name, Moony?" Peter asked, his frown slipping off a moment to be replaced with something that looked somewhere between surprise and exasperation. "Is there any part of your books you haven't read?"

Remus laughed and shrugged. "I just thought it was a funny name for a Herbologist, you know. _Spore_."

Peter shook his head and rolled his eyes, and then the frown settled on his face again. "Useless. I'm going to fail," Peter grumbled. "I'll wind up working at a Muggle grocery."

"Nothing wrong with that," Remus said.

Peter snorted, but didn't reply, and Remus frowned for a moment. He glanced at the door to the dormitory and drew his wand, casting a quick locking spell, and then climbed onto Peter's bed, slipping in behind Peter and straddling him. "You need to relax," he whispered, kissing the back of Peter's neck. He gripped Peter's shoulders and started to squeeze, kneading the tense muscles under his fingertips.

"How can I? I should be studying," Peter said miserably.

Remus nosed Peter's hair for a moment. "You can study too hard, you know."

Peter snorted again. "We've been trying to tell you that for years, and you decide to listen now? Now, when our entire future is resting on some test we have to take in two days?!"

"I just mean that you're not going to learn anything if you're too busy being worried about learning it." Remus curled his fingers around the collar of Peter's shirt, but Peter didn't lift his arms to let Remus undress him until Remus assured him that the door was locked.

Remus pulled Peter's shirt up, then tossed it aside and ran his hands along Peter's back, nudging Peter to lean forward a little so he could reach even the lower parts of Peter's back better. His thumbs pressed firmly into Peter, and after a moment, Peter groaned and relaxed visibly. "This is not going to help me pass N.E.W.T.s," he said anyway.

"It'll relax you enough so you can study more effectively." Remus scattered a few more kisses across Peter's shoulder blades and nuzzled his skin. Peter reached back and curled his fingers around Remus' thighs. 

He went silent for a bit, letting Remus' hands work over him, feeling a few knots come undone along his spine. Remus wondered how it was possible for a seventeen year old boy to be this tense. It was like years worth of tightness had worked into Peter's muscles. 

"Did you do this for him?" Peter mumbled.

Remus held a sigh, because it seemed like every new intimate thing they did, Peter wanted to see if Remus had done it with Severus, like he was keeping score. "No," Remus replied, his tone curt enough to stop any more questions about Severus without hurting Peter's feelings.

After a few minutes passed, Peter drew a deep breath and his hips shifted against Remus, then Peter leaned back against his chest, dropping his head back to Remus' shoulder. Peter rolled his head to the side to expose his neck, and Remus grinned at how much more subtle Peter was getting. 

Well, not that this was particularly subtle, but it was better than "Would you kiss me here?" Remus slid his hands over Peter's chest and ducked his head to kiss Peter's neck.

"How about you distract rather than relax?" Peter suggested, squirming a little against Remus until Remus was growing excited.

Remus' hands moved down, over Peter's fleshy stomach to press against the front of Peter's trousers. Peter squirmed again, and Remus pressed up against him from behind, his hand rubbing over the hardening bulge in the front of Peter's trousers. "You don't think this is relaxing?" he murmured, pivoting his hips a little. God, they'd been messing around so long, and Remus kept fighting the urge to ask for sex, but with Peter's arse pressed against his cock, it was unavoidable that he wanted it yet again.

He checked the lock charm on the door quickly, and then banished their clothes, which made Peter gasp and tense (he didn't like being tied up, and he didn't like surprises, Remus had noticed), but a moment later he relaxed again when Remus curled his hand around Peter's prick.

"You sure it's a good spell?"

"Yes, no one will come in," Remus promised, and Peter tried to reply, but the words turned into a breathy sound of want. Remus' fingers squeezed and pulled and Peter squirmed, rocking his hips in a sort of opposite rhythm, thrusting into Remus' hand as it moved down him and pulling back as Remus drew his hand up. Each time it sent a fresh wave of need through Remus and his cock slid against the cleft of Peter's arse. "God, Peter," he whispered, his lips kissing across Peter's throat to his ear, where he sucked the lobe into his mouth and nibbled.

Peter either didn't notice the way Remus' cock was so close to his entrance, or he didn't care. "You smell good," Remus murmured, expecting Peter to say something about how Remus still insisted on cornering him after his morning shave each day, but all Peter could manage was an "Ungh."

Remus nipped his ear a little harder, his hand still working over Peter, Peter's breath coming hard against his shoulder. Remus' stomach flipped before he spoke, wondering if Peter would respond or run away, when he whispered, "I want to have sex with you," because he thought I want to _fuck_ you would be more likely to cause the latter.

Peter gasped and his rhythm faltered against Remus' hand, but Remus kept stroking, changing his speed to match Peter's new one.

"You-- you," Peter managed.

"I want you," Remus repeated.

"I don't know ho-- does it hurt?" Peter asked, and Remus lifted his head to look at him.

He hadn't expected anything more than a refusal on his first mention of it, but Peter was looking at him, his gaze earnest, through his mild alarm.

Remus shook his head. "Not if you relax. And I'll be careful. You've had three of my fingers in you before, so it's no worse than that."

Peter's mouth fell open slightly. "Three?" he whispered, and Remus blushed, realising he'd been preparing Peter for this longer than Peter realised. He nodded, and Peter moved to turn and face him. He looked flushed and he was panting slightly, and Remus couldn't tell what exactly the expression on his face meant, but after staring at Remus for a few moments, Peter nodded.

Remus kissed him hard, sifting his fingers into Peter's hair and pulling him onto the mattress fully as Remus moved back on it himself. Once they were settled, Remus rolled then so that Peter was under him and rocked his hips against Peter, their cocks sliding against one another. Peter groaned and arched back against the mattress and Remus shifted down until he was between Peter's legs.

He watched Peter carefully for any sign that he was distressed, and gently guided Peter's knees up. "Tell me if you want me to stop," he whispered, and did the charms to lubricate Peter. Remus slid an finger inside and watched the way Peter's face twisted at the invasion. Merlin, it was amazing to get to see Peter like this. They'd done this on numerous occasions, but it never ceased to amaze Remus that he was allowed to do it.

He ducked down and took Peter's cock in his mouth, sucking lightly as he slipped another finger inside. He crooked them at Peter's prostate and Peter gasped and squirmed. For all his reservations about full sex, Peter always seemed to enjoy this, and Remus made certain to circle that little spot inside Peter each time he slid his fingers inside. His lips moved laguidly, not wanting to bring Peter off like this, but wanting to keep him happy and not thinking about the way Remus' cock was now aching to be inside the tight heat his fingers were surrounded in.

"Moony," Peter whimpered, "Moony." He gripped Remus' hair, and Remus slid another finger inside, which caused Peter to make a strangled noise, but Remus noticed the way he lifted his hips to meet the slow press inside. Remus hummed around Peter's prick, hungry for more and enjoying the way Peter was slowly, over the months, learning to bend to him.

"Oh!" Peter gasped, and Remus pulled off his cock, sliding up Peter's body to kiss him with want and need and hunger. Peter clutched at him and Remus slid his now awkwardly-angled fingers out of Peter and pressed his cock against Peter's entrance. Peter sucked in a sharp breath and held it, and Remus took a moment to kiss over his neck and jaw, trying to sooth the nerves, which seemed to work. A moment later, Peter was panting again and reaching down to squeeze Remus' arse.

Remus licked his lips and pressed inside, sinking slowly in until his hips met Peter's arse. Peter made the most amazing noise Remus had ever heard him make - this sort of cry and moan and whimper all at the same time. Remus stared down at his face, the way his lower lip was trapped in his teeth and his eyes were clamped shut, and Merlin, he was inside Peter, wasn't he?!

"Remus-- you're-- so-- Rem--"

"You're so sexy." Remus breathed, not thinking.

Peter opened his eyes and his lips parted, though he still looked a little like Remus' cock might split him in two. He opened his mouth wider to speak, but nothing came out, then finally he managed a squeak, "What?"

Remus looked down at him, then ducked his head to kiss Peter gently. "I think you're sexy," he said.

"What d'you-- mean?" Peter whispered.

Remus trailed his lips along Peter's nose to the bridge, then down across Peter's cheeks. "You're amazing like this," he murmured, ignoring the way his body was telling him to move, in favour of letting Peter's body uncoil under him, which his unexpected praise seemed to be doing.

"Don't be stupid," Peter whispered, and Remus liked how his voice didn't seem as strained anymore. He shifted his hips and bit and Peter cried out.

"I think you're beautiful," Remus pushed, and shifted again.

Peter's fingers dug into Remus' back, and then surprisingly Peter's leg hooked around one of Remus' "More," he whispered.

It was barely audible, but it caused Remus to thrust shallowly automatically.

"Remus!" Peter panted, still clinging to Remus.

Remus thrust again, and shifted his hand between them to stroke Peter's cock, which produced a litany of "oh God"s from Peter's lips, until Remus kissed him, the sound getting swallowed. Remus gradually increased his speed, and Peter whimpered and moaned as Remus' hand matched the thrusts.

"God, Pete," Remus moaned. "Okay?"

"Mmhmm," Peter whimpered, and then, "harder," and Remus complied, feeling his body start to thrum with need. He twisted his wrist, and Peter groaned, and then Peter was spasming under him, clenching hard around his cock. Remus stilled for just a moment, watching Peter come undone, an then he brought his hand up to Peter's face. "God, so amazing," he whispered, his hips jerking hard and fast now at the memory of Peter's face just then. He kissed Peter, and then came, his entire body tensing as orgasm ripped through him.

A moment later he was slumped against Peter, breathing heavily against his hair. "Merlin, Pete, Peter, mmm."

Peter's fingers uncurled from where they'd dug into Remus' back, and his arms slid around Remus. "Thanks, Moony," he whispered.

Remus was paying attention to the way Peter's chest was rising and falling rapidly under his own, but a moment later, he murmured, "Thank _you_. Mmm, wanted you like that for so long." He kissed Peter's neck, and for a long while they went quiet.

Eventually, Remus slipped out of Peter and rolled off to Peter's side, snuggling up against him. He'd started to doze before Peter spoke again.

"You didn't have to say all those things," he whispered. "I would've done it without all that."

Remus frowned in confusion and lifted his head to look at Peter. "What d'you mean?"

"About me being... sexy, and all."

Remus stared at him for a moment, feeling a little saddened by Peter's words, then he shook his head. "I meant it." It was true. Peter wasn't traditionally attractive, but Remus liked him, and since they'd been together, Remus had grown to think of him as sexy as well, the way his face twisted with pleasure and the sounds he made when Remus was touching him.

Peter looked a bit disbelieving at first, but when Remus continued to look at him earnestly, his brows lifted a little. "You really mean that," Peter murmured, and Remus knew that even though it wasn't a question, Peter wanted confirmation.

"I really mean it," Remus whispered, and covered Peter's lips with his.


	19. Part Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in the spring of '79.

Peter used to think that time moved fast inside Hogwarts. Read the next chapter. Write eleven inches on Chimeras. Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff in Quidditch. Write another eight inches on the rune Naudiz. Snog Remus for an hour straight. Christmas hols. Detentions. N.E.W.T.s.

Suddenly they weren't in school anymore, and Peter expected it to slow down. But Summer became Fall. The Marauders became Order members. Marlene McKinnon became a memory at the age of 19. James and Lily became the Potters. Fall became Winter. The Prewetts became targets. Sirius and Emmeline became an item. Remus and Peter became flatmates. Winter became Spring. And Peter...

Peter got trapped alone in an alley on his way home after an Order meeting on a cool May afternoon and became something he'd never dreamed of. He told Remus he was just going to stop into the shops because they were out of bread, which was exactly what he did, but the bread never made it home.

Peter was lucky _he_ made it home.

"Nearly killed one of our most promising," one of them had hissed through a shining silver mask.

Peter had staggered back into a wall, and stammered, "Wh-what?!"

"Don't play stupid, ickle one," came a woman's distorted voice. That one pressed him up against the wall as tightly as if they were lovers and whispered in his ear. They'd taken his wand before they'd started in on him, so Peter froze, wondering wildly what he could do to get away without it. "Can't have you out there trying anything like that again, can we? Though, in spite of your victim's wishes that you simply die for your daring, we have another idea, should you prove worthy."

"Please, I don't know what you're talking about!" Peter managed, but then she slid a knee between his legs and pulled back to look at him. Peter had wild urge to shout that he was queer, even if he still wasn't utterly convinced, just to get her to stop touching him, but she whipped off her mask and her hood fell back, and black hair cascaded into the spring air. 

"I don't see the need in all that. We're just going to kill you if refuse."

Peter managed a squeak, then cursed himself for it, and then she was pressing her cheek against his, practically nuzzling his face. "Was he your first, pudding?"

Peter barely heard the 'endearment.' "My-- first--?"

"Kill?" she murmured.

"I didn't kill anyone!" he breathed urgently. He'd just wanted to just get Snape away from Remus. Safely away. Maybe in Hospital for the rest of the school year until they left so he knew Snape couldn't touch Remus, after Remus had been so... careful in answering Peter's request not to fuck Snape anymore. 

He'd instantly regretted it when Snape collapsed--was, in fact, violently ill in the brush that lined the forest, where he'd scampered as Wormtail to avoid being seen. "I didn't--"

The woman threw back her head and laughed, the sound ringing through the alley. Peter recognised the mad look, and it finally clicked who she was for the first time. Bellatrix Black.

"You tried," she whispered. "You almost succeeded. And almost no one saw you, little chameleon."

 

 

Peter's mind was reeling from the invasion that came next, the memories hurling past his eyes faster than he could stop then, but he still knew honour and glory were better than mockery and shame. They promised him he didn't have to do anything. He didn't have to hurt anyone. They promised him. And he could have all that. It would make his mum proud, they told him, after pillaging his thoughts, and Peter couldn't put his thoughts together anymore on his own. Still, he didn't think his mum would want him to be a Death Eater. _He_ didn't want to be a Death Eater, no matter what he might think of Muggles. He didn't want to hurt anyone, not after seeing what he did to Snape.

But he didn't have to hurt anyone, they said, and they'd let him live.

When he staggered through the door of the flat he shared with Remus, he fell into Remus' arms and gasped at the way the fabric of his sleeve scraped against his raw forearm where the black mark lay hidden under a Glamour. Everything else around Peter was becoming something new...well, now so was Peter.

But he could handle this. It would blow over. He could do a Glamour on himself every day for the rest of his life, and if the Death Eaters won, he was still safe. And if Voldemort could make an exception for Snape... 

Peter nuzzled Remus' neck, hoping he could do the same for Remus, if it came to that. 

"What happened?!" Remus gasped, pulled Peter close.

"Death Eaters," he said. "I got cornered."

"Oh my God!" Remus' arms tightened around Peter, and he guided Peter to their couch. Peter let him, grateful for it, as his head was still spinning a little. "We have to tell Dumbledore."

"No!" Peter said quickly, and when Remus looked concerned, Peter softened his tone, his gaze going sad. "It's embarrassing," he whispered, and it was, but not for the reasons he hoped Remus would think he meant.

"What if they come after you again?" Remus asked, "What if--?"

"We'll tell him if that happens, all right? Remus, please," he begged, "please, just stay with me. I'm... please." He gave Remus a little tug and Remus complied and wrapped his arms around Peter where they sat, then a moment later pulled back.

"I need to get you ice," he whispered, and touched the bruise on Peter's forehead. Peter winced and Remus drew his hand back quickly, murmuring an apology before heading to the kitchen.

Peter had fallen and smashed his head when the Legilimens had been lifted, and he'd forgotten until just then. He was numb now, but maybe that was why his head was still so foggy. When Remus came back and pressed the ice to his head, Peter made a face, but gripped one of Remus' hands in his own, partly for comfort and partly so he had some leverage if Remus decided to change his mind. 

"Peter..."

And there it was.

"I know," Peter whispered. "I just need you, Moony. They don't know where we live. They didn't follow me."

"You don't know what they can do!" Remus countered urgently.

Somehow, Peter had a feeling he would soon enough. But he didn't have to hurt anyone, he reminded himself numbly. And no matter what Remus thought, they wouldn't be coming for Peter again tonight. "I'm part of the Order, too, you know!" he said. "I know as well as any of the rest of you!"

Remus frowned, but Peter knew Remus would think Peter thought Remus was underestimating him. 

"I'm sorry," Remus amended, and Peter pulled him close to kiss him. Remus returned it, awkwardly pressing the ice to Peter's forehead still, and Peter slid his fingers into Remus' shirt through the button holes. Remus gasped at that and pulled away, frowning. "You can't be serious."

Peter looked at Remus and blinked, then dropped his eyes. He hadn't really been intending anything, but he wasn't really hurting. He wasn't really feeling anything, and he almost thought kissing Remus some more... and then some, might make him feel a little better. He nodded, and Remus let out an exasperated sigh. "Please, Remus," he asked.

"Peter, I'm sitting here holding ice to your head. You're hurt. We should be telling the Ord--"

Peter kissed him again. It might make him feel better and distract Remus from going to Dumbledore. This time Peter clung to Remus' shirt so he couldn't pull away and deepened the kiss, drawing his tongue along Remus' until the tight lines of Remus' body started to relax. Eventually, Remus let the ice slip between then, and Peter gasped when it landed in his lap.

"Peter," Remus whispered, and there was still a hint of protest in Remus' words. Peter pulled open the bag of ice, then popped a cube in his mouth before kissing Remus again. This time Remus gasped and moaned and curled his fingers into Peter's thighs. They passed the ice between their mouths a moment, until it got too cold, and Peter crushed it in his teeth and swallowed, promptly moving his lips to Remus' neck.

"Oh! Cold!" Remus whimpered, and Peter chuckled a little and parted Remus' shirt. It struck him then that he'd just laughed. He didn't think he should be laughing right now. Not with that _thing_ on his arm. He probably shouldn't be doing this at all, but it made him laugh. It made him feel a little better. Things could be okay. 

Peter pressed Remus back into the couch and straddled him, pulling another cube of ice from the baggy and drawing it down Remus' chest. Remus squirmed and made that face he always did, that gorgeous one he made when something was toeing that line between pleasure and discomfort. "Moony," Peter whispered. _I'm not what I was in that alley with you_ , he thought, drawing the ice around one of Remus' nipples, then down to his navel, dipping it inside.

Once it trailed back to the other nipple, and Remus was writhing and panting under him, Peter pulled Remus' trousers open. Remus' eyes flew open. "Pete, no," he whispered, but Peter grinned and sucked the ice into his mouth, then slid down Remus' body. He had to stop himself here, from asking if Remus had ever done this with Snape. Remus had finally gotten angry with him over that. But since he'd stopped asking, Peter thought he was starting to tell when something was new to Remus.

By the expression on Remus' face, this was new.

The ice melted on Peter's tongue and he dipped down and took Remus' cock in his mouth, and Remus cried out. "Fuck! Pete! Pete, please, cold!" Remus' fingers were fisted tight in Peter's hair anyway, and they weren't pushing Peter away. In fact, Peter wasn't sure he'd ever made Remus shout like that with just a suck job before. Peter sucked until his mouth grew warm again, and then he popped another ice cube in his mouth, keeping Remus occupied with his hand as he waited until his mouth was cold again to close his lips over Remus once more.

Before long, Remus was gasping for breath, and Peter eventually let the chill on his tongue fade for good, warming until the prick in his mouth felt blazing hot by comparison, which was when Remus shouted his name and came. 

Peter still sputtered, but he was getting better at that. Much of Remus' come dripped out of his mouth when he pulled away, though, and he drew his wand to do a quick Scourgify. 

Peter rested his head on Remus' thigh, and reclosed the baggy, settling what was left of the ice back on his bruise. Remus cracked an eye open and made a pained face, then whimpered. "Oh, dear Merlin, I'm the worst boyfriend ever."

Peter lifted his head and looked at Remus curiously, pushing aside the thought that that was incredibly ironic given the events of this afternoon. After a moment, he laughed lightly. "What d'you mean?"

"You get attacked and I just let you..."

Peter rolled his eyes and climbed up next to him again, wrapping his arms around Remus. "Don't be stupid," he whispered, even as Remus shifted to cradle him and resume the duty of holding the bag against his forehead again.


	20. Part Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in the winter of '80.

1979 was a rough year, especially the last half of it, but 1980 was even harder. Frank and Alice were singled out after the Death Eaters killed the Prewetts. Luckily their Auror training had saved them on the occasions they had been attacked. By the end of the year, however, there was no denying what everyone suspected already. There was a spy in the Order.

It had all been easy to deny until their raid on a Death Eater safe house in the Cotswolds had turned into an ambush. The Death Eaters somehow knew they were coming, and the Order had showed up to an empty cottage. Once inside, the Death Eaters trapped them. Benjy was dead before they realised what was happening. Peter had nursed a burn wound for nearly a week and Moody had wound up in hospital for several days, unconscious.

Remus didn't know what to think. He didn't know how to feel. It somehow still hadn't seemed real until they sat through a three hour Order meeting a week later in which it was confirmed there was a leak.

Remus stumbled into the flat he shared with Peter and did something he almost never did. He headed straight for the drinks cabinet, retrieved the bottle of Firewhiskey, and drank from it without using a glass. When he turned around, Peter was hovering in the doorway, looking nervous and sad.

"D'you want some?" Remus asked.

Peter shook his head slowly. "Shouldn't be drinking," he murmured.

"Pete, when Gid and Fab where murdered, you got so drunk you couldn't stand up," Remus said.

Peter looked a little ill at the memory. "They were the first--"

"McKinnon died first," Remus interrupted, and felt ten years older by the way they'd all started keeping track. He immediately hoped it would never get to a point where it was too hard to do so.

"That was when we first joined the Order. Fabian and Gideon were the first ones I was friends with," Peter said.

Remus frowned, because Gideon and Fabian Prewett had treated Peter in a friendly manner, but Remus always thought it was because they felt sorry for Peter. Remus had resented them for it, but had kept his mouth shut to spare Peter's feelings.

Remus crossed the room and settled in at the kitchen table, taking another drink. Peter finally walked in the room too, and closed his fingers over the bottle, which he pried out of Remus' hands and took back to the drinks cabinet.

"How could someone do this?" Remus asked. 

Peter didn't answer. He just walked up behind Remus and started to knead his shoulders. One hand moved up into Remus' hair and massaged his scalp.

"They know our names, Pete. They could know where we live, too." Remus had let his head drop down so Peter could keep touching him, but at that thought, he stood abruptly and started to recheck the wards on the flat.

"Remus," Peter said, but Remus didn't listen. He just kept moving about the flat, checking every entrance and window until Peter finally came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. 

"They won't come here," he whispered, kissing the back of Remus' neck.

"Peter, they could! That's the whole point! They know!" Remus snapped, and Peter's arms went tighter around him.

"Please don't get upset, Remus," Peter whispered more urgently. "Remus. Please, Remus. I'm trying not to be scared and I can't bear it if you get upset." Remus drew a deep breath and turned in Peter's arms. Peter was looking at him, his expression pleading. "They won't come here," he repeated.

Remus' lips pulled into a thin line, but he knew Peter needed the reassurance, probably more than Remus needed to vent and drink. "They won't come here," he said, not really believing it. It was strange, though, how the Death Eaters had never targeted their close friends, outside of the Prewitts. Maybe they didn't consider the Marauders powerful enough to worry about.

"Thank you, Moony," Peter said, and kissed Remus. "You need to relax," he added. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that everything is going all rotten, but please, Remus, you're all I have."

"You have James and Sirius," Remus said.

"No, you're all I have. They don't lo-- care for me, like you do."

Remus watched Peter's expression. It had been years, and Remus had admitted to Peter that he loved him, but Peter always stumbled on the word, even when Remus knew he felt it too. "You know, we could both die tomorrow. I'd like to hear you say that before that happens."

Peter's fingers went tight against Remus' back. "We won't, Remus. I promise we won't."

Remus shook his head. "You can't promise that."

Peter gazed at him for a moment, his expression almost mournful, and then he leaned in to kiss Remus, his fingers going to the top of Remus' trousers. "Let me make you feel better," Peter said. "I can do that, even if it's all I can do."

Remus looked at Peter for a moment before nodding and letting Peter guide them down the hallway to their bedroom. Remus still wasn't sure how to feel about what they'd found out today. He was still a little numb when Peter stripped them both and guided Remus onto the bed. When Peter straddled his hips and started to kiss Remus' chest, Remus exhaled a breath he didn't realised he was holding and let his body uncoil.

Peter flicked his tongue over a nipple and Remus finally gasped, and slid his fingers over Peter's back. Peter's head lifted and Remus looked at him. Peter was smiling faintly, even if his eyes still looked concerned, but then Peter bit his lip and looked away. "Can I--" he started, and then shifted away. He picked one of Remus' scarves off the floor where Remus had dropped it and held it up, then moved back to Remus and pressed it over Remus' eyes. "Can I?"

Remus' lips curled up slightly. "Blindfold me?"

"Yes," Peter breathed.

"Yes," Remus replied. "I trust you."

Peter made a funny little noise and tied the scarf around Remus' head, covering Remus' eyes. "You should. You're safe with me," he whispered.

Remus swallowed his urge to say that Peter couldn't protect him from Death Eaters. It was fortunate he did, because a moment later, Peter's hands were teasing him, ghosting over his chest and sides. Remus reached down to touch Peter, but found his arms bound above him a moment later. "This is for you," Peter murmured, and started to lick Remus' chest again.

It was amazing how not being able to see or touch Peter made every stroke of Peter's tongue feel more amazing than it usually did. Each touch and nip was unexpected, and it didn't take long for Remus to lose his breath, tugging against his restraints, because if he could just touch Peter he would know what was going to happen next.

"Pete," he panted, and Peter hummed, a contented noise, and licked the underside of Remus' cock. "Pete!" Remus gasped, but then Peter's lips were on Remus' stomach again, and Peter's tongue dipped into Remus' navel. Remus gasped and squirmed, and accidentally kicked Peter.

"Ow!" Peter exclaimed.

"Sorry!" Remus gasped. "I can't see where you-- Oh, God!"

Peter took Remus fully into his mouth before Remus could even finish his sentence, and Remus squirmed, but tried to keep still so he wouldn't hurt Peter again. 

The warm wetness slid over his cock, and Remus whimpered, only able to imagine the way Peter might look, thin lips circling him, his tongue snaking along his shaft. Remus rocked his hips a little, and Peter moaned. Remus' already heightened senses went ablaze at the vibration around his cock, and he jerked at his bindings one last time before he came.

Peter coughed, but managed to swallow, or at least Remus didn't feel his come sliding back down his prick when he pulled away. He felt Peter shift away a little, and the room went quiet outside of Remus' laboured breathing.

Remus' heart slowed until it was only a dull thump against his ribs. "Peter?" he asked, when he could speak again.

"Moony."

"What are you doing?"

Peter didn't answer at first, and Remus licked his lips, shifting a little. His fingers curled around the magical ropes that bound him, and Remus brought his knees up a bit.

"Looking at you," Peter finally whispered, sounding a little embarrassed. "Want to fuck you like this."

Remus' body, which had been cooling down, went hot again at the suggestion. "Yes," he whispered, and then Peter was guiding his legs up. He could feel the heat of Peter's body over him when Peter leaned down, and then his entrance was slick with the spell he'd taught Peter so long ago.

It was a slow push that Peter entered Remus with, and Remus felt himself stretched and filled. He shifted and wrapped his legs around Peter when Peter started to move, and kissed back too late when Peter's mouth pressed against his, not having seen it coming. He caught up to the kiss after a moment, though, and Peter's thrusts started to come more rhythmically. It was perfect, being with Peter like this. Remus felt complete, even when their lives were crashing around them.

Peter whimpered against his mouth, and trailed his lips over Remus' jaw and shoulder. "Remus," he whispered. "Remus, Remus. You're so good."

"Mmm," Remus hummed, "Pete." He could anticipate Peter's thrusts with his legs over Peter's hips, so he expected it when Peter sped up. Still, he curled his fingers around the bindings tighter. "Kiss me again," he requested, and Peter did.

Fingers dug into Remus' hips, bracing Remus against Peter's increasingly demanding thrusts. Remus' body felt alive as Peter drove into him, and they both panted and whimpered and moaned as Peter raced to his completion, Remus' name on his lips when he stilled and came.

When Peter collapsed against him, skin hot and damp, he didn't pull out. He wrapped his arms around Remus as best he could and held him. Remus relaxed in his bindings and listened to the sound of Peter breathing, relishing the feel of Peter's hot breath against his chest. 

"I'm so lucky you love me," Peter whispered. He sounded near tears and a moment later, Remus felt wetness dripping onto his chest.

"Pete," Remus whispered and tugged against his restraints, wanting to get his arms around Peter. "Let me go."

Peter sat up, pulling out of Remus, and wiped the wetness off Remus' chest. He sniffled. "I'm sorry."

The ropes went away and Remus pushed the scarf off his eyes, but when he looked at Peter, Peter had wiped the wetness from his face and was just gazing at Remus sadly.

"Don't be sorry," Remus whispered, and held out his arms to invite Peter back down, wanting to hold him. Peter complied and Remus kissed his hair. "You've been so strong. It's okay to cry."


	21. Part Twenty-one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is set in the fall of '81.

Lily and Alice both got pregnant in early 1980. Peter thought it was a _bloody stupid_ thing to do, go off and get pregnant in the middle of a war. But James never did learn to think things through and Lily loved him, so Peter pretended to be happy for them. He felt both a sick sense of relief and a sinking feeling of horror when the Dark Lord targeted the Potters shortly after - relief that Peter hadn't had to be the one to choose who the Dark Lord killed next, and horror because he didn't want his friends killed. He'd been trying to avoid that. And now it was happening anyway, and Peter wasn't in the loop enough within the Death Eaters to even know why it was James and Lily that had fallen into Voldemort's bad graces.

Sirius and Emmeline had split up, and Sirius was drinking a lot more than before. People were starting to talk about the Marauders behind their backs: _Sirius was a drunk with familial ties to Dark Wizards. Remus was a werewolf._

That was all they ever said about Remus when they thought someone might hear, but it meant so much more than that. Albus had asked Remus to spend time with Greyback's pack, and everyone in the Order knew it. Remus had come back to their flat the morning after his first full with the pack vomiting blood and begging Peter to run away with him. It had been a tempting thought, but Peter knew the Dark Lord would find him and kill both of them. And anyway, he knew Remus would rescind when he was well again, which he did. Remus didn't want to leave the fight any more than Peter wanted to be a spy.

In one foolishly hopeful moment that morning, Peter had wanted to tell Remus everything about what he'd done. Remus was a spy and a murderer now too. Peter managed to squash the thought quickly though, not unaware of the vast differences in their situations.

Still, the way people whispered about Remus made Peter want to hurt them. Bellatrix hadn't lied to him, not really. He hadn't, in fact, directly hurt anyone in this war. He just gave names and pointed fingers, stayed alive and hoped the Order would soon win the war and he could be free.

And nobody had anything to whisper about him. Peter heard them, as he crouched in a corner as Wormtail. _Merlin, Lupin and Black might turn on poor Peter next, once they off Potter. Did you hear Lupin **growl**_ at Lily the other day? 

They didn't whisper about Peter, and the looks of pity they gave him for keeping friends like Sirius and living with a 'beast' made Peter want to smash their faces in.

He didn't correct them, though. Not ever.

Once the war ended, Remus and Sirius' names could be cleared, but for now, the rumours kept Peter safe.

It was a cool October night when the silver stag burst through the wall of the flat. Peter jumped and splashed his tea in his lap, barely hearing James' voice telling him to come to Sirius' cottage as soon as he could. He cleaned himself up and Apparated away once his heart stopped hammering in his chest.

He was let in right away when he knocked, and he wandered inside, trying not to feel guilty at how tense James and Sirius looked. It wasn't his fault this time, but somehow that didn't matter. "Where's Remus?"

"He's not coming. Sit down, Wormy." Sirius had a bottle in his hand, which wasn't unusual these days, but he didn't appear drunk.

"What d'you mean he's not coming?"

"Peter, will you please just sit."

Peter frowned, but he sat anyway, glancing between his two friends. James looked resigned, but Sirius was pacing.

"We're moving," James said.

Peter's mouth fell open, and he turned to stare at James. "What do you mean moving? Where's Lily?"

"Godric's Hollow--"

"What's she doing in--"

"Wormy, shut up for a minute," Sirius snapped.

Peter narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything else, and James and Sirius started describing their plan to protect James and Lily from Voldemort. It had all seemed logical until they got to the last bit, the part where they wanted Peter to be their _Secret Keeper_. Well, Peter was sure even that part seemed logical to them, but Peter just stared at them.

They were looking at him with expectation, and Peter opened his mouth to speak, then shut it and shook his head. "No."

"What do you mean ' _no_ '?" Sirius asked. 

"Why can't it be you?" Peter demanded.

"Because everyone is expecting it to be me," Sirius countered, his gaze narrowing.

"What about Remus?"

"Peter, you've seen where he's been hanging about. You know what he's do--"

Peter was out of his seat in a flash, his temper flaring. "He does it because Dumbledore wants him to!"

"Still--"

"He does it for us! You've been his friend ten years and you're going to just think he'd turn on us like that!?" Peter's hands had balled at his side, and he ignored the nasty voice in his head that reminded him that he had turned on them, even though they'd been friends so long.

James held up his hands. "We don't want to _believe_ \--"

"Just because you're _fucking him_ , doesn't mean he's everything you want him to be, Pete!" Sirius shouted, cutting James off. "You have to admit, you're a little close to be making--"

"Oh, if I'm close to the _werewolf_ , how can you trust me?!" Peter yelled. Merlin, he shouldn't be saying anything to make himself look like a possible traitor. He turned it around. "Haven't you heard what people are saying about you, Pads?! What if we just stopped--"

" _OI_!" James shouted, rising to his feet too. "Peter, sit down. Sirius, calm down. This isn't going to help anything."

Peter didn't sit. His gaze was hard on Sirius. How could Sirius, of all people, think Remus wasn't trustworthy?!

"I knew he wouldn't do it," Sirius muttered to James, sitting. He slouched and took another drink from his bottle.

"What?!" Peter said, his jaw dropping.

"I've seen you, keeping your mouth shut, keeping out of the way, saving your own arse. Where were you when Dung's got raided?" Sirius snapped.

"I told you, no one sent me a Patronus," he lied, getting angrier by the moment. It was true, what Sirius was saying, but it still stung.

"Because you're bloody useless in combat," Sirius griped.

"Fuck you!" Peter shouted, and this time James had to jump in between Peter and Sirius before Peter hit him.

"I sent you a Patronus, Pete. I did," James said urgently, gripping Peter's shoulders.

"I didn't get it," Peter said, but James ignored him.

"You have to stop bloody hiding behind us some time and _do something_ , Peter. This is a war, and if you're going to keep being a fucking coward, you should just get out of it."

Peter's jaw hurt with how tight it had gone, but even through his anger, he was sort of amazed that his friends had noticed he wasn't helping out as much, but still didn't suspect him. Oh, but James and Sirius never did think much of him, he remembered. They mistook his absences for cowardice.

"This is your chance to do something, Peter," James said, and Peter's eyes narrowed.

That old familiar resentment was racing through him. It was funny how it had lain dormant for so long, after he wasn't living with James and Sirius, but it was still there. Peter ground his teeth, staring angrily at James, and nodded.

 

 

It was all over. Peter left Godric's Hollow, the Fidelius charm still coursing through his body, and knew it was all over.

The Dark Lord would know he knew. James and Lily would be dead. Sirius would know Peter was the traitor. And Remus... Remus wouldn't love him anymore.

He should have let James and Sirius think what they wanted. _Sod them_. He should have let them think he was a coward. But he hadn't, and now it was all over.

Peter picked up a bouquet of roses on the way home, knowing Remus would be waiting for him. He'd never done anything so stupidly romantic - had, in fact, rolled his eyes when Remus brought him flowers before - but there was no telling how much longer he had with Remus now. Weeks, days, hours?

When he stepped into the flat, flowers in hand, Remus' brows had first risen in surprise, then lowered again. "What have you done?" he asked, though there was a dubious smile at the corners of his lips.

"I love you," Peter blurted, and this time, Remus looked almost alarmed.

Remus stood from his chair and crossed the room to hold Peter. "Has something happened?" he asked quickly.

"No, but you were right, I think. It could be over tomorrow and I could have never told you," Peter answered, nosing Remus' hair. He pulled back and held up the bouquet. "I got you flowers."

"I see that," Remus said, smiling faintly. "Are you sure nothing's happened?"

 _Everything's happened_ , Peter thought, but he nodded instead and kissed Remus. "I love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry I never said it before, it was just--"

"It's okay," Remus whispered back, and kissed Peter again. Remus pulled back, and now he was smiling broadly and his eyes were glassy. "We have the rest of our lives to say it some more."

Peter's stomach twisted, but he nodded again and kissed Remus hard, clinging to him. The roses were left on the sofa, and their clothes were dropped in a trail that led to their bedroom. By the time they toppled onto their bed, they were both naked and breathless.

Peter tried to memorize every last detail about Remus, the way he was smiling right now, like Peter had made his day (which made Peter feel brilliant, even though he knew he ought to feel rotten), the way Remus' fingers trailed down Peter's sides and caressed his prick, the way Remus knew exactly where to touch Peter to make him whimper and beg for more.

"Have me," Remus whispered, still smiling, even though his eyelids had drooped and he was looking at Peter from underneath his lashes. "Say it again."

"I love you," Peter said, and sank inside of Remus, loving the way Remus threw back his head and bit his lip, and how when Remus squirmed in pleasure, it sent shivers through Peter's entire body.

"Again," Remus whispered, and Peter didn't know if Remus meant the words or the way Peter had moved inside him, so Peter repeated both.

"God, Pete!" Remus gasped, and clung to Peter.

Peter picked up his pace, relishing the feel of Remus' pliant body beneath him. He'd never had anyone like Remus before, and he never would again, and he couldn't stop repeating those three little words the more he moved, and Remus's body invited him to move. They were both gasping with need when Peter came, and Remus was not long after, spilling his release over Peter's fist.

Peter collapsed, panting hard, but smiling for the first time all evening, and when he glanced up, Remus was wearing the stupidest grin he'd ever seen on his lover's face. "We forgot to put the roses in water," Remus mumbled, sounding drunk with happiness.

"I'll get them in a minute," Peter whispered, kissing Remus' jaw.

"I love you, Pete," Remus sighed.

"I know," Peter said, and he'd said as much to Remus just then probably a hundred times, so he didn't return it this time. He pulled out of Remus and slid off to his side, kissing Remus' shoulder. 

Merlin, Remus looked happy. Peter settled against him as the haze of release started to dissipate. He wondered if there were a way for Remus to always think of Peter this way, if there were a way for the truth not to come out, like he knew it would. His smiled slipped a little as Remus started to doze, wondering if the Dark Mark would stay on his arm if he were dead, if he killed himself. Or maybe he could come up with a way to make everything look like it hadn't been his fault.

Peter lifted his head and looked at Remus, and Remus must not've been fully asleep yet, because he stirred at the movement. Remus blinked at Peter and smiled. "Hi."

Peter's smile bloomed once more at the way Remus looked at him. He would have to find a way not to tarnish the affection in Remus' gaze. He just _had_ to. "Halloween's on Saturday," Peter murmured. "Do you think I could convince you to wear that cat suit again?"

Remus laughed and pulled Peter close, and Peter sealed his resolve with a kiss.


	22. Chapter Twenty-two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crossover with Criminal Minds. This part is set sometime in '82. Yes, I know Reid either wasn't born or was just a wee babe in '82, but just go with me.

They gave Mrs. Pettigrew Peter's finger in a box. _His finger_. And his posthumous Order of Merlin, but that wasn't the part that Remus fixated on in the years that followed. Peter had finally told Remus he loved him, and then a few days later, all that was left of Peter was his finger. The roses he had brought Remus hadn't even started to droop when they put what was left of his lover in the ground.

Peter's finger was buried in a Wizarding cemetery on the Isle of Mull, near Peter's childhood home, even though Remus knew Peter had hated it there. 

Several days after the funeral, Remus went to Loch Ness. He'd sewn strands of tawny hair that had clung to their linens inside a stuffed Jobberknoll that Peter had brought with him everywhere since his first day at Hogwarts, and floated the toy out into the black water. Peter had always wanted to see Nessie. Maybe now he would. 

Remus watched it drift away until it was out of sight, then stared blankly at the water until the sky grew dark and his body grew numb from cold. All he could feel was the way the tears on his cheeks stung in the November chill. 

When he got back to the flat he'd shared with Peter several hours later, he tucked Peter's reading glasses into his breast pocket and, without a word to anyone, left England. There was no war left to fight. The Order didn't need him. Everything he loved had been taken from him. His friends were gone. His enemies were dead. There was no reason for him to stay.

The year that followed was mostly a blur. The werewolf laws were more relaxed in America, he found, and he was able to get a steady job as a teacher's assistant at a tiny little Wizarding primary school on Staten Island, provided he not teach one week out of each month and check in with the Ministry once a month for what they called Psychological Evaluations. 

Staten Island was just domestic enough to be comfortable, while being close enough to the major metropolitan areas of New York for Remus to lose himself if and when he wanted. That didn't happen for some time, however. For a while, Remus settled into routine: teach during the day, come home and wallow in loneliness at night, try not to cry, and occasionally take a trip to the American Ministry of Magic to reapply for training to become a Curse-Breaker. Remus though it was ironic that they would let him be employed teaching children, but wouldn't let him seek further training with the Ministry. They claimed it had to do with his citizenship, but Remus recognised their dubious expression.

He had never been particularly good at forming close friendships, not after having been bitten, which he supposed might have been a big factor in how it had become so easy to whisper about him behind his back as the war dragged on. The people he worked with were friendly to him, but that was about as far as it went. Remus wasn't really interested in taking it farther than that, not when everything could so spectacularly go to hell at any moment and leave him alone again. It was easier just to stay alone.

Still, every night he thought of Peter. Some nights he told himself that Peter would be proud of him for moving on, for starting a new life. Other nights he would convince himself that Peter would have thought him pathetic for the way he still clung to a past that was so clearly gone. On those nights, he usually fell asleep with tears in his eyes, clutching Peter's glasses to his chest. Or at least that was how it went for a year, right up until Halloween rolled around and the one year anniversary of Sirius' betrayal was staring him in the face again.

With the full moon less than a week away, he was restless. He had no classes to teach all week. He had nothing but solitude, Peter's bloody glasses staring at him, and a bottle of Firewhiskey, which he drained and replaced twice over the course of the week in spite of his better judgement. When Halloween rolled around, he'd paced the front room of his tiny flat for over an hour before throwing his clothes on and leaving the house to take the Ferry to Manhattan. It would have been faster to Apparate. He'd taken to looking into Muggle gay clubs months ago, but had never actually been, so he didn't even know the Apparition coordinates. Besides, if he took the Ferry, he gave himself time to change his mind.

He slipped into a club about a hour later, and nearly slipped right back out as he took in its inhabitants: large men in leather, a few in miniskirts and lipstick. The man at the end of the bar was wearing chaps with nothing under them.

 _Merlin, what am I doing?_ he asked himself, and then answered himself immediately. _Forgetting_.

He pushed inside and slid up to the bar, placing a drink order, then glanced around the club again. It really wasn't as bad once he was all the way in. Not everyone was tarted up like whores. Remus started scanning the room for blokes on their own before he even realised he was doing it, and finally he settled on a young man across the room who looked just as out of place as Remus did.

He caught the man's eyes and smiled, and Remus kept glancing over and meeting the man's eyes for the next fifteen minutes or so. He finally sent a drink over, and that was when the other man finally crossed the room and slid into the chair next to him. He was even better looking up close, and Remus' eyes traced the square jaw and messy hair with his eyes as the other man offered a small smile and an even smaller wave in greeting. "Ah, hi."

"Hello," Remus answered. "You were drinking red?"

The other man's eyebrows peaked at Remus' accent, but he just smiled a little more, even as he shifted in his seat, looking awkward. "Yeah. Thanks."

"I'm Remus."

The other man brightened a little. "Oh, like Romulus and Remus, traditional founders of Rome. Sent down the river in a basket, nursed by a she-wolf and fed by a woodpecker. Do you have a twin?"

Remus blinked at him, his lips curling slightly. "No."

The other man took a sip of his wine. "Mmm," he hummed as he sat the glass down on the bar. "You'd _think_ your parents would have named you after the twin that wasn't killed with a shovel. By some accounts, anyway." He met Remus' eyes briefly, and then that awkwardness returned and his gaze darted away, his lips pulling into a thin line. "Sorry."

Remus continued to stare for a moment, and then just started to laugh. Well, at least the other man was interesting in a funny sort of way. "You would think that, wouldn't you?" Remus agreed. "Are you going to tell me your name, or do I have to guess?"

The other man had looked back up and smiled when Remus laughed. He shifted a bit to face Remus. "Oh, sorry. Spencer."

"Good to meet you. I regret that I don't have as much to say about your name as you did mine," Remus joked, though the longer he talked with Spencer, the more he had to fight off a slowly growing guilt that was working its way through the adrenalin and determination, an odd sensation that he was somehow betraying Peter by chatting up some bloke he just met in a bar.

"It's really not half as interesting: dispenser of provisions."

"Have a keen interest in name origins?" Remus asked, and when Spencer just shrugged, Remus added, "Or just Roman mythology?"

"I studied it when I was in grade school."

"That's some memory," Remus said, smiling faintly. Spencer raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly, but didn't say anything, so Remus went on. "I haven't seen you here before."

"I'm not from here," Spencer said. "Actually, I'm flying out of town tomorrow. I was just here on, ah, business."

Remus was surprised at the feeling of relief that flooded him at those words. He felt a bit guilty for it, as it felt a bit cheap to buy Spencer a drink and shag him and never see him again, but Remus knew he wasn't ready for a relationship of any sort, and at least he knew Spencer was on the same page. He thought. He pushed just to be sure. "So you're just going out for a shag before you fly home?"

Spencer coughed and looked into his lap, and Remus could see his eyebrows raise and lower like he was trying to figure out exactly how to respond.

"That is what this is, isn't it?" Remus asked.

Spencer pressed his lips together. "Does your, ah, boyfriend know you're here?"

Remus frowned. "My boyfriend?"

"You're wearing a Claddagh ring on your right hand," Spencer said.

Oh, that. Remus hadn't gone back to Peter's actual grave, but on the six month anniversary of Peter's death, Remus had gone back to Loch Ness to talk to Peter. He'd Apparated to Claddagh after and picked up the ring, though most Americans didn't know what it meant.

"The design is facing inward, which would indicate that you're in love or in a relationship," Spencer said, glancing back up at Remus. "Every time I smile at you, you adjust it with your thumb."

Spencer talked like an encyclopedia. If it weren't for how odd Remus was slowly realising Spencer was, Remus might have been annoyed at the reminder of Peter on the night that he just wanted to forget. As it was, it put him a little on edge, but not enough to walk away. "Peter might know I'm here. He might not. Can't say for sure. He was murdered a year ago tonight."

Spencer didn't even flinch. Remus might not have noticed it, except that every other time he'd ever talked about what happened to his friends, he could could see a distinct wave of panic hit the person he was talking to. It was like he could almost see them trying to figure out how to respond. Spencer just nodded, and after a moment, murmured, "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Do you drink anything stronger than wine?" Remus asked, suddenly wanting to forget.

A look of uncertainty crossed Spencer's face, then he said, "I shouldn't get drunk." He shrugged awkwardly and shifted in his seat. "My team would know."

"Team?"

"Co-workers," Spencer replied, and then looked up at Remus again. There was something understanding and sympathetic in his eyes as he gazed at Remus that hadn't been there before, and Remus felt Spencer's hand move to his knee. 

"They wouldn't know," Remus whispered.

Spencer's lips curved into a slow smile, and Remus gripped the edge of the bar when he felt his thumb go for his ring this time. 

"They really would," Spencer murmured. "They probably know I'm here, actually, but that's far less likely to cause problems than if they think I'm getting... drunk."

Spencer insisted they not get so arsed that they fell into bed simply for lack of being able to stand. They talked a bit more, and Remus dropped a few more hints about what had happened a year ago tonight. Spencer was sympathetic and sweet and oddly innocent at times. It was only an hour later that Spencer and Remus entered the room at the Muggle inn not too far from the club. Spencer insisted on paying, and Remus wondered if he should feel guilty. Though Spencer had talked about co-workers, they hadn't actually discussed his job, and Spencer's clothes looked about as second hand as Remus' own.

Once inside, Remus pressed Spencer against the door and kissed him, and was overcome with both desire and guilt. He hadn't kissed anyone since he'd kissed Peter the last time, and the slide of Spencer's tongue against his own felt amazing and terrifying at the same time. Remus pulled back to look at Spencer, and reminded himself this was about tonight and nothing else. Spencer gave him a thoughtful frown.

"It works," he murmured, and Remus frowned in return. Spencer's fingers went to Remus' buttons. "To forget, I mean."

"What do you have to forget?" Remus whispered.

Spencers lips thinned until he was almost wearing a grimace and he was silent for a long time, then he tilted his head at Remus and shrugged. "Believe it or not, a lot of the same things you do."

"So you just started shagging random blokes?" Remus said.

Spencer bounced once on the balls of his feet and leaned in to kiss Remus again. "It was better than anything else I wanted to do," he replied, and then he was pushing Remus back toward the bed. Both shirts were open and Spencer's trousers and pants were off first. "Do you have a condom?" Spencer asked, and Remus had to swallow a sigh.

There had been a lot of talk about some new disease killing gay men in the Muggle world, and Remus couldn't blame Spencer anymore than he could protest and use a spell instead. Of course, he'd known that in advance and had come prepared. "Yes," he whispered, and pressed Spencer into the mattress on his back. His blood was racing, both from not having done this in some time and from the growing excitement and nerves of doing this with someone he'd just met.

He fumbled the little packet out of his pocket before unzipping his trousers and rolling it on, careful not to break the thin barrier. He realised too late they didn't have any lubriction, and he looked back at Spencer. He was sprawled out on his back, his knees bent, and he was watching Remus with anticipation. God, he was beautiful, Remus thought, and barely felt the guilt through his arousal. He reached down and took Spencer's cock in his hand, and Spencer let his eyes flutter shut a moment. Remus spit on his fingers and drew them along Spencer's entrance, and this time Spencer squirmed.

"Mmm," he hummed and licked his lips, then arched off the bed a little when Remus slid his finger inside, first one, then two, then a third. Remus kept stroking his cock as he worked, massaging that spot inside Spencer that made him writhe and whimper with need until Remus couldn't stand it anymore. He drew his fingers out and replaced them with his cock, sliding in slowly as he could and realising too late he hadn't even bothered to undress fully.

"Remus," Spencer panted, "Mmm, slow, please. I'm--"

"You're?" Remus whispered, biting lightly along Spencer's jaw and rotating his hips a little to appease his body's need for more as he waited for Spencer to answer.

"I'm not very... experienced," Spencer managed, even as he tilted his head back and reached down to grope Remus' arse through his trousers.

Remus went still. "You're a virgin?"

"No, no!" Spencer corrected quickly. "I'm just, mmm, God, move."

Remus didn't ask any more questions. He just started to move, slowly sinking into Spencer again and again, forcing his body to keep itself in check. Spencer wasn't a virgin, but he responded like one, whimpering and moaning at every little touch and caress, and Remus wished he'd spent more time teasing him in the beginning because it was a heady sensation that caused in him, getting those sorts of reactions from someone. Eventually, Spencer's body had apparently adjusted, and he panted, "harder."

Remus spit against his fingers and spread it around Spencer's entrance (doing a furtive lubrication spell as he did), and then obliged, driving into Spencer with enough force to make him scream. Spencer's nails dug into Remus' back and he had to swallow a growl. He curled his hand around Spencer's cock and stroked in time with his thrusts until Spencer came over his hand.

Remus wasn't far behind, and feeling that familiar fluid slide down the back of his hand, feeling Spencer spasm around him and hearing Spencer cry out with his released undid Remus. He thrust only a few more times and then came, moaning as his hips worked against Spencer before coming to rest.

Remus slid out and collapsed at Spencer's side on his back, closing his eyes and trying to catch his breath. After a long silence, Remus glanced over to see Spencer's eyes were still closed, but he was wearing a contented smile. Remus reached out and touched Spencer's side and Spencer opened his eyes and looked at him.

"Why are you off shagging random blokes in bars?" Remus asked, genuinely curious why someone might start out that way.

Spencer's smile slid a little. "My job keeps me busy and moving all the time. And... I needed to find a way to forget."

"Isn't there anyone you work with--?"

Spencer laughed before Remus finished. "Yes, but he's straight. Incredibly straight. Ex-football player." He shrugged.

"Heh, _football_ ," Remus said, rolling his eyes. 

He sighed and stretched, finally covering himself up. Spencer pulled the sheets over himself too.

"I spent three years of my life with a man who never once admitted he was gay," Remus murmured. "You never know."

Spencer eyed Remus thoughtfully for a moment, then murmured, "Yeah. Maybe."


	23. Part Twenty-three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crossover with Little Miss Sunshine. I realise the timeline in LMS canon is very jumbled up here, with Dwayne in school but not talking after enough time has passed for Frank's wounds to have healed. Just let me fudge it, I was writing fast.
> 
> "Daisy" in this fic was meant to be Daisy Steiner from Spaced fandom, but she didn't feature prominently enough for me to justify tagging this with Spaced.

The night Remus spent with Spencer left him feeling better than he had the entire year since leaving England. Still, he resisted going back to the club at first. He Apparated home at Christmas for a decidedly stilted Christmas dinner with his father, and he realised, in retrospect, that he probably ought to have told his father he was leaving England. His dad was just as alone now as Remus was, but they'd not been particularly close since Remus had been bitten. He didn't know how to help his father, and his father _certainly_ didn't know how to help him.

After the meal ended in thinly veiled insults from both of sides of the table, Remus left his father's house and slipped into the first club he came upon. He spent Christmas night with a woman named Daisy who talked too much and was mediocre in bed, but helped Remus forget, none the less. That was until he rolled onto his back after they were done and she wanted to cuddle and talk about her feelings.

Remus had sworn off women when he was fifteen. He did so again after Christmas of 1982.

When he returned to New York the following week, Remus immersed himself in the clubs again. Eventually inns became too expensive and he started risking taking men home or going home with the men he'd pick up. After a while, the New York gay club scene had become so normal to him, he hardly noticed the transexuals and men in leather. On more than one occasion, he woke up with a miserable hangover and lipstick on his clothes, even when he'd known there'd been a cock in his arse the night before.

This wasn't the life he was supposed to be leading. He wasn't supposed to be spending late nights in dirty back rooms with multiple men coming on him, or getting shoved against walls in flats of men whose name he didn't know, or taking two cocks up his arse while sucking a third, or learning how to properly use a paddle and whip. He'd been collared and had licked the boots of men with dark hair, pale skin, and caustic tongues and tried not to wonder what Severus was doing, and every time he sucked off a sweet-faced guy with a little extra around his middle, he violently shoved away the memory of the man he used to be with Peter.

It was lucky being a Wizard. When gay men started dying around him of something that couldn't be stopped, Remus knew he was safe--though after several years passed and people began to recognise him, they became a little leery of what Lupin might be carrying around with him. Still, the little English bloke that could suck two cocks at once while letting a third man stick the neck of a wine bottle up his arse was almost too much of a novelty to resist. They seemed to think all English men should be uptight, and maybe Remus really should have been, but he didn't much care for the way things _should have been_ anymore.

It was also lucky being a Wizard when things got out of hand, when certain men decided start knocking on his door late at night after what Remus had thought was a one night thing. Most of them were one night things, but some people had a harder time accepting that. Or maybe they'd just never been with someone who would let them piss on them and wanted to give it another go.

Remus was starting to grow tired of the furtive Obliviates as the years dragged on. When he wasn't losing himself in getting fucked until he couldn't walk right, he felt ten years older than he should. Finally, on a hot August night, things got too out of hand when a bar fight in a seedy neighborhood broke out around him and landed him in a Muggle hospital. He spent several days there, and when he was finally released, he started looking for an out from the life he'd created around himself. 

It was amazing his psychological evaluations were still coming off clean, but he always had been good at faking normalcy. His good record got him a teaching job at a Muggle High School in New Mexico. It was hot and dry and nothing like New York, and Remus spent the first month pacing his flat because he couldn't sit still. After years of always going, it was hard to stop.

He eventually caved in and found a gay club in the city, but it wasn't nearly as fast-paced as the ones he was used to. He resigned himself to an occasion suck job in a club bathroom, or a fuck in the back of someone's truck. After a while, he found you just had to know where to look for sex, but even then no one wanted to piss on him, or call him names, and if there were any cross-dressers or transexuals around, Remus certainly didn't know where to find them. He wasn't inclined to ask, either.

So he settled into this more subdued life and tried to tell himself that it was better for him, rather than boring, and that it was good to have time to think, even when he didn't want to. It went fine until a student of his brought everything crashing down around him again.

Dwayne (he found out the boy's name later) looked so much like Peter it hurt. Aside from the dyed black hair and the slim physique, that was. The first time Remus walked past him on the school campus, he thought his heart stopped. Then he'd stopped dead in his tracks to turn and stare. Dwayne saw it, and turned around too, then darted a glance to each side of him before flipping Remus the bird. Remus clenched his jaw to keep it from falling right bloody open, then darted a few furtive glances around himself too before sticking two fingers up at Dwayne in return. 

Most American teenagers would just think their daft Brit teacher was fucking up a peace sign, but Dwayne's eyes danced with mild amusement for the briefest of moments. Then the look slid off and he turned and walked away. It was almost painful to watch, and over the following weeks, Remus found himself eating lunch out in the quad where he might catch glimpses of the boy, instead of in his office, and taking a different way out of the campus in the afternoons because he knew Dwayne left that way.

It was stupid. He knew it was. He was at least ten years older than the boy. He could get himself fired, or worse, sent to Muggle jail. Sure, he could just Apparate away, but he had a feeling the Ministry of Magic would have a bit to say about a werewolf taking advantage of kids. Still, he couldn't help himself, and on more than one occasion, he found Dwayne catching his gaze. It was always the same expression that Dwayne wore too. He'd roll his eyes and look away, then hurry off wherever he was going.

Until the day that Dwayne actually screwed up his face in determination and walked up to Remus. Remus swallowed his heart when it tried to jump out of his chest.

For a moment Dwayne just stared at him - in fact, he did this long enough that Remus started to look around them to see if anyone was watching before clearing his throat. "Yes?"

Dwayne sighed, then shifted his bag and produced a pen and notepad from his bag. He scribbled something on it and them held it up for Remus to read.

_I'm fifteen._

Remus blinked. Dwayne took the pad back, made two scratches on it, and then held it back up. The word "fifteen" was underlined twice.

"Ah," Remus started, then cleared his throat again. "Don't you speak?"

Dwayne looked off to his right irritably, as though the question were one he'd suffered through too many times to count, then flipped a page in his notebook and started scribbling again. He held it back up for Remus to read.

_My uncle likes to fuck his students too._

Remus' jaw dropped, and he pushed off the stone bench he had been sitting on. "What?!" he said. "This is-- what do you--"

Dwayne rolled his eyes and gave Remus a look that shut hum up, and then just turned around and walked away.

Remus stopped putting himself where he knew Dwayne would be after that, except that he had found an Apparition point that was closer if he left the same way Dwayne did. Still, even when he wanted to look, he forced his eyes to the ground. It was bad enough that he indulged the fantasy of sleeping with a teenager, he didn't need that teenager to go off and do anything stupid. Of course, as teenagers were wont to do, Dwayne did anyway.

Remus was leaving school one afternoon and found himself stopped dead in his tracks. Dwayne stepped in front of him and held up his hand, then stepped aside to reveal he wasn't alone. Remus' heart thudded in his chest at the sight of the older man Dwayne was with, wondering if Dwayne had turned him in. Dwayne just gestured between the two of them, then stared at Remus, expressionless, before walking away and leaving both men standing there.

"Ah, hello," Remus said.

"You're English," the other man said, brightening.

"How astute," Remus said, not unkindly, but really, he got that a lot.

"Oh, ah, sorry. I wasn't expecting one of Dwayne's teachers to be-- nevermind."

Remus bit his lip and raised his eyebrows, then shifted on his feet again, wondering what he was supposed to be meeting this man for, but then the other man put out his hand. "I'm Frank. I'm Dwayne's uncle. You're Mr. Lupin?"

 _My uncle likes to fuck his students too_ , Remus thought, and turned to glower after Dwayne before remembering he'd left. He turned back and took Frank's hand. "Yes, I am. Ah, well, it's very nice to meet you," he said swallowing that Dwayne wasn't actually in one of his classes. "What can I help you with?"

Frank frowned, then glanced off where Dwayne had disappeared too. "He said you wanted to meet me," he said, once he'd turned around.

"He speaks to you?" Remus asked.

"No. No, he does not," Frank corrected, smiling a little.

Remus couldn't help but smile at that. Frank wasn't bad looking once he smiled. His nose was a bit thin and pointy, and he was probably a good ten years older than Remus. It wasn't as though Remus hadn't fucked and been fucked by older men before, though. Remus didn't normally like beards, but it sort of worked for Frank. "Good, then it's not just me," Remus said. "Look, I think I know what this is about. Coffee?"

Frank looked a bit confused at first, but then he glanced over his shoulder once more and shook his head. "He just set me up with one of his teachers, that little _shit_ ," he breathed, then looked back at Remus with a brand new smile, and an appraising look in his eyes that hadn't been there before. He hesitated, and then finally said, "Sure. Why not?"

 

 

It wasn't until after they were seated at the cafe that Remus noticed the deep red scars that ran up Franks wrists, or the slightly sad look his eyes had when he wasn't paying attention. They chatted about teaching and Proust, and Remus guiltily admitted he'd not read Proust's writing.

"It's all right. No one has, really," Frank replied.

"You have. America's preeminent Proust scholar, right?" Remus said, smiling.

Frank smiled and took a sip of his tea. "Right." He glanced out the window again. "You really don't have to do this just because of Dwayne."

Remus frowned. "I'm not. I'm doing it because you have nice eyes," he said bluntly, and Frank glanced back at him quickly. "You ought to smile more," Remus added.

Frank frowned for a moment in thought, then smiled slowly. "Thank you," he said, and nodded a little. 

Remus could tell he didn't quite believe him. He wanted to ask what had happened to Frank to cause him to be this way. The man was charming, if awkward. He was attractive and quite smart. Of course, even if Frank told him, Remus knew he couldn't do anything to help Frank. Remus had been filling the emptiness he felt in his life with sex and alcohol. He was in no position to give advice or help. He tried to ignore the scars on Frank's wrists again.

"Would you like to come to my flat for drinks?" he asked. That might make them both feel better.

Frank actually looked surprised this time. He coughed and gave Remus another appraising look, then his smile grew wider. Remus beamed at him in return.

"All right," Frank said, then nodded and flagged down someone for their check. He paid and then he and Remus started out of the cafe. "How do you get around in Albuquerque without a car?"

Remus' lips twitched as he slid into the passenger seat of Frank's car, but he didn't answer. He was mentally going over in his head whether or not he had cleaned up all the evidence of his previous night's guest or not.

Once they arrived, Remus poured himself and Frank a drink and settled on his sofa with Frank, drawing his knees up on the couch so that he was facing Frank. He gazed at the other man for a long moment, tracing the lines of his face and neck, and Frank looked back, seeming a little sad again. After a moment, Remus couldn't stop himself. He took a sip of his whiskey and set the glass down, then curled his hand around Franks wrist.

Frank's eyes fluttered shut. "I don't want a pity fuck."

Remus' lips curled and he moved to slide into Frank's lap. Frank didn't open his eyes. Remus sifted his fingers through Frank's fringe, pushing it off his face to kiss Frank's forehead. "That's not what this is," he said. It wasn't, really. It was something he thought they both could use. He cupped Frank's face in his hands and kissed his mouth, liking the thick beard that scraped his lips. He didn't move until Frank responded a few moments later, making a little noise of need in his throat.

Remus stroked his fingers down Frank's face and neck, them brushed the backs of his hands down the front of Frank's chest. Frank's hands were much less subtle and moved to squeeze Remus' arse a moment later. Remus laughed softly and licked his lips. "All right," he whispered, and tugged at Frank's shirt until Frank lifted his arms and let it come off. Frank pulled Remus' off as well and then stood, picking Remus up with him.

Remus wrapped his arms around Frank's shoulders and his legs around Frank's hips and clung to him. He was surprised by the powerful gesture, but enjoyed it nonetheless. None of Remus' other fucks carried him to bed. The only times they ever lifted Remus was when they wanted Remus at their complete mercy. This was different, but still strong and bolder than he expected.

Frank started toward the kitchen, his beard scratching Remus' neck as he licked Remus' skin, and then Frank stopped and looked up at Remus. "Wait. Where's the bedroom?" he asked.

Remus laughed and pointed the other direction, and Frank turned around and walked Remus to the bed. 

If Remus hadn't expected to be carried, he certainly hadn't expected sweet, sad-eyed Frank to be so demanding in bed. Frank drove into Remus like no one else had since he'd come to New Mexico. Remus was screaming with pleasure when Frank stilled and came. 

Without much pause to catch his breath, Frank ducked down to take Remus' cock in his mouth. Remus hadn't caught his breath either - was, in fact, feeling a little dizzy. He curled his fingers against Frank's fuzzy cheek as Frank's head moved up and down over him. Remus came with enough force that he cried out again, and then sagged lifelessly against the mattress.

 _Oh_ , he might have to see Frank again. He wondered what else the other man was so talented at.

When Frank collapsed next to him, Remus turned a lazy, sated smile on him, which bloomed even more on his face at the unexpected, near-cocky expression on Frank's. 

"That was brilliant," Remus murmured.

Frank's smile went slightly shy, but he just nodded and rolled onto his back. Remus closed his eyes and dropped his hand to his side to lazily stroke Frank's chest with his knuckles. After a moment, Frank closed his hand on Remus' and let it rest against his rapidly-beating heart.

"I think I owe Dwayne a book," Frank breathed. "I don't think he has The Birth of Tragedy yet."

Remus grinned and rolled over to press his face to Frank's shoulder.


	24. Part Twenty-four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in the time frame from the last chapter all the way to Prisoner of Azkaban.

Frank read Remus Proust in bed. It started after another rousing shag that had led to both a murmured talk of Proust's treatment of homosexuality in his writing and a bemused look on Remus' face at the random literature lesson.

Frank smiled a self-deprecating smile and apologised a moment later, and Remus moved to nose Frank's jaw. "Don't be sorry," Remus whispered, "It's interesting."

That was all it took for Frank to bring over In Search of Lost Time on his next visit and start reading it aloud as Remus lay naked and half-awake in his arms.

They never really discussed what they were doing or what they got from one another, but they clearly they found each other beneficial on more than one level. Frank was older and, Remus conceded, _wiser_ than him. It was always the smart ones that were so bloody hard on themselves, and Remus hoped he relieved at least some of Frank's burden. It was nice, too, Remus thought, to once again have someone constant in his life. And Frank, well, he did seem to be happy... happier than he was when Remus met him, at least.

Remus still avoided Dwayne at school, mostly because he didn't want to know if Frank had any other favourite new students, just like he doubted Frank wanted to know that Remus still went to the clubs on occasion, when the time between seeing Frank last and seeing Frank again seemed to stretch on too long.

Remus was afraid and he knew it. He was afraid to let Frank become too important to him. After Frank finally told him why he'd tried to kill himself, however, Remus thought Frank probably felt the same way.

Frank seemed to relish the authority he had when teaching, and his reading usually ended in long-winded conversation (well monologue, really, as Remus tended to just listen) about what he'd just read. Remus wondered if it was why he'd taken up with students in the first place, and quickly offered Frank the same level of authority with him. He'd let Frank tie him up on all fours and spank him until Remus' arse was raw, all while whimpering promises that he'd do better on his next 'oral exam.'

"Professor Ginsberg," Remus whispered into Frank's ear one night. It was about one in the morning, but Remus was wide awake. 

Frank blinked at Remus groggily, and smiled slowly, still mostly asleep. "Mmph, Remus, it's the middle of the night."

Remus grinned and kissed Frank, who was still too asleep to do anything but kiss back too late. The only disadvantage of older men, Remus had decided, was that you couldn't convince them to have sex whenever and wherever you wanted. 

"I know," Remus murmured. He kissed Frank's jaw and neck. "Did I ever tell you I went to a private school?"

Frank blinked a little harder this time before he made an unintelligible noise, then mumbled, "Did you have to wear a uniform?"

Remus breathed a laugh, because that was exactly what he was hoping to hear, and stroked his hand over Frank's partially hard cock through his pants. "Yes. I'd wear one for you, if you wanted."

Frank groaned and rocked up against Remus' hand, even as he mumbled, "s'too late for this. Have t'teach at seven."

Remus pushed Frank's pants down and curled his fingers around Frank's prick. "Would you like that, professor? Could gag me with my tie, push me over the desk, pull my trousers down and fuck me into the wood..."

Frank tried to protest again, but all that came out was, "Mmmphnnnaah," as Remus slid down his body and sucked his cock into his mouth.

The very next day, Frank had shown up at Remus' flat with a private school uniform, looking tired from lack of sleep the night before. He had every intention of making Remus' suggestions come true, however, and in less than a half an hour, Remus was bent over his study desk. He was fully dressed in the uniform Frank had brought, except for the way his trousers and pants were pulled down from behind, exposing his arse. The uniform tie had long since been balled up and shoved in his mouth, and all Remus could manage to do was whimper through the wad of fabric.

His hands were clutching the opposite corners of the desk as Frank's hand came down on his arse. "You failed your exam, Mr. Lupin."

"I'm sorry", Remus said, but it sounded more like "Mmy mowwy."

"There is no excuse for failing," Frank went on, and his hand came down again. Remus made a muffled cry, his hips first drawing in and away from the slap and then relaxing back, after he caught his breath. 

It might have been funny that this was what Frank liked if it wasn't so fucking gorgeous. Frank was a genuinely unassuming and gentle man, who loathed his brother-in-law's sense of 'only losers fail' (he'd expounded upon it on more than one occasion), but like this, with Remus' arse on display and all for Frank, Frank was in charge. 

Frank's hand smoothed over Remus where he'd just been smacked, causing Remus' skin to prickle, and once the warmth of Frank's hand soothed the burn, he smacked Remus skin again. This time Remus screamed through the makeshift gag, pulling away from the sting until Frank's finger slid inside him. He pushed back against it, feeling sweat break across his forehead.

"How are you prepared to make up for it?" Frank asked, and Remus tried to answer, but only managed a garbled string of consonants. "I didn't understand that," Frank said. "I think you need a good fucking." 

Frank pulled the tie out of Remus' mouth. "Yes, please," Remus begged, his prick full and straining against the way his trousers were still zipped in the front.

"Yes, please, what?"

"Please, Professor Ginsberg. Please fuck me," Remus whimpered.

Frank slid inside Remus in one swift push that made Remus cry out and grip the desk harder, his knuckles going white as Frank quickly started to thrust, driving into Remus with enough force that the desk started to slide under them. Frank's hand came down against Remus' arse again. Remus screamed and arched his back, and Frank's hand fisted itself in Remus' hair and pulled, forcing Remus' body to stay in that position. "Fuck, fuck, professor," Remus panted. "So-- fucking-- hard!"

Frank pulled at Remus' hair once hard and then groaned, and Remus felt the body behind him still as Frank came. As soon as Frank pulled out, Remus slid to his knees. Frank pinned Remus' hands to the desk, and Remus looked up at Frank. "Please touch me," he said, his hips thrusting against the minimal friction he was getting from his trousers.

Frank bent and kissed him, which was awkward upside down, but still sent more and more need racing through Remus. He made a needy noise against Franks' mouth and squirmed, but didn't try to pull his hands out from under Frank's.

"What do you say?" Frank murmured.

"Frank, please," Remus whispered desperately.

"What was that?"

"Please, professor," Remus begged.

Frank's fingers circled Remus' wrists and pulled Remus' hands behind him, pressing them together in a silent command to clasp them there. Remus obeyed, and then found the tie shoved back in his mouth. He moaned around it when Frank licked over his neck, jerking roughly at his trousers and pants, and when Frank swallowed his cock, Remus cried out one last time and came into the wet heat.

Later, when they were sprawled back on the floor, Frank gave Remus a goofy, lazy grin. "I can't believe you let me do that."

Remus smiled and kissed him. "I like you," he said, and wrapped his arms around Frank. "Now tell me more about that Frenchman you like so well."

 

 

Remus was glad they kept it simple. All good things in Remus' life tended to end rather abruptly, but at least when Frank left, there were no tears. Still, when Frank had told him they needed to talk, Remus irrationally felt as though he was being dumped at first. Then he reminded himself he couldn't actually be dumped in this case.

Frank had accepted a teaching job in Arizona, and was moving. He looked genuinely upset at having to leave Remus behind, and Remus had genuinely been inclined to follow Frank. Ultimately, his fear kicked in again, and Remus let Frank say his goodbyes. 

"I love you, you know," Frank said, his fringe sticking to his forehead after having shagged Remus rotten that night. His tone was casual, and Remus knew what sort of love Frank meant.

It was mutual, though. Remus didn't think he was in love with Frank, but he certainly had grown to love him in his own way. He climbed on top of Frank and kissed him. "I know." He stroked his fingers down Frank's face. "I love you too. Best friendship I've had in my adult life."

Frank snorted. "You're still a kid. Wait until you hit forty-five."

"I'm bloody thirty. Shut up, old man," Remus had quipped and kissed Frank again.

They saw each other on occasion, when Frank came in to visit relatives. Remus was tempted many times to take a day trip to Mesa, but never could. He told himself he was being foolish. He went back to the clubs and tried to convince himself he was happy getting fucked by strange men again, but somehow the excitement was lost. He'd needed all that nearly a decade earlier, needed the escape, but one bloody teenager that looked like Peter had introduced him to someone that reminded him what it was he wanted all along, from the very beginning: something real.

Sometimes, Remus found himself wondering if Peter was orchestrating the whole thing from wherever he was when Remus watched Dwayne leave the campus in the afternoons.

The years passed as they always did, with occasional visits from Frank and regular sex from irregular men. It was a hot August night when Remus' life took another swing in a direction he didn't expect. He'd been at the club most of the night, and wound up with two rather fit blokes who were more than willing to drive his inebriated arse home.

They'd all three toppled into bed once they got there and spent the night touching and sucking and fucking each other raw until they were all three slick with sweat and come. They were slumped in a tangle of limbs, half asleep, when the knock came at Remus' front door. He blinked and then shifted out from under his companions.  
"Where are you--?"

"Knock," Remus answered groggily, "Front door." He pulled on his pyjama bottoms, wondering who the hell would come by this late, and did a furtive Scourgify on himself as he opened the door, praying it wasn't Frank.

Of course, Frank would have been welcome, once Remus realised who was really on the other side. 

Albus Dumbledore was peering down at Remus, dressed in brightly coloured Muggle clothes. "Hello, dear boy."

Remus shifted his weight and crossed his arms over his bare chest. "Um..."

"You coming back to bed, honey?" one of the men called from his bedroom.

 _Oh God_. Well, Remus was officially out of the closet to one of the most powerful wizards in the world now. He closed his eyes and wished he could disappear. Albus didn't say a word, though, and Remus slipped outside and shut the door behind him. "What are you-- How did you find me?"

"How are you finding yourself?" Albus asked mildly, but the question caused a frown on Remus's face. "You know as well as I do, Remus, that it's easy to track men with your condition as long as they continue to abide by the rules and regulations put upon them," Albus answered belatedly. "I didn't suspect you would become reckless where that was concerned."

Remus sighed and leaned against the wall of his flat, then did a quick silencing charm when a lewd noise sounded through the door. "It's two in the bloody morning," he grumbled.

"I apologise, Remus. I've just had breakfast, and it was the only time I had to spare to come here."

"Mind that seven hour time difference," Remus muttered and then looked back at Albus. "Why are you here?"

"Because I'd like to offer you a teaching job," Albus said, his eyes twinkling at Remus.

Remus stared at him, disbelieving, and then shook his head, his lips curving into a grim smile. "I haven't seen you in over a decade and you show up in the middle of the night to offer me a job?" he said.

"Yes," Albus replied. He seemed nearly amused by Remus' reaction and Remus had to fight his irritation.

Remus stared at the wall and tried to loosen the sudden tension in his jaw. "I've been living in a Muggle neighborhood and teaching at a Muggle school for years now, Albus."

"Just like riding a bike."

"What if I say I don't want to go back?" Remus asked.

"I would say that you can't very well hide for the rest of your life," Albus returned.

That did it. "I lost _everything_ ," Remus snapped finally, though clenched teeth. He turned his gaze back on Albus. "I lost everyone. _You_ made me a murderer for nothing, and everything I loved is _gone_."

Albus dropped his eyes to the ground for a moment, the briefest sign of remorse flitting across his features and then disappearing. "He's back, Remus."

It took a moment for the words to sink in, but once they did, Remus felt his entire body go cold. He shook his head automatically. "He can't be," he breathed.

Albus just looked back up and fixed Remus with a look that was somehow mild and stern at the same time, a look which conveyed that what Albus was saying was very much a reality. "You haven't been keeping up with Wizarding news, have you?"

Remus shook his head.

"Did you know Harry will be attending his third year at Hogwarts this coming year?" 

Remus' jaw clenched. Once he had gotten some distance from the war, he'd seen how easily he had let Albus manipulate him in the past. Remus had walked straight into Greyback's pack for Albus, when it went against everything Remus felt was right at the time. He knew that Albus knew what mentioning Harry would do to Remus. "Damn it, Albus, I have a life here!" he snapped, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it was never the life he wanted. And now that Frank was gone, there really wasn't much here for him.

Not for the first time, Remus wondered how subtle Albus' Legilimency could be, because he didn't feel anything different, but Albus asked, "Is this all you wanted?" anyway. "He's the spitting image of James," he went on, "with Lily's eyes."

Remus drew a breath, looking anywhere but at Albus, though he could see out of the corner of his eye that Albus was still watching him.

"I'm attempting to pull together some key Order members, just to be prepared," Albus said, then paused, and when he spoke again his voice was soft. "Help me protect him."

"Albus, I'm not even allowed to teach if I go back."

Albus looked at him for a long moment, tilting his head thoughtfully. "Remus, my boy..." He shook his head. "You really have been doing yourself a great disservice by keeping yourself so distant from the Wizarding world. Have you not heard of the Wolfsbane potion?"

Remus finally looked back at Albus, but he just stared. Wolfsbane? He shook his head.

Albus smiled. "It's new. It would allow you to keep your human mind whilst transformed each month."

Remus was still staring at Albus, barely hearing what he was saying. This was a dream. It had to be a bloody dream.

"There are very few who can brew it properly, and I happen to have one of them teaching Potions at the school. Severus has agreed to brew it for you should you return."

"Seve--" Remus breathed. Oh, well, now he _knew_ he really was dreaming.

"Oh! Dear me, I almost forgot," Albus said. It would have sounded almost sweet and grandfatherly, if it weren't for the look that accompanied the words. Albus looked at him with deep sadness and sympathy in his eyes. "Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban last month."

Remus felt the ground fall out from underneath him. He found himself shaking his head before he could form words, but eventually managed to stammer, "It's-- it's not-- possible."

Albus' lips pulled into a thin line. "It is," he said.

"I..." Remus started, but then he didn't know what to say. What could he possibly say?

Albus nodded. "Think about it. I'll expect a response in a few days." He reached out and patted Remus' cheek. "I do wish that you will accept my offer, but if not, do look into competent brewers around here and..." He darted a significant glance at the door of Remus' flat. "Take care of yourself."

Remus barged into his flat and slammed the door, trying to quell the swirl of emotion racing through him. It took less than fifteen minutes after Albus left for Remus to kick two groggy and thoroughly put out, nearly-naked men out of his flat. However, five hours later, Remus was still pacing his front room. His eyes burned and he probably stank of alcohol - in fact, he probably looked like shit when Albus had been by too - but he hardly cared. It was at least lucky it was a weekend.

It was eight o'clock in the morning when Remus finally sat down, heavy-eyed, and penned a note.

_Dear Frank,_

_I'm going to be leaving the States next week for a teaching position in Scotland. It is likely that I won't be returning. At least not anytime soon._

_I would love to see you before I go._

_Love,  
Remus_

 

 

It was weird being back in Scotland. Remus had grown used to the flat, sometimes twangy, southwestern American accents, and the dry desert landscape over the last few years. He took his first trip in four years to Loch Ness, and talked to Peter before arriving at the school to an unexpectedly warm reception. He walked into the staff meeting room, and someone shouted, "Remus Lupin!"

Remus darted a glance over and saw Minerva walking towards him. She looked a bit like she wanted to hug him, but wasn't sure she should. Hagrid solved that a moment later, though, when he thudded over and hugged Remus hard enough to nearly crush him, lifting Remus off his feet. "Blimey, Remus," Hagrid said, and a huge tear hit Remus' shoulder before he was placed clumsily back down.

He coughed, and rubbed his crushed chest. " _Merlin_."

"Don't _Merlin_ us, young man, we haven't seen you in ages," Minerva chided.

As she talked, Remus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, and scanned the room. His smile slid when his eyes fell on Severus, who was sitting across the room, staring at Remus, expressionless. Remus' lips parted. He wondered if he should say something. Then Albus cleared his throat and called the first staff meeting of the school year to order.

 

 

It was well past midnight (though it still felt like tea time to Remus) when he heard his office door open behind him. 

"Well, the only remaining member of the golden four returns."

Remus turned around to see Severus standing in his doorway. _God, he looked good_. He'd grown into his nose and his lanky body had filled out a bit. "Severus," Remus said, smiling, though he wasn't quite sure what to expect after so long had passed. "Are you implying that I was received so well today because of some lingering pity? Poor Lupin, gone for twelve years, wallowing in his sorrow?"

"Ever the quick one," Severus drawled.

"Ever the bastion of hope," Remus countered. He tilted his head. "I must admit that I was surprised to see you here, of all places."

"Probably as surprised as I was to find myself here twelve years ago." Severus took a step into the room and closed the door behind him.

Remus glanced up, surprised, but he didn't say anything. He just set about unpacking more of his things and wondering if the House Elves would mind making him something to eat this late at night, considering he was still Apparition-lagged and was bloody starving. 

"Where have you been, Lupin?" Severus asked.

"America," Remus said.

"Doing what?"

"Teaching," Remus replied, then his lips quirked a little and he looked back up at Severus. "And wallowing in my sorrow, as previously indicated."

"More grey hair to prove it."

Remus stopped what he was doing and looked up, suddenly wanting to ask why Severus was here. He hadn't explained himself. He'd just walked in. In the middle of the night. Remus swallowed and crossed the room, stopping just a foot in front of Severus. Which was a bad idea in retrospect, because he hadn't forgotten what Severus could do to him, and Severus was even better looking now.

"I'm not seventeen anymore," Remus murmured, his voice low due to their proximity.

Severus' black eyes burned into Remus' for a moment, and Remus held his gaze, wishing his stomach didn't feel fluttery. _Damn it_ , what was it about Severus that after all these years...

Severus started to lean in, and Remus' heart thudded violently in his chest, and suddenly the memory of Frank flooded his mind, along with the memory of all that Frank had reminded Remus he wanted and everything Severus had thrown away so many years ago. Remus turned his head before Severus reached his lips, but Remus reached up and pressed his hand to Severus' chest to keep him from leaving.

Remus ducked his head and caught Severus' eyes. "And I'm not as easily thrown away anymore, either."


	25. Part Twenty-five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prisoner of Azkaban era.

Severus didn't try to kiss Remus again. At least not until the following night after they had eaten dinner with the rest of the staff in the decidedly quiet Great Hall. It was weird being in the school before the students were in it. Remus had experienced it on a smaller scale in the public school system in New Mexico and in the Wizarding school on Staten Island. That had never seemed so strange, but sitting at the staff table in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, with every sound you made echoing off the stone walls and staring at the four vast tables that would be overflowing with students in a week was a little overwhelming. It was intimidating, too, to be back teaching where you had been taught, sitting at that table with your former teachers who were now colleagues. It was intimidating even without the knowledge that the position Remus had taken was considered cursed.

Remus tried not to think about that. Sirius Black was out there somewhere, trying to kill James' son. Remus wasn't so much concerned with himself.

Remus was walking back to his office when it happened. Something slid down the inside of his arm from behind, and when he spun, Severus was there, grasping his wrist.

"Twelve years is a long time." He was so close Remus had to tilt his head back to meet Severus' eyes.

He glanced around them. The entrance hall was empty, and Remus had to plant his feet where they were to keep from stepping back. He had a feeling Severus was trying to intimidate him, though he wasn't sure why. Still, standing where he was, so close to Severus, made Remus feel a little lightheaded. "It is," he breathed. Something didn't seem quite right about this, that Severus was so close where anyone could walk in, but Remus didn't have time to think before Severus was trying to kiss him again.

This time he did step back and fist his hands in the front of Severus' robes. "What are you doing?" he asked sharply.

Severus scowled, but stood back up to his full height. "Have you honestly allowed yourself to become that rusty, Lupin?"

Remus' eyes narrowed, and he leaned towards Severus. "Actually, I could probably teach you a few things now," he hissed, "I'm simply not interested in becoming your toy again." He spun on his heels and left Severus standing in the Great Hall. He didn't look back over his shoulder. He forced himself not to. But he was certain he'd seen a flash of surprise flit across Severus' face just before he turned.

Remus wasn't exactly sure why he kept Severus distant. No, that wasn't true. He knew that it was his shared history with Severus that kept him distant. He had cared for Severus quite a bit in school and been chucked like it was nothing. He had no desire to fall for Severus again, and Remus had a feeling he would, only for it to happen again. If Severus were anyone else, he might have fallen in bed with him easily. It wasn't as though he had any qualms with flings and one night stands.

Still, he tried to ignore the way Severus looked at him - not just looked at him, _watched_ him. It sent a funny little jolt through Remus he couldn't deny, even if he tried to. After a while, Remus found himself baiting Severus. He'd curse himself privately. He'd spent far too much time in clubs over the years. It was almost ingrained. He'd lean over a desk to pick something up, and let his hip pop out to the side to catch Severus' eye when he knew Severus was behind him. He'd hold Severus' gaze too long or smile too kindly at him.

It was sort of interesting having the power for once. When they'd been together in school, Remus had always bent to Severus' will, always done what Severus wanted of him. Severus had told him he had no self-respect. After so many years of not knowing what he wanted, it all seemed so clear now, standing in the presence of Severus. There was something wonderful about watching Severus' lip twitch when Remus would tease and walk away. He shouldn't be doing it. He knew that. But Severus obviously wanted him. It was almost payback.

Almost.

It was two days until the beginning of term when Severus fell into stride behind Remus as he walked out to the grounds. He'd been meaning to go out and get some fresh air as he went over his lesson plans. It would be impossible to do so once the castle was full of excited students.

"Lupin," Severus said.

"Severus," Remus replied brightly.

"What are you doing?" Severus ground out.

Remus smiled, looking up at Severus with false innocence. He knew very well what Severus meant. He had, in fact, been waiting for an outburst of some sort. "I was going to sit out on the grounds and revise my lesson plans," he responded, as calm as could be. "You know--"

"You know full well what I meant."

"I do?"

"You're even more of a tart than you used to be," Severus snarled, his voice low and vicious. 

Remus' smile grew. "A tart? Not a whore or a slut anymore? I thought you liked all that." Remus could see the lines of Severus' jaw go tight. "Oh, I suppose you only like it when you can have it and tell it what to do." 

Remus turned to look at Severus just in time to see Severus round on him, and gasped as Severus shoved him back against the stone wall. Severus' lips were crushed against Remus' next, and Remus struggled for a moment under the sudden assault, but Severus wrestled his arms down and pushed the backs of Remus' hands to the wall. Merlin help him, Remus was already growing hard just having Severus' body pressed this closely, but he still managed to choke out, "Stop!"

Severus growled and pressed his own growing erection against Remus' and Remus shifted against it automatically, biting his lip to keep from moaning. God, this wasn't supposed to be happening. Remus yanked away from Severus' hands again, but Severus subdued him once more. "Be still," Severus whispered, and his tone of voice actually shocked Remus a little. It was cool and soft... and soothing. Remus hadn't ever thought it possible for Severus to sound that way.

Remus stopped struggling after that, and Severus' lips worked over his neck, licking at Remus' skin. "Severus, I told you--"

"Shut up, Lupin," Severus said, his tone still soft, though a hint of aggression had worked through the soothing quality. His fingers had Remus' shirt pushed open a moment later, and Severus' fingers were working on Remus' trousers.

"We're in the middle of a corridor," Remus panted. "I'm supposed to be a professor!" Long fingers curled around his cock and Severus slid to his knees. "Fuck!" Remus panted. "I said no!" He reached down to push at Severus, but found his hands tied above him and his lips under some sort of sticking charm. He was about to kick Severus, but his mind went fuzzy the next moment when Severus' lips covered his now fully hard cock.

Fuck, it was just as good as Remus remembered, the slide of Severus' lips, the flick of his tongue against the head of Remus' cock. Remus whimpered in both helplessness and pleasure, both feelings warring inside him, until the pleasure started to win out. Severus was getting his way, yes, but it wasn't as thought Remus didn't want him. He just wanted Severus on his own terms. After a moment, Remus started to thrust, working his hips forward and into Severus' mouth as Severus lips moved down on him. To his surprise, Severus moaned, and fisted his hand against the bulge in his own trousers.

The cold stone scraped against Remus' arse as he pushed, pivoting his hips, fucking Severus' mouth, and once he got going, Severus released the the spells on his hands and and lips. Remus fisted his hands in Severus' hair and pulled Severus toward him, pulling until he had forced himself as far down Severus' throat as he could go. It was deep enough to gag Severus, but Severus didn't fight it. He curled his fingers into Remus' hips, his nails digging in hard until Remus released him. Severus leaned back, gasping, and Remus couldn't take his eyes off the way Severus' body was limp, almost submissive.

"Is this what you wanted?"

Severus cracked his eyes open and looked up at him, heat returning to his gaze, and then he dragged his tongue along the underside of Remus' cock without breaking eye contact. Remus closed his fingers in Severus' oily hair and Severus swallowed him again. When Remus started to thrust again, pulling Severus toward him as he did, a low rumble started to work its way through his chest. He stilled and forced Severus to take him deeply again. Severus' nails dug into his skin once more, and Remus growled.

He could feel something at the head of his cock, air trying to escape, and it sent a rush of excitement through him. When he let Severus go this time, Severus moaned softly and took Remus into his mouth again immediately. Remus wasn't sure when Severus had pulled open his own trousers, but his hand was sliding over his own cock quickly now. Severus took Remus as deeply as he could, and Remus shoved himself into Severus' mouth again. Remus was already so close, and the sight of Severus' lips stretched wide around his cock, and his fists flying over his cock sent a wave of need and power through Remus.

He let Severus go just before he came, not wanting to actually choke Severus, and Severus swallowed as Remus came in his mouth. Remus was too limp from orgasm to notice, but Severus must have come too, because a moment later Severus was moaning quietly around Remus' cock, and when Remus slumped to the floor, Severus' hand wasn't moving over his cock anymore.

Remus was panting hard, slumped against the stone, when Severus leaned in to kiss him again, this time a slow, languid kiss, and Remus was too sated to do anything but whimper and returned it. It lasted a lot longer than Remus thought it should, and then Severus' fingers were brushing Remus' cheek, and Severus' body was pressed close, his chest against Remus'. 

"Is it this difficult for everyone to get a proper kiss, Lupin?"

Remus opened his eyes, surprised, searching Severus' face for any sign that those words might hold the meaning that made Remus' heart jump, but Severus just leaned in and kissed him again.


	26. Part Twenty-six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prisoner of Azkaban era.

_Is it this difficult for everyone to get a proper kiss, Lupin?_

The words rang in Remus' ear for days before Remus actually did anything about them. The memory of that kiss, the way Severus' body had been pressed against Remus', found its way into Remus' dreams. In that moment, Remus had started to wonder just how much Severus had changed. In the moments since, Remus couldn't stop thinking about it. He'd woken in the middle of the night with an erection on more than one occasion, and he sincerely hoped that would stop before classes started.

It didn't. The first week of classes Remus was exhausted from late night wanks.

It was the end of the first week of classes before he simply started waking up sticky and breathless, and then he was even more irked because he wasn't even able to enjoy the fantasies fully if he was sleeping through them. The following day, Remus cornered Severus in one of the many staff rooms, and backed him into a corner. 

"All you wanted was a proper kiss?" Remus asked, tilting his head curiously.

Severus had, at first, looked alarmed, but at Remus' words he swallowed and held Remus' gaze. "I'm not seventeen anymore either," Severus said.

Remus looped an arm around Severus' waist and pulled him close, kissing him deeply until they were both breathless. When he pulled back, Severus looked flushed and Remus smiled... then turned around and left the room.

It felt good to be in control of the way things were going with Severus. If Remus was going to allow himself to indulge in anything with Severus, he was not going to give Severus the upper hand as he once had. He'd see how far the just-wanting-a-kiss business would go before Severus cracked and demanded Remus finally suck him off like a "good wolf" as he had in school.

Remus started ambushing Severus everywhere he could, kissing him. Sometimes he'd let his hands wander, stroking his fingers over Severus' arse. Those were the days it was more difficult to focus. Severus was better looking than he ever was, and Remus wanted him. Still, he always managed to remind himself that Severus just wanted sex like he always had, and that that was not what Remus wanted anymore. Severus would crack eventually, and in doing so, Remus would know what it was that Severus really wanted.

Remus tried not to hope for too much.

It was almost a shock when the first month of school had passed and Severus hadn't demanded anything more than the sporadic kisses he was getting. Remus wondered if Severus knew he was playing a game.

The first full moon of the school year came at the very end of the first month. A few days before the moon, Remus was feeling nervous and, as usual this time of the month, more aggressive than he normally was. Severus arrived in Remus' chambers a good twenty minutes before the staff meeting Albus had called. There were just a few people attending - Minerva, Poppy, Severus and Albus - and Remus wondered if this meeting had anything to do with the approaching moon.

Severus set a steaming goblet on the table in front of Remus, and Remus' eyes traveled from it up Severus' slender form. 

"This it, then?" Remus asked, holding Severus' gaze before letting his eyes fall to Severus' neck. It felt good to let the wolfish side of him show after years of shagging Muggles and having to swallow instinct. Part of Remus knew he was also testing Severus, trying to see just how much it would take for Severus to drop him again, and even if it did feel good, Remus wished he didn't feel quite so much like shoving Severus against the wall and fucking him raw.

"What else would it be?" Severus answered, his tone flat.

Remus glanced down at the goblet. He wanted to ask questions. No, actually, he wanted to bite Severus and feel his blood coursing under Remus' tongue. He wished he was more inclined to ask questions. "I'm supposed to drink this every night this week?"

"Yes."

"And... how do you know it will work?"

Severus blinked at him for a moment. "Are you questioning my competence?"

"No," Remus said quickly, looking back up at Severus. "No, it just... seems unreal... what it's supposed to do." He shook his head and lifted the goblet. "Anyway, cheers," he added, toasting Severus before starting to drink. He could smell the bitterness before it hit his tongue, but that wasn't nearly enough warning for the way the sludge actually tasted. Remus gagged and put the goblet down, trying not to sputter and spit what was in his mouth out. By the time he finally swallowed it, his eyes were watering. "Fuck," he managed to croak after a minute, and when he glanced up at Severus, Severus was smirking. "Think that's funny?"

Remus pushed out of his chair and walked around the desk, then pulled Severus against him, kissing him hungrily. Severus was frowning at the taste when Remus pulled away, which was exactly what Remus wanted, but now that he was so close to Severus and the moon just days away, Remus didn't want to let go. He cast a quick Scourigfy on both their mouths and kissed Severus again.

Severus fisted his hands in Remus' hair, and Remus growled lightly, feeling Severus' fingers tighten as he did. Remus let his hands slide down Severus' body, and he pulled them both together, their cocks pressing together through the fabric of their clothes, which was by far more than he'd done any of the other times he had snogged Severus. 

"Fuck," Severus panted, "Remus."

Remus' fingers slid into the top of Severus' trousers and pulled.

"We have the meeting," Severus reminded Remus, and Remus growled in frustration.

He pulled Severus toward his chambers, and pushed Severus toward the bed. "This will be quick, then," Remus said, and Severus looked slightly surprised, but he slid back onto Remus' bed anyway. Remus climbed over him and bit down into Severus' neck, feeling tiny blood vessels burst under the skin when he did. Severus cried out, his breath going ragged. His fingers scraped at Remus' back and Remus laved his tongue over the hot, abused skin as he pulled open Severus' trousers.

"Do you remember the things you used to say to me, Severus?" Remus whispered, his fingers stroking Severus' cock once he shoved Severus' trousers and pants down. "Do you remember telling me to be a good wolf?" Severus made a needy noise and thrust against Remus' hand, but then Remus moved his hand and started to fumble in his bedside drawer. When he found what he was looking for, a rather sizable butt plug, he moved it back to the bed. "Do you remember?" Remus asked, doing a wordless lubrication spell on Severus.

"Yes," Severus panted. He grasped at Remus' shirt and tried to pull, but Remus didn't lift his arms and it wound up bunched under them.

"I think it's time for you to be my pet, Severus," Remus whispered, and started to work the toy inside of Severus. Severus gasped and froze, his fingers digging into Remus' skin, and Remus couldn't stop the low, possessive growl at the way Severus' features twisted in pleasure. He licked at the purpling bite mark on Severus' neck, then picked another spot and bit down again.

Severus cried out again and squirmed under Remus, panting as Remus worked the widest part of the toy into him. Once the widest part passed into Severus, the toy slipped into place, the base nestled between Severus' arse cheeks. Remus couldn't help but smile against Severus' skin. He licked up Severus' neck to kiss Severus, drawing the kiss out and pressing his body down against Severus', feeling the heat of Severus' arousal against him. "We've got a meeting to attend," Remus whispered, then pulled back.

Severus looked a little surprised. His breath was still wild as he looked up at Remus, but Remus smiled at him. 

"Leave it in," he murmured, then set about casting a Glamour on Severus' neck.


	27. Part Twenty-seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prisoner of Azkaban era.

It was difficult to pay attention during the meeting. Remus found himself wanting to watch Severus, who was wearing the toy underneath his clothes. Not only was it difficult to pay attention, it was even harder not to become aroused at the idea. Severus was sitting just as stiffly as usual, making biting remarks every so often, and treating the entire thing as if it were beneath him, tending to a werewolf's needs, and only Remus knew what Severus had allowed that werewolf to do to him earlier that evening.

Severus didn't come back to Remus' chambers after the staff meeting. It would have been easy enough to dismiss that, if it weren't for the fact that Severus stopped making personal visits to deliver the Wolfsbane as well. For the remainder of the week leading up to the full moon, Remus had come back to his chambers in the evenings to find the potion left on his desk under a stasis charm.

He'd pushed too far. He realised this too late, of course, and he wasn't entirely certain what to do about it. He'd been trying to manipulate the situation with Severus, after all. In his more vindictive moments, Remus thought it was fitting payback for being so easily chucked when they were students, but Remus hadn't really intended it to be that way. Or had he?

With the exception of Frank, emotionless sex had become such habit that Remus really hadn't stopped to consider what he was doing with Severus, beyond the thought that he refused to allow Severus the upper hand, refused to let Severus hurt him again. Even though Remus had had Peter back when they were students, what Severus did had still stung.

The full moon came and went, and for the first time in Remus' life, Remus was allowed reprise from the wolf. Not its physical form, of course, and while that part was still painful, Remus was awed at having the freedom to not worry about hurting anyone, or hurting himself more than he already was hurt. He'd been so happy the morning after, he hardly noticed the pain when Severus wrapped him in a blanket and put him in bed.

"You're brilliant," Remus mumbled, reaching up to touch Severus' cheek. "Absolutely bloody brilliant."

Severus turned his head out of the touch and left Remus to sleep, and for the following week, Severus avoided Remus' gaze as often as it was possible to do. It wasn't until Remus went to Severus' chambers at the end of the week that Severus actually looked at him.

Remus stepped up to Severus' desk, where Severus sat scribbling furious Ts and Ds on student essays, and murmured, "Severus."

Severus glanced up, then folded his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair, eying Remus warily.

Remus suddenly realised he didn't know what to say. He shifted on his feet. "Are you angry with me?" he asked, knowing full well what the answer was.

"Why would I be?" Severus said, his tone curt.

"You know why," Remus said, then had the distinct feeling they'd had this conversation before, many years ago when Severus had realised Remus was shagging someone other than him.

"I'm not angry, Lupin. I should have expected as much from you. Lost all your friends, and now you compensate for them. No one around to humiliate old Snivellus anymore, so you'll pick up the slack."

Remus frowned deeply, staring at the way Severus' eyes were narrowed at him. "What are you talking about?" he demanded, his voice rising, and when it did, Severus rose from his seat.

"If not that, then this is some sort of retribution," Severus accused.

Remus sputtered, then set his jaw. "Retribution?! For what?!"

"For wounding your fragile sensibilities when we were young?" Severus suggested, his tone mocking.

"Wounding me?!" Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and paced away, but Severus stayed perfectly still, watching Remus. "I had someone else!" Remus shouted. "You didn't--"

"Someone who didn't satisfy you as I did, if you gave me the opportunity to have you for myself first," Severus hissed, cutting Remus off.

It had been true at the time, but now the insult to Remus' dead lover stung worse than anything else Severus had said. " _Fuck you_!" Remus hissed. "At least Peter didn't call me names. He didn't treat me like I meant nothing to him! He was kind and gentle!"

Remus stopped shouting when the look on Severus' face changed abruptly. The lines of anger slid into nothing, Severus' expression going blank. "Pettigrew?" Severus said.

"Yes, Peter!" Remus snarled, still feeling angry even if he didn't quite understand Severus' reaction. He watched as Severus stared at him for another moment, and then sank back into his seat. "What?" Remus asked. He didn't very much appreciate the way Severus looked right now. He knew Severus hadn't liked any of the Marauders, but people were always especially hard on Peter.

Severus just shook his head, and Remus clenched his teeth. "What is it, Severus? You told me I had no self-respect, well now I do. It took me this long, but there is it. You thought you could get away with treating me like a plaything, but you're angry when I do the same, then--"

"Were you not the least displeased with our previous arrangement, Lupin?" Severus cut in, raising his voice again.

"Of course I was!" Remus shouted again. "I wanted something more than just a fuck from you, Severus!"

Severus looked up and caught Remus' gaze, and Remus had to swallow hard before his heart jumped out of his throat. _Oh_. Remus felt his anger leave him in a flash, draining away, but it was replaced with something much more difficult to define. Severus wanted more? It seemed that way, at least. It was as if Remus had been handed something he'd wanted for so long, but now he didn't know what to do with it. Underneath that, there was still a lingering feeling of resentment for the way Severus had looked when Remus brought Peter up, but Remus knew better than to think that Severus' feelings on the other Marauders would have changed over the years.

When Remus looked back up, Severus was still staring at him. Remus wasn't quite sure what to say. "I'll have my toy back then," he murmured.

"Can't," Severus said.

Remus glanced up. Severus still had him fixed with that same look. 

"Why?" Remus asked.

"I'm wearing it."

Remus blinked at Severus for a moment, as Severus' eyes lit from within. There was a sudden jolt of arousal that went through Remus. Severus had liked what Remus had done, he simply hadn't liked the implications and possible consequences of continuing to let Remus dominate him as he was.

"You're... this whole time?" Remus breathed.

"No. I slipped it in while you were looking the other way," Severus said, giving Remus a flat look.

Remus barely noticed the tone. Severus wanted him. He'd sat there fighting with Remus and had Remus' toy inside him the whole time. "Bloody hell," Remus whispered, and Severus smirked.

"Come here, Lupin," Severus said, standing from his chair and walking deeper into his chambers. Remus obeyed, and followed Severus to his bed. "Strip."

"No, you," Remus said, but his gaze was heated on Severus now, and Severus only blinked at him for a moment before he started to pull open the buttons of his shirt, baring his chest and letting his shirt flutter to the floor. He didn't move to his trousers, though. He cocked his head at Remus, and Remus swallowed and started to strip his shirt off as well.

He licked his lips, noticing the bulge that was already evident beneath Severus' trousers, then smirked and mimicked the gesture Severus had used just moments before, inclining his head. _Your turn_. Severus' eyes were busy traveling the expanse of scars over Remus' chest, but he must have seen the gesture from the corner of his eyes, because he started unfastening his trousers then. Remus could tell he was moving purposefully slowly, revealing the faint trail of hair that stretched from Severus' navel to his groin. Remus didn't remember that from when they were teenagers, and he had to force himself not to press his face against it.

When Severus dropped his trousers to the floor, Remus smiled lightly at the way Severus wasn't wearing any pants. "Were you expecting me?"

"Of course not," Severus replied, standing naked and hard in front of Remus. Remus had to remind himself to reciprocate and pull off his own trousers and pants, and then he closed the gap between them, kissing Severus deeply and pressing their bodies together so that their cocks rubbed against each other. 

He slid his hands down Severus' back, over the curve of his arse, and ran the pads of his fingers over the rubbery base of the toy buried inside Severus. "Fuck," he breathed, a new shock of lust washing over him at feeling it there. He pushed a little against it, and Severus made a needy noise.

Remus was extremely aware of the way Severus' body felt against his. Remus hadn't seen Severus naked in fifteen years. Not really. All he'd been getting lately were glimpses. Remus drew his tongue along Severus' jaw and moved one hand to stroke down Severus' chest. His mouth followed his hand, licking and nipping over Severus' chest, sucking at Severus' nipple. He slid down until he was on his knees in front of Severus, unable to keep from sliding his hand between Severus' legs to brush the hilt of the toy inside Severus again.

Somehow, it made him feel powerful to know that Severus had been wearing it, Merlin only knew how often, since that staff meeting, even when Severus had been angry at him. Still, Remus felt almost as though he should offer himself right now, perhaps to make up for having been so manipulative. Remus clasped his hands behind his back in a gesture of submission and tilted his head back to meet Severus' gaze. God, he was beautiful. Remus bent to lick the proud cock in front of him while eying the long expanse of Severus' torso and chest.

Severus drew a slender finger down the side of Remus' face and shook his head. "I want to fuck you," he whispered.

Remus licked his lips and ducked his head, swallowing Severus' cock with a moan. Remus curled his own fingers around his cock and squeezed, whimpering around Severus' prick. He couldn't help it. He wanted to taste, and he drew his tongue over the head of Severus' cock, sucking lightly at it before pulling away with the taste of Severus' precome coating his tongue.

He pushed to his feet and kissed Severus, then tugged them both to the bed, crawling onto it once he reached it. Severus looked a little flushed from arousal, and his eyes traveled Remus hungrily before he crawled on top of Remus, pressing their bodies together. He kissed Remus and thrust against him, and Remus arched back against the bed and curled his fingers into Severus' back. "You're leaving the toy in," Remus said, and it was more of an order than it sounded, though Severus hadn't made any more to take the toy out at all. "Fuck me," Remus said, and this time the tone was clear.

Severus shifted and did a lubrication spell, then pushed into Remus hard enough for Remus to cry out, but still he demanded, "Harder!"

Severus' hips began to move then, their rhythm demanding, and Severus pushed back, changing his angle a little until his thrusts were brushing over Remus' prostate. Remus gasped, excitement racing through him again, and when he opened his eyes, Severus was watching him, just like he always had when they were younger. Remus hummed with pleasure, pivotting his hips against Severus' as Severus moved until his body was thrumming with need.

Severus curled his fingers around Remus' cock, stroking in time with his thrusts, and leaned down, kissing Remus' lips and jaw and neck, laving his tongue over Remus' skin until Remus was writhing with need under him.

Remus slid his fingers down Severus' back again and pushed at the toy, which caused Severus to moan against Remus' skin. That was all it took to send Remus over the edge, and he came over Severus' hand, panting as Severus' thrusts grew harder. Severus lost his rhythm and groaned as he came, and Remus' fingers felt the toy move as Severus clenched around it. Then Severus slumped on top of him, breathing heavily against Remus' neck.

For a while they just lay there, their bodies rising and falling against each other as they caught their breath. This on its own was far different from the way it had been when they were younger. Remus couldn't swallow the fear that Severus would eventually move off of him and send Remus away, but he didn't. Remus couldn't help but let his mind wander to the way Severus had looked at him, the way not a single insult had passed his lips.

After a moment, Severus pulled out and rolled onto his back next to Remus, lacing his hands behind his head and lying there with his eyes closed. Remus glanced over at him, studying the soft, relaxed lines of Severus' face. "How many lovers did you have after me?" Remus whispered.

Severus didn't answer for a moment. He drew a deep breath, and shifted a little bit on the mattress, then said, "One."

"One?" Remus asked, drawing his hand down Severus' side experimentally. Severus didn't pull away, and he didn't answer either. Remus wondered if "one" was truly just one, considering Remus, if he was so inclined, could choose to only count Peter and Frank as true lovers. 

When the silence stretched for a while, Remus yawned and rolled to his side, wondering how Severus would react if he draped his arm over Severus' chest.

"What happened?"

"He died in 1979," Severus said quickly, his tone a bit more curt this time.

"You haven't had a single lover since--"

Severus opened his eyes and cut Remus off with a sharp gaze. Remus' lips thinned, and he frowned, but rolled back onto his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "I suppose I should head off," he murmured.

He could see Severus looking at him still out of the corner of his eyes. Severus drew another deep breath and closed his eyes again. "I'd rather you not."


	28. Part Twenty-eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prisoner of Azkaban era.

Remus remembered falling asleep on his back, on his own side of Severus' bed. When he woke, he was in a tangle of limbs, black, oily hair strewn across his chin, and Severus' heavy breathing against his neck. He instantly felt both ridiculously happy and guilty at the same time. Which was stupid, he knew. Peter was twelve years dead, and Severus was a different man now. Still, Remus awakened with both an awesome feeling of contentment and the instant realisation that there might have been something even deeper that had allowed him to hold Severus at such distance and treat him as Severus had once treated him.

Severus behaved as though it were perfectly normal to wake the way they did. He made no mention of how they'd been wrapped in the other one's arms. Severus Floo-called breakfast to his chambers, and they ate in peaceful silence until Severus had to go teach.

Remus didn't have classes until after noon, so he walked right off the school grounds and Apparated to Loch Ness. He had been meaning to go on Halloween, anyway, which was drawing near enough now.

He sat on a large stone near the water and stared at the lake. "I know you don't like him. If it makes you feel any better, he still seems to dislike you." Remus breathed a laugh and tucked his knees up against his chest for warmth. "Look, do you remember when I said he was more talk than anything else?" he asked the lake. "Well, it was the truth. And he's changed now, Pete." He automatically held up his hands, as if he expected the lake to protest, and said quickly, "I know. You were right about him being a Death Eater. You were right, okay? But he's on the right side now. He made the right choice in the end, and that's the most important part, isn't it? And anyway, I'm not going to let him hurt me again. That should be what matters most to you, right? I have to move on, and you should be happy as long as I am."

Remus paused and stared at the lake for a long moment, then whispered, "I want to be happy. I haven't really had that since you died, Pete. I need..." Remus trailed off, closing his eyes as tears rolled slowly down his cheeks. He went silent for a bit, just feeling the wind brush through his hair and listening to the dead leaves blow across the ground. 

"Just give me some sort of sign," he asked, opening his eyes again and staring at the lake. It didn't answer. Remus watched the water's surface ripple in the breeze for a long moment, then sighed and shook his head. "It's been twelve years. You're probably not even listening to me anymore," he muttered, pushing off the stone to walk to the edge of the water. He dropped a few wildflowers he'd picked at the school onto its glassy surface. 

"Sirius is back. I didn't know if you knew," he whispered. "I'm safe in the castle. So is Harry." A wistful smile curved Remus' lips then. "He was so little when you knew him. You wouldn't believe it if you saw him now. He's so much like James that I sometimes forget that I'm not a teenager anymore." Of course, Harry's similarity to James drove Severus mad, but Remus swallowed that. "I've got to go back," he said finally, swallowing that he loved Peter because Peter knew that by now.

 

 

It was funny that Remus still didn't know quite where he and Severus stood. Well, actually, he thought he did. After waking up together how they had, Remus supposed it was silly to feel awkward about being with Severus. Still, it felt so new that Remus didn't know what to do with it. He'd gained so much confidence with other men over the years, had even displayed it with Severus upon first returning to school, but this was different. It was somehow more fragile.

Remus and Severus went back to their daily routines, neither one of them really acknowledging that anything had changed, even though it had. Remus allowed this to go on for exactly four days before he made his way to the dungeons at tea time. Severus had his nose buried in a book, and he was slumped behind a small work table that had been cleared to make room for tea and scones with jam and clotted cream. Remus noticed there were two teacups, but one was empty and flipped right side down.

"Hello," he said, "D'you mind if I join you?"

Severus peered over his book. With a tiny flick of his wrist, the teacup nearest Remus righted itself, and the teapot floated over to fill it.

Remus drew a chair up to the opposite side of the work table Severus was sitting at, and started adding sugar to his tea. "Why don't you ever take tea with the other professors?" he asked conversationally.

"Have you heard some of the drivel they consider intelligent conversation, Lupin?" Severus asked, arching a brow.

"I had a rather interesting discussion just this morning with Charity. Did you know Vincent Price just passed away?" Remus said, picking up a scone and taking a bite.

Severus gave him a look, his brows creasing. The look implied that was exactly the sort of conversation Severus found taxing. After a moment, he just shook his head. "For every semi-interesting conversation they can mustre, you will be subjected tenfold to Sybill telling you you're going to be killed by a hairpin, or the oaf cornering you in a discussion of the latest deadly beast the headmaster has allowed onto the school grounds."

Remus frowned, partly because that sounded a little too much like a direct insult for comfort, but also because Severus had referred to Hagrid as "the oaf." "Hagrid's been here for some time."

"Yes, but now that he's teaching, he actually thinks he's important."

Remus' frown deepened. "What did you mean by the latest deadly beast the Headmaster has allowed?" Remus asked sulkily, taking another bite of his scone. When he looked back up, Severus was was giving him a reproachful look. "Sorry," Remus muttered.

"I won't deny that if there was no Wolfsbane, I would be steadfastly against your appointment here," Severus said bluntly. "As it is, however, it is a non-issue."

Remus pursed his lips, not really sure how to respond. It wasn't as though he could try to argue he wasn't dangerous, even now. He went quiet and chewed his scone thoughtfully, not unaware of the way Severus was still watching him from over his teacup. He wondered if these awkward silences were always going to be awkward, or it just happened that lately they had been. Severus really didn't say a whole lot most of the time, so it would stand to reason that the silences that were not preceded by awkward conversation would grow comfortable. It occurred to Remus that he'd never even had the opportunity to share silences with Severus when they were younger.

Remus was lost in thought when Severus reached across the table and curled his fingers around Remus' wrist. Remus glanced up, surprised, as Severus pulled Remus' hand across the table and sucked a bit of jam off the tip of his finger. Remus swallowed hard at the feel of Severus' tongue curving around the pad of his finger, but even after the jam was cleaned off, Severus didn't let go of his hand.

"Severus," Remus breathed, but Severus just held his gaze and took Remus' finger into his mouth fully. Remus let out a shuddery breath, and glanced back to make sure he'd shut the door as his cock pulsed and began to take notice of what Severus was doing. "Oh, God," Remus whispered. Severus drew his lips back and licked the tip of Remus' finger, and Remus let his eyes flutter shut. This shouldn't feel as good as it did, but Remus squirmed in his seat, his prick straining against the fabric of his pants.

It was more than just imagining that Severus was doing the same thing lower, though that was certainly part of it. It was a turn-on to know that Severus seemed to be getting pleasure from doing something so comparatively innocent. Remus sucked in a sharp breath when Severus scraped his teeth lightly from Remus' knuckle to his fingertip, and a jolt of lust ran through him that went straight to his prick.

Remus reached down and pressed his hand to his groin, giving his cock some of the friction it needed as Severus sucked hard. His tongue was massaging Remus' finger and Remus moaned, his hips jerking. "You're wicked," he panted, pressing down with his hand and thrusting as Severus made an amused noise in the back of his throat. Remus felt the vibration against the tip of his finger, which didn't do nearly as much as it would have around his cock, but the knowledge of what that noise would have done to him wrenched another moan from Remus. He jerked his hips against his hand again and came with a little cry as Severus' teeth scraped his skin once more.

Severus gently let go of Remus' hand, but didn't say anything, and Remus was too relaxed to open his eyes at first. Once he finally recovered, he glanced over at Severus, who had abandoned his tea in favour of his book again. He didn't seem to be paying any notice to Remus, though Remus recognised the smug curve to Severus' lips.

"Good book?" Remus asked dryly, attempting to straighten in his chair, even though he knew he was flushed.

"Very," Severus replied, his voice laced with amusement.

"Enjoy that?"

"Not as much as you did, apparently."

Remus tried to pull on a frown, but all he could manage was a grin, badly hidden behind his teacup.


	29. Part Twenty-nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prisoner of Azkaban era.

For a while, the castle almost seemed peaceful. Sure, the Dementors were circling outside, but it was easy to forget them when you were cozily inside. It was especially easy for Remus to forget when most nights were spent either grading or letting Severus remind him just how fantastic a lover he was. 

It was easy to forget, that was, until the person they were guarding the castle against somehow managed to get inside. It was almost awe-inspiring, really. In the worst possible way. How could Sirius have not only escaped from Azkaban, but then manage to break into _Hogwarts_ while the Dementors stood guard? It seemed so unlikely that Remus almost couldn't believe it was real. He stared, jaw clenched, at the portrait of the Fat Lady, anger bubbling inside of him, for what felt like ages before setting off to search the castle with the rest of the professors.

He his ex-friend's audacity didn't surprise him. Or at least it shouldn't have surprised him after Sirius had tried to murder Snape in their sixth year. It was sometimes hard for Remus to believe he'd somehow forgiven Sirius for that. It had taken some time, but he had, and they'd all paid the price. He wondered sometimes what might have happened if he'd walked away from Sirius then. Would Peter have walked away too? Probably not. Not then, anyway, before Remus and Peter had been together.

It was nearing two in the morning as Remus wandered the empty corridors of the castle. The students had all been accounted for, and many of the professors had already gone off to sleep. Remus couldn't sleep, and he knew Severus wouldn't be in his chambers either. It was sometimes amazing how much Albus seemed to rely on Severus now.

Remus rounded a corner on the second floor, his wand clutched in his hand. His office wasn't very far down the hall, and he thought he might just make a cup of tea and try to relax for bed, but then he heard something, a tiny little noise echoing off the walls, as if something were scuttling across the floor. Remus raised his wand, peering down the corridor for a sign of anything, his eyes darting across the stone. It didn't sound human or heavy enough to have been Padfoot. It was probably Peeves.

"Show yourself," he said softly, though his voice still bounced off the stone. There was silence for a bit, and then the scuttling and scraping resumed. It was moving away from him, toward his office. Remus hesitated only a moment before he darted off after it, listening hard for the small noise against the sound of his own feet hitting the floor. The sound got a bit louder for a moment, then Remus passed his office door and it was behind him. Whipping around, Remus stared at the empty hallway, and then at his office door.

Nothing. There wasn't a thing to see, and now he couldn't hear the noise any longer either. The door hadn't opened or closed. Remus shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, slumping against the wall across from the door. It was too late. He needed sleep. He was starting to bloody hear things!

Sighing, he pushed away from the stone and went to make himself tea.

 

 

Gentle fingers brushed through Remus' fringe the following morning. He had fallen asleep at his desk and he sucked in a deep breath as wakefulness hit him. He reached to close his hand on Severus' wrist, but it moved, so he stretched and opened his eyes, smiling at... He blinked. The room was empty.

He rubbed his palm against his forehead, as if to erase the memory of the soft caress that hadn't actually occurred, then blinked hard, trying to wake fully. He hadn't had enough sleep, but he swallowed a yawn and pushed himself out of his chair to get ready for his classes anyway.

It was strangely difficult to brush away the feeling that he was being watched. It was ridiculous, of course, the noise last night, the imagined touch. If it was Sirius, Remus would have known. Sirius couldn't hide so easily. Remus put it off on an overactive imagination coupled with both a need for more than a few hours sleep and his past relationship with Sirius. His mind was playing tricks on him. He headed off to class.

The tension was high today, so high Remus didn't really feel like he got much accomplished in class. When classes ended, Remus dragged himself to Severus' chambers and slumped into Severus' bed. Severus just watched him calmly. He didn't say a word as Remus walked past him. In fact, Remus was starting to wonder if Severus was planning to just let Remus sleep by the time Severus appeared in the doorway of his room.

"Don't say anything," Remus mumbled. He didn't need to hear anything about Sirius. He especially didn't need to hear anything about Sirius from _Severus_. Not now.

Severus shut the door and started stripping off his clothes, dropping them in a trail as he walked towards the bed. Remus had been lying face down, but turned his head to watch Severus walk toward him. When he sat down at the edge of the bed, he rolled Remus over and started to pull open Remus' shirt, splaying his fingers over Remus' scarred chest. "About what?" Severus asked, and Remus closed his eyes, grateful.

He wasn't really sure he was in the mood for sex, but he supposed it would help him forget what was happening just as easily as sleep would. It would probably help him get to sleep in the first place, actually. He'd just been lying there with his eyes closed and his mind racing prior to Severus walking in. Remus arched up against Severus' fingertips, closing his eyes as Severus' hands soothed over his chest. He licked his lips and shifted when Severus brushed his shirt off his shoulders, squirming out of it as Severus' fingers worked on his trousers. After a moment, Severus had Remus fully stripped, and Merlin help him, already hard.

Remus nearly thanked Severus for the way he was obviously avoiding a subject he didn't think either of them would agree on, but Severus ducked his head and took Remus' nipple in his mouth, pinching it between his teeth and giving it a tug. Remus gasped and closed his fingers in Severus' hair as Severus fingers moved down and curled around Remus' cock. "Severus," Remus breathed, sliding his own hand over to touch Severus, stroking down his chest and stomach to his cock.

Severus' teeth scraped over Remus' sensitive skin, and Remus' hand tightened on Severus, squeezing and pulling until Severus moaned against Remus' chest. It was strange how subdued this felt, and Remus wondered if Severus meant for this to be calming for Remus, rather than just means of release. Whether he meant it or not, it was working that way, and Remus squirmed a little against the sheets, feeling the way Severus' teeth tugged the sensitive nub as he moved and letting his body calm his mind.

Severus licked across Remus' chest, laving his tongue gently over Remus' other nipple, then sucking lightly. It was an entirely different treatment this time, and one that made Remus moan Severus' name and thrust against Severus' hand for more friction. Severus shifted up onto the bed and out of Remus' reach, and spread Remus' knees wide, drawing his knuckles between Remus' legs. He was still leaning over Remus' body, biting Remus' nipple lightly when Remus felt Severus do a lubrication charm and slide a finger inside him. Remus squirmed, adjusting easily to the slender finger as Severus worked it inside him. Then Severus slid a second finger inside and crooked his fingers until he found Remus' prostate.

"Oh, fuck!" Remus said, his breath going ragged. He wished Severus would move his mouth lower, the tease of his tongue flicking over Remus' nipples driving his hunger for Severus even further. A third finger slid inside him, and Remus gave Severus' hair a sharp tug. "Fuck me!" he panted, but Severus didn't move. His fingers slid in and out, so slowly it was nearly enough to drive Remus mad with need. "Severus," Remus whimpered, and then gasped as a fourth finger slid inside him. "Oh God," he panted.

It wasn't until Severus cast another lubrication charm that Remus really understood what Severus was planning. Severus tucked his thumb against his palm and slid his fingers in to his knuckles, letting his hand sort of hover there, moving in and out slowly without actually passing the widest part of Severus' hand beyond Remus' entrance. Remus couldn't breath. It had been ages since anyone had done this to him, and it was both exciting and overwhelming at once.

Severus had lifted his head to watch Remus, and after a moment of gasping for breath, Remus opened his eyes and met Severus' gaze, which was apparently all the permission Severus needed to proceed. Severus' hand sank inside of Remus, pulled in once the widest part of Severus' knuckles passed Remus' entrance. Remus cried out, trying not to squirm, but then he felt Severus' hand ball into a fist inside him and start to move.

Remus was so incredibly full, and he closed his eyes again, little explosions going off behind his eyelids as Severus' fist moved, brushing Remus' prostate with every tiny movement. Remus knew he was babbling words of pleasure and need, but he wasn't really even fully aware of what he was saying. Then Severus ducked down, taking Remus' cock into his mouth. Remus moved to thrust, moaning at the way it caused Severus' hand to shift inside him, and then came with a strangled noise.

He collapsed, breathing hard, and whimpered in both pleasure and over-stimulation as Severus moved his hand, slipping it out slowly and carefully, and then Severus' prick was inside him a moment later. Remus lazily wrapped a leg around Severus' hip, squirming at the quick hard thrusts that were so different from the deep, slow movements of Severus' hand. Severus kissed Remus, his tongue drawing along Remus' lower lip before dipping into Remus' mouth, and then Severus was coming too, groaning as he stilled against Remus.

They stayed that way for a while, panting hard against each others skin, and when Severus pulled out and collapsed at Remus' side, Remus didn't hesitate to roll over and wrap his arms around Severus, pressing his face to Severus' neck and feeling relaxed for the time since Sirius' break in.


End file.
